I should know by now, especially with my horrific memory AND even more horrific writers block, that when I get an idea for a post, I should IMMEDIATELY write it down. Because inevitably, poof, it’s lost. Probably forever.

I’m pretty darn sure that I had two things to write about. This was going to be one of my ridiculously random posts. But since I can only recall act one, well then…I guess you lucked out. But maybe, as I type the part I remember, I’ll have a mini aha moment. What? It could happen.

So, let’s talk about my almost 14 year old son for a moment, shall we? Yes, we shall. God, I love this kid. I really do. Sometimes, if I think about it, I could cry because a tsunami of emotion comes over me. Good thing that only happens once a month and I’m pretty good about controlling it.

He was just tested in the school. I insisted on it. Because I needed to know if there was something we were missing and maybe perhaps he has a learning disability or an emotional impairment that was holding him back from being all that he could be. I’m thinking that straight F’s, well, that’s just not reasonable for a kid that seems pretty intelligent. Oh and, by the way, I don’t know how it is in your school districts but if you make a request for your child to be tested by the school system, they have 30 days to comply. I’m so glad I found this out!!

The school did a battery of tests. Emotional by the school psychologist and another bunch by the social worker, and a couple of different academic testings. Turns out, he is completely where he should be and in some instances, way higher.

He isn’t eligible for their IEP services.

I’m glad. I guess.

The psych tests didn’t reveal anything either, except perhaps he has a bit of attention problems. Which, seriously, he comes by quite honestly. I do. His dad does. And it has a strong genetic component, that A.D.D stuff.

The things that were most interesting were what he told the social worker. His reasons for his progressive and spiral school downfall.

He is rebelling against my husband, as well as his bio dad. He isn’t going to let them control him and the only way he can counteract their schtick is to flunk out of school. Because he is the only one who can control that. He mentioned that he isn’t going to let them be puppeteers because he has disabled the strings.

He wishes we would punish him and then stand by our punishments. People, I’m here to tell you…we don’t follow through. We threaten and promise to take things away forever. We take the electronic, hide it and then…give it back within 24 hours. We suck. Although, my darling husband likes to blame it on me. *whispers* his bark is worse than his actual bite. It’s him too, if not worse. Just sayin’.

My son is terrified that he is going to turn out like his bio dad…potentially paranoid schizophrenic (potentially because no diagnosis has been made by a professional because he refuses to go but he exhibits MASSIVE signs of this horrible mental illness). That makes me so sad for my kids. By choosing this man and having two children with him, I gave them this legacy of potential insanity. The guilt I have is overwhelming. Not to mention the fact that their bio dad is SO inactive in their lives, to the point where he knows not a thing that goes on. I can’t imagine that…not knowing or caring…about 2 children that I helped to create. I can’t imagine the hurt that my children must feel because their father has rejected them time and time again. God, I hate him.

On a lighter note though, the staff who evaluated my son feels that he may have had some sort of epiphany in regards to who he is really hurting from this rebelling. And it looks like he is starting to pull his grades up a bit. While two F’s and two D’s sound like what a failure would pull, I’m going by the fact that he is working at school now. And, he seems happier and a bit more adjusted around the house.

I’m hopeful that he will stay like this. Next year is high school. The really real deal. You flunk a class, you flunk and have to take it over again. And that…is embarrassing. He doesn’t like to be embarrassed.

I’m praying that, although the testing proved to be futile, maybe it shook him up enough to realize that rebelling usually only hurts the person who is doing the action, not the one/ones unknowingly causing.

So, I keep my fingers crossed and thoughts positive.

And punishments ready to be enforced. Just in case.

OK, I don’t remember the 2nd thing. But it’s probably just as well because this is a long ass post.

Yes, I have no children and am a stepmom.

First, let me start by saying that I’m honored to be asked to guest blog. I’ve enjoyed Melissa’s posts from a somewhat different perspective for awhile now. I am a 40yo who made the decision to not have children about 10 years ago and have been at peace with that.

But I fell in love with a man with 3 children.

