A Year

A year.

A whole year has passed since my Mom died.

It’s still so hard to believe that I’ll never get to talk to her again. Well, in person, anyways. Because, I still talk to her.

Constantly.

In my head, I fill her in on everything that’s going on. The good and the bad.

Sometimes, if I listen closely, I can almost hear her response. Most likely it’s because I know what she’d say. But…maybe not?

The ache is still there. Constant. But, I’ve gotten so used to it that it’s become a whole new part of me.

I don’t cry as often as I did a year ago.

The missing and longing hasn’t changed, only I have.

Things have.

Life has.

All changed.

Constantly.

Sometimes I think she’s watching out for me. My mom. My guardian angel.

I don’t know if my thoughts or belief about G-D has become any different, I’m still skeptical.

But I TRULY, in my heart and soul, believe someone has been watching over me.

Since my Mom died and my grieving has, for a lack of a better word, lessened…

Wonderful things have been happening.

Coincidence?

I really don’t know.

I really want to think that my Mom plays a part in it; she’s helping to navigate my life in a better direction.

Because that’s where my journey has suddenly been taking me.

The twists and turns are becoming straighter, easier to walk along.

Opportunities are constantly presenting themselves.

Home is becoming just a little more manageable despite some obstacles that, once upon a time, seemed too overwhelming to circumnavigate.

And, for some reason and maybe it’s just my heart talking, I credit my Mom.

I find myself discussing G-D more with friends. Their complete faith is something I am a little jealous of because of how long I’ve struggled and waffled.

I’m getting there though. And even as I type this, I find myself clenching because part of me says NO, the whole concept is ridiculous, it’s like believing in mermaids and unicorns.

Yet, something within me has changed. Just ever so slightly. And when I actually think about it, my head feels a little lighter.

Still, while I am trying to get there in that blind faith, I also know that opportunities wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t present and receptive.

Somehow though…they are finding me.

Small, baby step successes are winding up in my hands.

New, wonderful friendships are being made.

A sense of calm that I’m not quite used to.

This has been the hardest year of my life yet, somehow, it’s also been one of the best years.

Pain and pleasure.

I guess you can’t have one without the other because alone, they’d probably be unbearable.

So Mommy, if this is with your help, thank you. Because, you’re helping fill that gaping hole that was left when you died.

And, if this is G-D, I’m trying. I really am. So, please be patient with me while I yo-yo.

If all of this good is just coincidence, that’s fine too. I’m OK with that.

All I know is that I’ve stopped looking for those BIG signs with neon lit arrows pointing to where G-D has left a message.

I’m listening to the whispers now.

And sometimes, if I listen hard enough, I can hear my Mom yelling at me to quit smoking. Then I do what I did when she was alive…I press ignore.

Mommy…I miss you. I’m doing fine and hope you are too. I dreamed about you last night, you were young and had that Vidal Sassoon haircut. The kids miss you, especially Em. Kimmy is hanging in there. So is Daddy. Every time I see a hummingbird, I think of you. And, we have a lot of hummingbirds in my backyard. More this year than ever before. Is that coincidence too?

Thank you Mom. Thank you for being my Mommy. Thank you for all your advice and thank you for always being there. I love you.

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