It’s late, I note the time is 1:12am.
My window shade is up, letting the darkness settle into my room. The only source of light coming from the garage of the neighbors directly across from me.
I stare out into the quiet, shadowy street of my subdivision. It’s an even sleepier neighborhood when it’s the middle of the night.
Wish I could sleep.
I yawn.
I blow my nose.
I look at the clock again, like I do constantly when I can’t fall asleep. Only a minute had passed. Time sure goes by slow when no one is awake but you.
I summon mental pictures of my children.
My oldest, when he took his first steps on our front lawn with his parents jumping and cheering him on.
My daughter, a living Madame Alexander doll, running up my parents backyard hill and getting frustrated because she kept falling backwards.
My little one, I think about his birth.
Random. Fragments.
Scattered.
Grateful for these, I keep pulling them out of forgotten memory albums.
How I wish…
How I miss…
But time, it never stops.
It takes a moment and whisks it quickly away, filing it as a memory where it waits to be recalled.
If it can be recalled.
I sigh loudly, hoping my husband is awake and wants to talk.
No such luck.
I look at the clock again.
It sure can stand still when it wants too.
I go back. Further. Further.
I’m in 4th grade. I’m visiting my grandparents in Florida.
I choke, I miss my grandfather. Has it really been almost 20 years since he died?
And Kyoto? Oh, Kyoto. My Siamese cat from childhood, gone for even longer.
I was just a kid myself.
I swear to G-D it was yesterday. I was them. They were me.
Now, I’m them, my parents.
I want to scream out the window and curse that invisible entity…TIME.
I want to beg for it to slow down.
It’s always moved to0 fast.
Just when I get caught up, it moves forward again.
Except when it’s the middle of the night.
Where the only memory being stored for recollection is the fact that time doesn’t move when there is nothing worth remembering.
That’s beautiful.
Triplezmom´s last blog post ..Felony or Misdemeanor
I know that feeling well. Beautifully expressed.
Gigi´s last blog post ..If you think this title is boring just wait until you see the post
Damn. I feel you, woman. I do.
So true and beautiful. That was me last night thinking of my grandmother on the anniversary of her passing…26 years ago…unreal!
NYCPatty´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday- Sun and Sand
I love your writing!
I couldn’t sleep last night, either. Only for me I had that creative flow that just wouldn’t leave me alone.
Cheers to a better night sleep tonight for both of us!
Angela DiGiovanni | Living Out Loud´s last blog post ..Sleep Versus the Creative Flow
I WAS going to make a crack about “you were just horny” – but there’s a tone to your post that says, “Don’t mess with this.” At least, to me.
I have been there too many times – you’ll find as you get older, and the memories pile up – it happens more often. Strangely, you’ll look forward to it. Sleepless nights – a trip down memory lane, to times and places otherwise forgotten in the bustle of ‘day to day’.
lceel´s last blog post ..Haiku Friday –
Oh, honey, you still cannot appreciate how fast time flies.
I remember giving you a bath, taking you grocery shopping, taking you for walks and staring at flowers as if I was seeing them for the first time.
I was in law school; I worked at night and I went to school during the day, and I baby sat on the weekends.
You were my first child; you were my perfect child. I adored you (and I still do) but you grew up. You became the most aggravating and frustrating female in my life (your mom doesn’t count)and then suddenly, you became a mother yourself.
I blinked and you grew up. 30+ years in 20+ minutes.