Someone should have sat me down, looked me in the eye and told me to think very, very carefully about getting involved with someone with children. Because it’s hard. Damn hard.

It’s hard going from literally only ever taking care of yourself to 3 children who all have their own wants and needs.

It’s hard financially when you pay for the majority of the groceries, presents, activities because your partner is barely squeaking by after child support. You remember the extra cash- the facials, shoes, fancy dinners, Starbucks runs. I never used to shop at Walmart. In fact, if there was a Target 10mi further away, that’s where I’d go. But Walmart is cheaper and money doesn’t go as far as it used to.

And when did kids eat so much? And all the time? There have been many times where if I hear “I’m hungry” one more time; I’m going to run screaming from the house.

It’s hard not to voice an opinion about a behavior, attitude or decision that’s being made by the actual parents. I always remind myself that I have no say. That’s hard when you truly care about the welfare of said child.

It’s also hard to deal with how mommy is smarter, runs faster, is just BETTER than you. A lot. But I get that. And I never have, nor never will utter anything to the contrary. Because it is common decency.

But something happened during year 2. I started getting into the swing of things. The baseball games, soccer games, football- having 3 kids participating in every sport known to man. I could keep a schedule like Dad never could- or will.

Something I never knew I had – maternal instinct- surprised me in new and various ways. I could look at a kid and know whether he was sick. I knew that 8yo children should NOT have a Facebook page. I also knew that Skittles isn’t, nor ever will be, an appropriate snack.

And I bonded with them. Yes, I’ll be honest it took some time. A whole lot of time. But sometimes when I think about leaving, I think what it would be like to not see them again. I couldn’t stand not knowing.

But no, I still don’t want children. I like the ones I have. All potty-trained, know how to dress themselves, go to school, pretty functional. Someday, I hope to hear the words “I love you”. That I still strive for. Maybe someday.

Oh, and moms? We don’t want to take your place. Really.

I am a mommy.

I am a step-mommy.

For both those positions, I am employed full time with major overtime. Overworked. Underpaid. And going gray.

I take my work VERY seriously.

I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job on both accounts. It’s not so easy though. Either one of those positions I’ve filled.

I try. SO HARD. To remain fair and impartial.

I try. EVEN HARDER. To show as equal amount of heartfelt love and emotion as I am capable of. I think on the most part, particularly with my step daughter, that the love is almost as strong as if she were from my own womb.

“Almost” is the operative and key word.

There are times when my mommy bear instinct to protect my cubs is so strong.

When, it doesn’t matter who started it or whose fault the fist fight is or who started the verbal onslaught. I have to use every ounce of self control to keep it neutral. When every inch of my being is screaming to smack down the kid who isn’t blood related. Because really? I don’t care who started it. I just want to make sure my child isn’t hurt or going to get hurt. I have to scream at myself to keep it fair. Because when Momma bear mode kicks in, fair isn’t part of the instinct.

There are times when my subconscious has to be guided and redirected. When I have to remind myself to serve the first dinner plate to a different kid. Or I have to give the end piece of cake, which I know is my son’s favorite, to one of my step kids. Because they love it too and, quite honestly, deserve it just as much as my kids.

Everyday sibling-step sibling dynamics is a constant test drive in the mommy almostobile.

And don’t EVEN get me started about when my husband tries to discipline MY kids. The hairs on the nape of my neck raise, my fangs bare and I start growling and foaming.

But. Alas. Co-parenting is about letting another bear step in and take over where the Momma bear is not making an impact. I guess.

And when things are being done in, what the Momma bear considers to be, an unfair way towards her cubs…forget about it. Hell hath no fury like a mommy protecting her young. No matter how passive-aggressive that hell hath.

Really though? No matter what. I think it’s absolutely impossible to be 100% fair and impartial to children other than your own. No matter how much you love the children of your spouse. And trust me, I love the children that came along with my spouse.

However…

It’s the nature of the beast called Mommy.

Hear me roar.

P.S. I don’t care what my husband says, he is the same way when it comes to protecting his young from another mother.