There are some days that I beg and plead with the Blog- Post Idea Fairy to lay one smack dab on me. I summon the Funny Kid Stunt Fairy to make my kids do something, well, funny. I beckon the Life Events Fairy to make any of the daily life events…eventful.

When that doesn’t happen, I get desperate. I view things with a critical eye, focused on what can be made into something engaging to write about. Oftentimes, to no avail.

I suck at writing about how cute, dimply and angelic my kids are. Or how wonderful my marriage to my perfect husband is and how copathetic our zen-like existence is. But, I could totally make shit up. If I *did* write about that, I’d be lying and breaking the sacred commandment of “Blogging With Integrity”. And that…would be no good. The punishment of being negatively blogged and tweeted about would be swift and just. And I’d slink off into anonymous oblivion, only to start up a new twitter account and blog with a different URL under my childhood nickname that I never disclosed on my original blog.

And that would suck.

But then there are days when posts just work themselves out. Ideas flow like my period…er…like the river. Where they translate easily onto the screen and hitting publish doesn’t make you wince in pain.

Yeah. Those are good times.

Then you have days like today.

Nothing monumental happens that is even noteworthy.
You go about your mundane day. Work for a couple hours to make money to reimburse yourself for the crazy expensive Uggs that you just bought your daughter. Go talk to the psychologist who assures you that you aren’t crazy, yet keeps you coming back every other week. It’s ok though, you don’t mind talking about your life to an objective ear. Tweet. Go pick up your son early to visit the gift show at the school, only to be disgusted by the pretentiousness of the skinny parade who are all buying these ridiculously expensive fur boot cuff/legwarmer atrocities and affectedly telling each other how fabulous they look…gag. Eat tons of Cheese-Its. Poop. What, TMI? Find out the kid who left the iPod Nano in his jacket and it went through the wash, rinse and dry cycles, rendering it completely useless and it was originally supposed to be yours in the first place…got it somehow replaced for that child’s careless and irresponsible self. Then, you stomp your feet, cross your arms over your chest, humph and wonder what the point is in trying to teach responsibility in the home. But you aren’t *really* allowed to talk about it because it pisses people off. Which, pisses YOU off even more.

And you want to smash your face through a wall. But that would be completely pointless.

Yeah. Those are the days that there is absolutely NOTHING to blog about.

So then there you are, back to the drawing board. Staring at the blank post screen, cursor blinking and waiting to be told what letters to display, in the administrative area of your blog. And you are hoping and waiting for a fairy to sprinkle magical blog posting dust…oh, wait…

Remember that Princess who lives in the Kingdom? The one who wanted an iPod nano so she got an iPod nano?

She lost it. AGAIN. For like, the 3rd time. And…she lost her digital camera.

But never fear. She hasn’t lost her cellphone. Not yet. But when she gets home tonight, the phone will be placed into my hands.

I don’t care that she got good grades. Wait. Yes, I do care. I think it’s awesome and I’m really proud of how hard she worked. And despite the fact that the deal was all A’s and she got 4 A minuses and 2 B’s, her father, the King, snuck and bought her a cellphone while I was in Chicago for Blogher. THAT is another post entirely.

But I walked into the princesses bedroom yesterday. Because Princess Curly Q Nosybutt had been whining about the mess that was starting to fall out of the closet and pour out from underneath her sisters bed…

THIS...is from underneath her bed. And the closet.

But then I looked at her dresser

more shit

And next to her bed…

What a neat child.

I realized five garbage bags just aren’t going to be enough.

To compare and contrast…which, there is no comparison…here is Princess Curly Q Nosybutts side…

And her nightside table…

And lastly, her dresser…

No real reason to show you the neat side, except now you’ll understand why Curly Q is whiny and bitchy all the time. If you were a neat freak like her and had to live in a pigsty…

Anyway.

Today, when Pigsty Princess gets home. I don’t care if she has a 4.75. I don’t care if she is President of the Student Council. I don’t care if her face turns all red and blotchy from crying and begging to not be forced to clean until tomorrow…or the next day…or the next day.

