My son was being out-of-hand obnoxious this afternoon. Not listening. Talking back. Just flat out 6 year old awful.

So…

After uselessly counting to three. And threatening to take away his electronics privilege for the rest of the day falling to deaf ears and an attempt at an eye-roll…

I grabbed him, flipped him over and gently hit his bottom. Over his pants. Out of sheer frustration and in hopes of getting my point across. It’s something I VERY rarely do, the potchkie on the tushie.

Before anyone gets all preachy about spanking, let me reassure you, it was NOT even close to being considered a spank. It was a mere tap. I can’t even feel guilty about it because had it been bear bottomed, it wouldn’t have left even the smallest red marked hand print. Not to mention, it didn’t leave my hand all tingly from impact.

I had to do something though. And so that is what my frustration took over and did.

Anyhoo…

He looks at me.

Shocked, at first, because spanking isn’t my typical reaction.

Then, he smiled. A devil’s grin. Seriously.

“Mommy,” he said, so sweetly. “That’s ok. You can spank me. I like it.”

Do you see the look on my face, people? He LIKES the spank.

WTF?

We outgrew the belly button fetish. Now my 6 year old likes the slap.

OY. VEY.

Remember that Princess who lives in the Kingdom? The one who wanted an iPod nano so she got an iPod nano?

She lost it. AGAIN. For like, the 3rd time. And…she lost her digital camera.

But never fear. She hasn’t lost her cellphone. Not yet. But when she gets home tonight, the phone will be placed into my hands.

I don’t care that she got good grades. Wait. Yes, I do care. I think it’s awesome and I’m really proud of how hard she worked. And despite the fact that the deal was all A’s and she got 4 A minuses and 2 B’s, her father, the King, snuck and bought her a cellphone while I was in Chicago for Blogher. THAT is another post entirely.

But I walked into the princesses bedroom yesterday. Because Princess Curly Q Nosybutt had been whining about the mess that was starting to fall out of the closet and pour out from underneath her sisters bed…

THIS...is from underneath her bed. And the closet.

But then I looked at her dresser

more shit

And next to her bed…

What a neat child.

I realized five garbage bags just aren’t going to be enough.

To compare and contrast…which, there is no comparison…here is Princess Curly Q Nosybutts side…

And her nightside table…

And lastly, her dresser…

No real reason to show you the neat side, except now you’ll understand why Curly Q is whiny and bitchy all the time. If you were a neat freak like her and had to live in a pigsty…

Anyway.

Today, when Pigsty Princess gets home. I don’t care if she has a 4.75. I don’t care if she is President of the Student Council. I don’t care if her face turns all red and blotchy from crying and begging to not be forced to clean until tomorrow…or the next day…or the next day.

She will cross my palm with her lovely cellphone. And she will go directly into her room and not come out until it’s clean.

So I’m anticipating on never seeing her again.

The good news is, I found her iPod Nano at the bottom of the trough called a closet.

And I’m keeping it.

Her digital camera, too. THAT was underneath her bed. With some of her “missing” brand new clothes.

Ha.

Yes, good grades should definitely be rewarded. But other good behavior has to go along with it. And being that big of a slob…negates the reward for good grades.

Looks like I have all sorts of new electronics to play with.

To My Lovely Children:
After standing in your rooms, admiring your decorating skillz, I have some words for you.
Messy is NOT the new home decorating black.
See those piles under your bed, behind your doors, in your closets, shoved in corners?
See these garbage bags I have. Nice, big, sturdy ones. Ones that flex. And have nice drawstrings.
Yeah.
If those piles don’t disappear, and by disappear I mean…disappear. Not shoved further under your bed, further into your closet…covered by blankets and stuffed animals AND robes, shoved into an opposite corner…
Those piles.
Will meet these beautiful, flexible, drawstring bags.
Which, in turn, will be put on the front porch after a phone call to Purple Heart.
Where your things.
That you HAD to have.
Will go to children who NEED to have.
And those things that you HAD to have, that you don’t appreciate…
Will be GREATLY appreciated by these children.
So…
Heed this warning, my lovelies.
Because I am getting sick and tired of your messes.
I’m getting disgusted at your lack of appreciation for the things you have and your cavalier attitude when you lose them…somewhere in one of your many piles.

If this stuff isn’t picked up by Sunday.
These bags are crying from hunger…
it’s feed me Hefty.
Love,
Mommy