I’ve been feeling blank lately. Not fill-in the blanks, blank. Just kind of uninspiredly meh. Two words that are being identified as unidentifiable via my spellcheck. So, I guess I’ll rephrase myself. I’m feeling unidentifiable.
Unidentifiable in so many ways, actually, now that I think about it.
I can’t explain exactly. But mostly, it’s a “sit a stare out the window watching the dried leaves blow across the driveway” type feeling. See…sort of unidentifiable but yet, still there and real.
Maybe it’s the weather? Or the fact that I could really use a vacation? Perhaps it’s all the creaking in my joints destroying my fantasy of youth?
All I know is, I’m feeling a little restless leg in my entire body. Which, restless and sitting staring aren’t all that compatible, if you must know.
I was writing this one blog post the other day. It was about the fact that I started ballet again after an almost 20 year sabbatical. Which…20 years of not doing something isn’t really a sabbatical, it’s more like…quitting. It was actually a really good post. Well, I thought it was. I talked about how I came home from my first class, sat at my kitchen table with achey muscles and cried from happiness.
When I hit publish, it disappeared into nothingness.
Par for the course of my blog, I suppose. Disappearing into nothingness.
I was so upset so I decided not to even bother to rewrite the darn thing.
I googled “Blog post prompts” to see if there was anything to spark my interest. I read this post about how prompts are dumb. They are for people who make excuses and are lazy.
OMG. It’s true. Well, for me, I guess.
You see, the other night, I decided I wanted to write but more along the lines of a writing exercise. So, I consulted with Mr. Google and was referred to this really cool Tumblr account that was FULL of writing prompts. Instead of writing, I was too busy reading all the prompts and saving them to a file I created, amply titled “Writing Prompts”, which sits on my home screen. Waiting.
I didn’t end up writing a damn thing. Sure, they sparked interest and ideas. But, by the time I was done looking through all the great prompts and saving them, I was exhausted and went to bed.
As I was curling up in bed, fluffing my pillows just so, I was startled by a loud, unidentifiable noise. It freaked my animals out, too. And if animals get freaked out, then you should REALLY start worrying.
I thought my roof collapsed, that’s the sort of noise I heard. I called my husband, who was at a friends house watching boys in tight shorts showing off large packages roll around in a octagon shaped cage. Something called MMA, which I pretty much hate.
He told me to lock the doors and he’d be home in an hour.
So, I stayed in my room.
When he got home, he informed me that the roof was intact but a large Weeping Willow tree from our front yard was now reclining in our driveway.
It made me sad. I love that tree.
Everything was different, I think, when my kids were younger. Especially for the blogging part of my meh. I need prompts because I’m not allowed to blog about anything. And, the things I CAN write about aren’t all that interesting.
I dunno. I guess we go through phases, one of which being a “feeling like there is really no place for me” phase. I’m nicheless in so much of my life. Yet, the parts of me that fit into a niche, like…middle aged, mom, woman, blogger…I don’t feel like those should be my defining titles anymore. Small business owner,sure…that’s a good one. I mean, they are all good niches to be in, of course. But, when it comes to online, I don’t think that’s where I want to be anymore.
Yet…unidentifiable isn’t a great space to be taking up either.
And I just totally rambled my way through this entire post. But, to be honest, these were the things that were on my mind when I sat down to write just now.
Well, I guess I can say the good thing is I got some stuff off my mind AND wrote an entire post without having to go back to look for a prompt to use…or stuff in a folder…
The point? Nope, no point here today. None whatsoever. If there was one, I wouldn’t be able to identify it anyways.