She will cross my palm with her lovely cellphone. And she will go directly into her room and not come out until it’s clean.

So I’m anticipating on never seeing her again.

The good news is, I found her iPod Nano at the bottom of the trough called a closet.

And I’m keeping it.

Her digital camera, too. THAT was underneath her bed. With some of her “missing” brand new clothes.

Ha.

Yes, good grades should definitely be rewarded. But other good behavior has to go along with it. And being that big of a slob…negates the reward for good grades.

Looks like I have all sorts of new electronics to play with.

The Reigning Queen Supreme gazed at her children with such pride.
She was amazed at how they saved their pennies.
And pleased at how they gathered their unused electronics to take to the local Ye Olde Game Stoppe shoppe, in hopes of trading in…
for the latest.
The greatest.
The newest.
The coolest.
Nintendo DSi.
And the Reigning Queen Supreme gazed at her children with such pride.
Because the only thing they asked for, in order to get the latest, greatest, newest, coolest gizmo…
was a ride to Ye Olde Game Stoppe Shoppe.
This made the Queen feel like she was doing something right.
That her children were actually appreciative of a dollar.
Which made them more appreciative of their Nintendo DSi.
Because they had found the means.
By THEMSELVES.
To come up with a way to buy this toy.
The day it was put on store shelves.
But…
this made the King’s children jealous.
And angry.
They wanted what the Queens children had.
And they wanted it NOW.
But they didn’t think about trading in their old games.
Or trading in their old electronics platforms.
Or saving their birthday money.
No.
They EXPECTED that SOMEONE should buy it for them.
Like…
The One Who Won’t Be Named Ever Again For Fear Of Having To Shut Down The Blog And Start Over Again.
So under the guise of yet ANOTHER birthday present…for a child who hasn’t had a birthday since January…yet somehow keeps getting presents…all year long(because a BRAND NEW Razor Scooter was JUST bought for this EXACT same (un)birthday child by the SAME EXACT people)…
A new Nintendo showed up at the Kingdom.
For only ONE of the temper tantruming children.
And the Queens beautiful children.
And the Kings beautiful daughter.
Were beyond irritated and mortified.
The Queens children…because they were so industrious in order to get theirs gaming system. And no one…guise or otherwise…helped them to get it. Not that they even asked, mind you.
The Kings daughter…was horrified because…she waaaaannnnttttsss one too. To put with all of her lost iPods and unused Gameboys. But also, because she doesn’t get this many presents all year long.
And they, all three, were crying to the Queen about the injustice of this. And they were screaming about the unfairness. And they were slamming doors…because they like the dramatics.
But the mood changed QUICKLY.
When the messenger arrived with a package for the (un)birthday boy, bearing a (un) birthday gift.
And this package, as it was greedily opened by said child…
was a Shiny.
Silver.
Gently used but refurbished…
Nintendo DS…without the i.
And while the (un) birthday boy was just as happy to have this…
a unified sigh of relief swept through the rest of the princes and princesses like a wave…
Because that game system was SO LAST CENTURY.
And the oldest Princess Losealotofstuffbutiscuteandadorable…went back to her Facebook.
And the Prince Savealotofgamesandwantstodate…took his shiny, brand spanking new DSi…out to take some pictures of himself to put on Facebook for the girl he wants to ask out.
And the Princess OMGmysnowglobefinallycamefromdisney…was too busy finding the perfect place in her perfectly kept side of her bedroom, to place her new Tinkerbell snow globe.
And Princeigetwhateveriwant…took his game system and went off to play with it.
And things in the Kingdom went back normal-ish.
And the Queen, once again, gazed upon her children proudly…
while smugly thinking to herself…
Ha! Ha! Ha!
And she wondered…
what is going to happen when her son, who turns 13 on Sunday April 19th…
is presented with a laptop.
Stay tuned for more tales from the Kingdom…

Once upon a time, there was a very pretty, very sweet little princess. But…she was also very, very irresponsible…not to mention exceptionally spoiled.

