It feels like yesterday when I received an email and flyer letting me know that the 4th grader was about to embark on the education of sexual stuff. Well, it sort of was just yesterday. Okay, maybe it was two days ago but let’s not get too picky, I can barely remember what I did this morning, keeping track of actual days has proven to be a little more trying as the years advance.
My 4th grader will be learning about puberty in the safety of the school setting. Not that he hasn’t witnessed it, firsthand. He does, after all, have older siblings whom have gone through it. And trust me, it didn’t smell good. In fact, it still doesn’t and they are almost all done with that little phase.
Side note, teenagers smell. Bad. It doesn’t matter how many showers they take in a day or how much scented lotion or perfume they slather and spray, those feet…oh. MY. GOD.
Digression that I apologize for.
Needless to say, my son could probably fill in the blanks during the education of the puberty process. He can bring some real life experience into the mix.
Side note to his teacher: Don’t worry, I’ll bribe him into keeping his mouth shut. There will be no spoilers coming out of the mouth of that babe.
There is, however, one little incident that I would like to, um, give the heads up to. I’m…ahem…a little fermished at having to bring this up. But, I feel it’s my duty as a blogger. And also, it was sort of funny so, there’s that.
My son, who is about to learn about puberty in school, learned about open packets of condoms this morning.
I’m not admitting to anything. We know what happens when I do. My husband gets texts and phone calls from his friends who read my blog. It’s not pretty.
So, in the name of non-admittance…
There was an open and empty condom wrapper next to my husband’s side of the bed. Color me confused about how it got there since yesterday (wink).
My son, who feels it’s his duty and privilege to wake his exhausted parents up, bright and early on the weekend mornings, pulled his usual stunt.
He walks in to our room and announces that the tooth fairy, who had to show up last night because he lost yet ANOTHER tooth, had left him $6 by mistake. The going rate for teeth in our house, due to inflation, has gone up to $5 per tooth.
Being the kind and gentle parents we are, we yelled at him to get lost.
He was not having that. Not at all. He needed to continue the discussion regarding what he wanted to spend this money that the Tooth Fairy left for him so neatly under his pillow. And, this time, the Tooth Fairy actually remembered to take the tooth in exchange for the money. That, my friends, is a rare occurrence. The Tooth Fairy typically leaves money next to the baggy with the tooth in it.
Once again, we asked him, in not-so-nice tones, to remove himself from our room. Immediately.
And, he still wasn’t having it.
As he crept closer to my husbands side of the bed, which is the side closest to the door, something grabbed his attention.
He started guffawing as he huffed out, “Oh my GOD, there’s an empty condom wrapper on your nightstand, Dad.”
We ignored him, both of us praying he’d give us one more hour of quiet. Neither of us awake enough to even question how he would even know what kind of wrapper it was to begin with.
Prayers didn’t work. Then again, they never do us any good on weekend mornings. This kid…he’s relentless.
Grunting, we circled and avoided his announcement. Which, he kept going on about with the whole ‘why’ and ‘how’ about his new-found discovery that OMG his parents may actually do that special hugging for more than baby-making which, he may or may not believe is the only reason for this said special hug that parents do.
After a bit more hysterically laughing outbursts which were responded to with his parents putting their heads under their pillows which, on weekends, is the equivalent of parents sticking their heads in the sand…
He sighed with deep exasperation, grabbed his computer which has been in our room and then turned to leave the room while declaring, “This is something I am not going to let go of.” Guffaw. Mumble “empty condom wrapper, oh em gee.”
So, another note to the teacher who will be in charge of discussing puberty with the 4th graders, I am sorry.
He will bring this up because he still has no filter. He’s 10.
I am almost positive he will announce to his class that he found an open condom wrapper in his parents room. Just like I’m positive he announces who farts more and louder, his mom or dad (his dad wins).
So maybe you’ll have some wise and sound response for that kid.
Because, the only response I could come up with in my semi-asleep state was, “Go on, get out of here buy a Zombie game on Steam and watch Bad Grandpa.”
I know, we win at parenting on so many levels.
ps…the picture of the condom is not the actual one found in our room. That one was empty. And a different color. And old. Really old. Like, weeks old. Maybe.