The spring morning is crisp with blue skies and cotton-candy fall-like clouds. The early day sun, almost a tad too bright for my cheap sunglasses and hyper-thyroid sensitive eyes causing me to squint, thus putting me at risk for crows feet.
We are driving, my youngest son and I, towards his school. Our Silky Terrier, Oscar, panting and slobbering on my sons lap in the back of the SUV. I’m switching the radio stations in search of something other than Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga and trying to remember whether or not I took the dog out to pee before we left.
“Mommy! Mommy!” I’m brought back to reality with the comforting knowledge that there is less likely to be a puppy accident in my car because I remembered that I DID take him out. But then wondering if I turned off the lights and locked the door.
“Mommy. I see G-d!” I look in my rearview mirror at him. (Because it really wouldn’t be very safe if I turned my whole body around, now would it?) He is pointing at the window, out his window.
“Where do you see G-d?” I ask him. Wondering what sort of story my very imaginative kid was going to come up with to amuse me for the last few minutes of our car ride.
“He’s up there, dancing in the clouds!” And he stares out the window, quietly watching his G-D doing a cloud dance. “Don’t you see him Mommy?”
“I see big, beautiful clouds in the big, beautiful sky. And G-D made the sky and the clouds, right? So I guess yes, then I must see G-D.” Hopefully he can’t hear the lack of conviction in my voice. He isn’t aware of the fact, at this point, of my struggles with believing. I don’t want to influence him they way I’ve seemed to unintentionally instilled my lack of beliefs onto my oldest son.
He nods and stares out the window once again. I’m prepping myself for a age appropriate conversation on G-D…again, thinking of ways, in the more than likely temporary silence, to explain things without pushing my true thoughts onto him. It’s not easy for me to explain things to kids in a way for them to understand.
He breaks my scattered thoughts…
“Mommy, can G-D kill Zombies? Would they be dancing in the clouds with G-D right now? Because I really think I see a Zombie too. And if G-D killed Zombies, how would he do it? The same way peoples do?”
Thankfully we finally arrive at school as I’m finishing up my reassuring talk on the fact that there is no such thing as Zombies and if there were, we would just drive over them and Daddy would cut their heads off. And also thankfully, there wasn’t time for him to ask me if G-D really exists because instead, he had a tantrum due to the fact that we weren’t able to bring the dog into his class for a visit and so he had to be left panting in the car.
The problem is, I have to pick him up from school now. And he never, ever forgets a conversation. Which I know is going to be the continuation about G-D. And if Zombies don’t exist, does G-D? Whether it be right when he gets into the car from Kindergarten pick up or at a random time like when I am carefully rinsing shampoo out of his hair.
I will tell him that if he believes there is a G-D then yes, he does exist. All around us. In clouds, in trees, in dragonflies. And G-d will know if a Zombie or a bad guy is going to bother you and he will protect him and keep him safe from getting his brain sucked out or his action figures stolen. And I know that, while I am telling him this, I will also be trying to convince myself of that.
And then, I will stare up into the clouds and wish that I could see G-D happily cloud dancing so that I could tell us both, without any doubt, that while Zombies do NOT exist that yes indeed, G-D truly does. And I could really mean it when I tell him because I saw him with my very own eyes, dancing on a cloud the shape of a heart.