This pretty, sweet and irresponsible and spoiled princess lived in a relatively small castle…compared to other castles in the neighboring areas. She lived with her Father…the wanna-be King and her Evil Step-Mother…the true ruler. She also had a few prince-type brothers and a major princess sister.

One day, this pretty, sweet and irresponsible and spoiled princess announced that she wanted, needed and HAD TO HAVE…an iPod shuffle. It was of the utmost importance that she fit in with all the other princes and princesses that lived in the surrounding areas, with whom she went to prince and princess academy.

So this princess started begging her DADDY and her Evil Step-Mother. Begging, pleading, crying…for an iPod shuffle…

Her Evil Step-Mother, the reigning Queen Supreme…crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head…there was no way that she was going to spend the precious gold coins on an iPod, which would surely be lost within the week.

The King, who wisely took signs from the Queen…also told his darling yet irresponsible princess…no.

So, the princess got on the royal phone and called a number within the serfdom…to her birth Mothers residence in her birth Grandmothers basement. Where she spoke to her birth Mommy about the injustices that the King and Reigning Queen Supreme have caused upon her. She cried and begged and pleaded her case…that she was in desperate need of an iPod shuffle…and would her darling serf Mommy please get her one…immediately, if not sooner.

And, out of guilt for not keeping her children and giving them away to their father…she did as her pretty, sweet, irresponsible and spoiled daughter demanded…and ran and bought her the iPod shuffle.

The princess was so excited when she came home from a serf-style dinner with her mother…and showed off her iPod shuffle. No one cared.

But, her Evil Step-Mother said, under her breath of course…I give it less than 6 months.

And sure enough…

less than 6 months later…

this pretty, sweet, irresponsible and spoiled princess was seen running around the castle…crying piteously. Asking anyone and everyone if they had seen her iPod shuffle. No one had.

And the Evil Step-Mother smirked to herself.

Two years later…the iPod shuffle is still missing.

And now, the irresponsible, spoiled, pretty and sweet princess has decided that, since her sweet, pretty, RESPONSIBLE, and spoiled little sister received a brand new, bells and whistles iPod Nano…for a LATE birthday present…IN LIEU OF a birthday party…

That she needs and MUST HAVE…

and brand new, with all the bells and whistles…iPod Nano…for no apparent reason except ” I waaaaannnnnt one.”

So…she begged her Wicked, Evil and Horrible Step-Mother if she could have one. And the Evil, Vile and Wicked Horrible Step-Mother crossed her arms over her chest, cackled and told her pretty, sweet,irresponsible and spoiled step-daughter princess…NO.

And then, she begged her Father the wanna-be King…who took queues from his beloved wife…and he said NO.

And then she tried to get hold of her mother, the serf, who was out laying pipe in the field…but she couldn’t get hold of her.

So…

This spoiled, irresponsible, pretty and sweet princess…called the Wicked Witch…her grandmother…

who came over on her black Cadillac Broom…

took her poor, sweet, pretty, neglected granddaughter, the little princess…

to the store. And bought her a BRAND NEW, WITH ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES…iPOD NANO…for no apparent reason except…

her poor, sweet, pretty, neglected granddaughter, the little princess…

WAAAAAAANNNNNNNTED ONE!

And the Wicked Witch Grandmother…loves to piss off the Wicked and Evil Step-Mother.

Moral of the story 1:

The Reigning Queen Supreme…really has NO say in the matter, when it comes to her step prince and princess.

Moral of the story 2: lessons learned…you can get anything you want. you can lose it. and someone will ALWAYS replace it for you!

Life is wonderful in the Kingdom.

Update:  the pretty, sweet, irresponsible and spoiled princess came home with a black, bells and whistles, brand new iPod Nano.  And she showed it to her evil stepmother.  And her evil stepmother told her princess how disgusted she is with the whole situation.  And how disgusted about the lessons she is learning.  And the evil, vile and very wicked step-mother told her princess that…if she loses this iPod…then she will banish her to the dungeons…FOREVER!!