Last night, I read a post by my good friend, Jessica Bern. She wrote an incredibly honest post about adult ADHD that resonated so deeply. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. Especially if you are, or know of, an adult dealing with ADHD.
I’ve spent so much of my life as the proverbial chicken with my head cut off. Running in circles until I collapse, only to get up and run in circles again.
It’s exhausting. Frustrating. Discouraging. Not to mention depressing.
The moment you think you’ve found your path, you get distracted by a little side road filled with shiny objects.
It’s sometimes trying to find your way back to that main path, if not completely impossible.
Because you forget what that original path was.
It’s the constant of forging new paths to only get sidetracked once again that gets me.
Once upon a time, I had a vision. It was fairly clear, sometimes foggy. But it was as clear a vision as I ever had.
I wanted to be a writer.
That remained a constant since as long as I can remember.
There have been a ton of sidetrack paths along the way.
But, I got there. Eventually.
Thanks to being medicated for ADD.
Like…diagnosed with ‘off the charts’ adult ADD.
Even on medication, though, staying on course is a struggle. Even though I’m more focused, I still get distracted. But, I’m more focused on those distractions though. So, I suppose that’s a good thing.
Having more clarity of thought, however, has made me realize I’m not where I want to be. Not even close.
It’s a bitter disappointment and one I’m having a really hard time trying to overcome.
My personal life is fine, I really have no complaints there.
I have a pretty awesome husband, on the most part. And, I don’t mean that insultingly. I don’t believe in perfect marriages. I know you aren’t going to get along with someone you live with 100% of the time. With that in mind, I think my marriage is pretty solid.
I have five great kids that I love with a passion the likes of which I never knew existed. I wish I could have given them more opportunities. I wish I could have introduced them to and offered them things my parents were able to do for my sister and myself. But, I haven’t and I couldn’t. And for that, I feel deep regret because I failed them in some ways.
Sure, there are things I still would like us, as a family, to do. Travel more. Talk more. Laugh more. But, I think that is probably normal, as far as wishes go.
Professionally, I am nowhere near where I ever thought I’d be. Not that I know what that means, especially because I never had a precise direction.
When I was in college, I was constantly switching majors. I went from anthropology to psychology to education to ultrasound technology. Then, I dropped out because I wasted 7 years and had nothing to show for it.
Yeah, ADD at its finest.
But, I didn’t know I had ADD because I had been living that way for so long, I just figured it was all me.
I thought maybe I was stupid and that’s why I couldn’t ever finish anything I started.
I thought I didn’t understand English because a lot of times, when people talked to me, they sounded like the adult characters from Charlie Brown. And I’d just nod and pretend like I understood.
I always thought there was just something wrong with me and my parents didn’t tell me because they didn’t think I should know.
And here I am, almost 45 years old.
I’ve dabbled in a bit of everything.
Social media. Blogging. Indie Author.
I still sometimes think I’m stupid.
I still sometimes don’t understand what people are saying to me because they sound like the adults on Charlie Brown.
I’ve learned how to compensate. To fake it.
The only consistent thing in my life, and something I’ve perfected…I’m still running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
My ADD is still of the charts, even with meds.
I still have this blurry vision of being a writer.
Like…a consistent book generating, money making, adored…author.
Shiny is still taking me down little side paths.
I don’t stay on those paths as long as I used to because with the help of meds, I leave breadcrumbs to find my way back to the original, blurrily focused path.
I don’t know how I got here, I digressed so majorly big-time from my original point of this post, I think.
Then again, I digressed majorly big time from my original path so I guess this is par for my course.
I’m trying so hard to find my way toward some semblance of successes.
I do ‘stuff’ every single day. Online.
Some, I get paid to do.
I spend a lot of time staring into space, lately.
The best I had felt, in a long time, was when I was working outside of my home for those three months. I felt like an adult with a profession.
It was amazing.
But, I”m back to feeling a little lost. A lot misdirected.
When I was younger, my dad used to try to get me to write lists. Like a daily to-do list. And as I got older, a life to-do list.
I tried that.
I lost the list.
I guess I need to make a new one. Maybe save it to the Cloud instead of in an old school notepad.
My list, though, would go something like…
Get a job.
Finish those books.
Not a lot to do there, right?
But, when you’re an adult with ADD, distractions end up making that list a mile long. Until, there is no possible way to complete any of it.
Not even dinner.
I don’t know, maybe this is a feel sorry for myself type of post. Even though I’m not really feeling sorry for myself.
I’m trying to figure out what to do, how to get myself to stay along that path.
Because time is starting to run out.
I’m not young. Although, I’m not old either.
I’m in the middle.
And I want to make the rest of my time here count.
I don’t want to say…I wish I had remembered to have done that…
The thing is, I know what all of this stuff is from…
The distractions, the redirects, the things holding me back…
Part of it is ADD. Without a doubt.
And part of it is me.
That’s the part I can’t figure out how to fix.