Necessary Position

I think I’m in the middle of a funk. This in-between place of disappointment and excitement.

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll know that my latest job only lasted 3 weeks. I have no idea what happened but I’m going to take it at face-value…they said it wasn’t me.

So…that is the 2nd time I’ve taken a contract position, only to have it end with those words. I’m going to try to keep believing that it wasn’t me, it was just the sticky situation I found myself thrust into. No, I won’t go into details, that would be unprofessional. I have my theories.

It’s not easy to rebound from these curveballs. As hard as I try, I still keep feeling like a failure. So, I’ve made a decision not to do anymore contract work. Either freelance from my home or a permanent, full-time position are the only things I’ll do. Otherwise, it’s just not worth the effort anymore. Sure, the money is nice. But the emotional impact it has on my aging soul…I’ll pass, thank you.

Life doesn’t ever seem to go the way we expect it to, does it? When I was younger, it was easier to go with the flow. Now, since I’m just a teensy bit older, I want to be able control the flow of my life. No clue how to do that. Maybe it’s impossible.

No, no depression here. Just a funk. A cross-roads that I’m still standing on, trying to decide which turn to make and I’m so very unsure as to which way to go.

Then there is this app. That’s the excitement part of my life at the moment. While I’m not going to go into the details of the app, I will tell you that I can’t wait to share it! The alpha phase has begun and I’ll be presented with the storyboards next week. From there, I will determine if I want to continue with this app development company or find another one.

Getting too excited about it is something I’m trying to hold off on doing. Only because every single time I get excited about something, it doesn’t go as expected. Just like that job I had for 3 weeks.

I’m trying to stay positive without counting eggs. That’s not as easy as it sounds.

Then there is the whole parenting thing.

Which takes up a lot of brain and emotional space.

That never goes as expected either. When we have our babies, we expect them to sort of do what we did. You know, school, college, career and marriage with the final two not necessarily in that order.

It’s sort of shocking when you realize your kids aren’t using your brain. They have their own. And they make their own decisions, sometimes without consulting you first. Decisions that aren’t necessarily what you would consider the wisest choice. But, this free will thing was even given to our children. And they aren’t afraid to use it.

The letting go part…the part where you, as a parent, have to say…it’s on you…

Not so easy.

But necessary, I suppose. And once these babies turn 18, they are considered adults. So, while the house rules apply at any age, as long as the roof is shared with the parents…there are just some things you can’t fight over anymore.

And there are just some things you give up the fight on.

Like school, for example.

It’s hard to let your babies fall, especially after you’ve fought so hard to keep them from doing so.

This in-between place I’m finding myself in…

The one where I’m not the mom of little kids anymore.

The one where I’m not successful in my own right.

The one where I’m fighting the process of aging that we all face eventually.

I know this is probably a phase, we all go through phases…it’s part of being human.

I’m uncomfortable here. In this phase.

I’m most comfortable when I’m in my happy phase.

Which generally is most of the time.

I don’t always do well when I’m outside my comfort zone.

My muse has shut up, creativity isn’t flowing and my books that I’ve started are sitting in draft.

I spend too much time wishing, these days. And not enough time doing.

I know, it’s only been a few days since I was told my position wasn’t necessary anymore.

I don’t know why I let those words have such an impact on me. Especially the ‘not necessary’ part. And I’m not sure that’s even what I was told, but it’s what I heard.

And yet suddenly, I’m feeling like none of my positions are necessary.

At the moment, I’m just trying to feel necessary again.

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