I’ve been having a hard time posting the last couple days. Well…plurking isn’t helping matters. Neither does laundry and gross toilets. I mean…someone’s gotta take care of these things…and I fired the cleaning lady. Like…two years ago. Note to self…find a cleaning lady…PRONTO!
I wanted to do a lighter post. The last one…before the bug one…wasn’t light. It wasn’t super burdening but…it wasn’t my typical post either. But…I have been thinking about something that happened when my oldest was 3. Actually, it’s been haunting me.
You see…
His father, my ex-husband and I were fighting…like a typical day in our marriage. And unfortunately, we fought in front of the kids. I did the yelling. He did the stuff like responding with an “ishkabibel” or…and this is my favorite…”You just need to be licked up.” Yeah, he really said that. All the time. Is it a wonder that the marriage collapsed…but anyway…
We were doing our usual… me yelling, him saying stupid things…in front of the kids. Well…in this instance, in front of my son…
I don’t remember what the fight was about. Probably something stupid.
I don’t remember what was said. Probably absolutely nothing with a point.
All I remember…
was my then 3 year old son…who I hadn’t even been paying much attention to at that moment…
listening to his mommy and daddy fight…again…
and him looking at us with fear and hurt in his eyes…and saying…
“You know what guys? It’s MY fault.”
And I remember us stopping our stupid fighting. And rushing over to him to try to explain to him that just because his mommy and daddy fight…it has nothing to do with him. That, we ALWAYS love him…NO MATTER WHAT…
But it was at that moment…
I realized this marriage was truly over.
Because it was really ruining my son. Destroying him. Because he was internalizing our fighting and blaming it on himself. And I was going to be damned if that was going to keep going on like that.
I took my kids and left, very shortly after this…
But the damage had already been done.
Probably way before that particular fight…
because I think…I feel…
that he still carries a burden. A guilt.
I honestly think that he feels somewhat responsible for his parents failure to get along. And also, for the fact that his mommy and daddy didn’t stay married.
And no matter what I say. And no matter what the psychologist said in the past to him…
he still carries with him this sense of responsibility.
And it’s killing me.
But…what scares me the most is…
I REALLY hope that it’s NOT killing him…
the way that I think it is.
His depression…such deep sadness…
is the biggest heartbreak in my life.
And I feel so completely, overwhelmingly
HELPLESS.
He refuses to talk to the psychologist anymore.
He refuses to talk to me.
He refuses to talk to anyone who he could reach out to.
And I wonder what it is that I can do…
If he won’t accept any help.
Except just to be here…in case he might decide, one day…to open up and let us help him.
Hopefully.
I wish I had words to help, but I don’t. I think just by your son knowing that you are there for him for anything helps a lot. Some kids don’t even have that.
oh sweetie. i have felt this pain myself… as i see the aftermath of the error of my ways played out in the lives of my kids.
but here is what i tell them: at some point you have to stop dwelling on the past and blaming and hurting and wallowing there. when you do, you must play the hand you are dealt. you can’t go back and change the past; you can only look at the cards in your hand and work with them the best way possible.
hugs.
What Janet said. Times two.
Oh, hon, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. “Its MY fault.” Poor boy. Kudos to you, though, for putting an end to it! ((hugs))
I am so very sorry. I wish I was there to hug you.
I think all kids think they’re to blame when their parents fight or get divorced. Remind me again how old he is? Because if he’s in his teens, depression is pretty normal. I was clinically depressed from about age 12 to 25 or so. And I still fight it sometimes. Changing hormones make everything seem worse. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, write him a letter saying most of what you said to us. I NEVER talked to my mother about any of my worries, but I knew that she would listen if I ever wanted to. And he probably knows that too. I also kept journals. You might encourage him to do that. Get him a lock box if he’s afraid someone will read them.
I am so sorry that you are now carrying around the burden of thinking his depression is your fault. Didn’t you say his dad is a little um, off his rocker? It is hereditary. Maybe he was predisposed to it anyway. Kids are resiliant and you got out early. The fact he didn’t bounce right back shows he was probably predisposed to it anyway.
That being said, you are doing the right thing by being there now in case he decides to open up and letting him know you are there, but not forcing it. Hugs to you. E-mail me if you want.
Good luck on plurk. Still can’t figure the f-er out!
Oy. I’m so sorry sweetheart. *Hugs* I wish I had some inspirational and helpful words or ideas…I love ya!
That made me cry. It’s a sad post and sad situation and I hope your son comes out of his funk soon.
And I hope I (we) don’t end up like that…….
So sorry Melissa! My second has some doubts of her own seeing how her dad and I split up while I was pregnant with her. All you can do is reassure them. And LOVE them!
Oh my gosh M. I’m so very sorry. I don’t know what to say besides that.
Hang in there, honey. Let him know that you’ll be there no matter what… And when he’s ready to talk to you or lay blame at your feet or WHATEVER it is that’s got him in the funk, you’ll be ready to listen.
I dont have the right words for you here. My best advice is to just stay strong and be there for him. When he is ready, he will open up to you. *hugs*
Wow honey, that big and a lot to worry about. I hope for his sake that one day he will share his burden with you.
*hug*
Oh, honey. I hope he finally is willing to talk it out with you. Do not ever give up trying. Just keep the faith that it will happen. Big hugs to you.
I am so sorry Melissa…watching your children hurting is the most painful thing for a parent…my thoughts are going out to you right now…hopefully he will open up soon. Maybe you could suggest he write or keep a journal.
Oh, wow. That is so sad. I totally identify with fighting in front of the kids. My ex and I did it right up until we divorced, and he still tries it occasionally. I clearly remember one time when my oldest was a baby, the ex screaming at me and T-bone jumping and starting to cry. It was so painful for me.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that right now.
You are his mom. The most significant person in his life. He’ll reach an age where he’ll see you not just as his parents but a human beings with flaws and imperfections, and he’ll understand your separation had nothing to do with him. I hate that your heartaches, and I’m sure your son hates it even more. You are his mom. Big hug.
Oh, I’m so sorry. Watching someone you love struggle is so hard. I’m sorry! (you know my #1 struggles with depression)