First of all, before the Queen starts making her list, she has an announcement to make. The Queen has determined she despises writing in 3rd person. It’s so…affected. And the Queen, despite her Royalness, is not even close to being affected…unless the effect is necessary. So the Queen will be switching to 1st person, from now on. She just felt you, her loyal subjects, should be aware of that small change.
I..the Queen..have quite a lot I would like to accomplish in my life. My bucket list is ginormous. It includes a lot of traveling. I (the Queen) have a seriously malignant case of wanderlust, it’s something I have been cursed with my entire life. And, I’ve never really been able to find a cure. I think money to fund this wanderlust would probably be somewhat helpful.
Due to the fact that there are SO many things that I, the Queen, have on my To-Do Bucket List, I’ve decided to share with you…my loyal subjects..the things you will never, in your lifetime or mine, see me doing. Ever.
Side note: Do any of you old-time bloggers remember Thursday Thirteen? Or was it Thirteen Thursday? It’s been so long, I can’t remember! I totally think we should bring it back because lists are fun!
With that in mind, I (the Queen) present to you, on glowing parchment with pulsing cursor pen…The 13 things on my ANTI-Bucket List (not in preferential order):
1. Waxing anything other than my eyebrows. I don’t care what anyone says about bikini waxing and smooth girlie bits. I’ll take my chances with razor burn, ingrown hairs and cut labia. I’m not putting hot wax anywhere lower than my face.
2. Piercings. Sure, my ears have multiple holes in them and I’ve been considering getting my cartilage pierced (by the way, I had to look up the spelling for cartilage. I’ve clearly been spelling it wrong my entire life and no one told me, not that I use it so much in a written sentence). There will never be a moment in my life where I think that a nipple piercing would be a good idea. Or a piercing lower than that. Ever.
3. Visiting a tribe of cannibals in the Amazon. Yeah, not gonna happen. I’m not even sure I’d want to see the Amazon. Although, I’ve always wanted to see the rainforest. But, there are really big snakes and spiders lurking in trees and under things and around things and..well..no. I just don’t foresee the travel part of my bucket list including having my brains be the main course. (because that is what cannibals would clearly want to eat from me. Duh) I don’t love having my brain picked, so being eaten would just be a giant ‘avoid at all cost’ type deal.
4. Roller Coasters and Water Rides with GIANT hills. I, the Queen, don’t enjoy being scared. And all those newfangled water rides and metal rides with hills that go straight down..ah…no. If I want to voluntarily scare myself, I just meander on over into my daughters room and take a look at her giant pile of clothes and other stuff on the floor. I’m certain there is something living in there.
5. Marathons and work-out competitions. I’m a lover, not a runner. I have a few friends that do marathons AND that Tough Mudder competition. I have not one ounce of urge to join in on their fun. I’ll let them have at it and I won’t even live vicariously through their story shares.
6. Mountain climbing. What’s that movie with James Franco based on a real life story? Well yeah..I’m going to avoid falling down mountain crevices by completely avoiding climbing mountains. It’s for the best.
7. Bungee jumping. The only type of Free Falling I enjoy is that song by Tom Petty. And that was so overplayed when it came out that I don’t truly enjoy that anymore. Voluntarily tying a cord to my ankle and jumping from unfathomable heights just isn’t something that I would get enjoyment from. Good on you, those who have no sense of fear. I…the Queen…in fact have a very acute sense of fear.
8. Have a later in life baby. Shop. Closed. The clock stopped ticking. The urge has left the Kingdom.
9. Joining a nudist community. I don’t think commentary is necessary here. But hey, listen, I’m not judging if that is something on your own personal bucket list. Nope, no judgement here.
10. Watching sharks via a cage dropped deep in the middle of the ocean. It’s fun to watch on television or in those videos that come through my Facebook feed. But, would I ever, in a million years, want to do that for myself? Nope. NO WAY. Because, my luck..one of those giant, prehistoric sharks (Megalodon) would appear and eat the whole shebang, with me inside. I have too many things I’d like to accomplish in my life and being eaten by a shark (or a cannibal)…so NOT on the list.
11. Smuggling drugs for a cartel. We Are The Millers makes it look like fun, traveling in an RV stocked to the brim with marijuana. And, while I wouldn’t mind the whole RV thing, I think that getting involved in the smuggling business would be bad business for my Kingdom. Sure, it would probably bring in some extra income, which we could use. But, dealing with the Kingpin Drug Lord and cronies…I’m just not the right Queen for the job.
12. Running with the bulls. Spain is pretty. Bulls, however…are not. They have those horns that impale, eviscerate, puncture and generally…can hurt you in ways that just aren’t appealing. You’ll find me enjoying local gelato, far away from the street where the crowds are running away from the bulls that are…well…bulling.
13. Bee keeping. I just watched a video of a guy holding a bunch of bees that were balling…creating heat and friction to kill the Queen bee. As a Queen,myself, I feel it’s in solidarity to all the animal kingdoms world leaders if I didn’t have anything to do with this type of shenanigan. Besides, I’m trying to keep my record of never, in my entire life, getting stung by a bee.
There you have it, the 13 things I will never do. I can say, with conviction, I will never…EVER..do anything on that list.