A whole year has passed since my Mom died.
It’s still so hard to believe that I’ll never get to talk to her again. Well, in person, anyways. Because, I still talk to her.
In my head, I fill her in on everything that’s going on. The good and the bad.
Sometimes, if I listen closely, I can almost hear her response. Most likely it’s because I know what she’d say. But…maybe not?
The ache is still there. Constant. But, I’ve gotten so used to it that it’s become a whole new part of me.
I don’t cry as often as I did a year ago.
The missing and longing hasn’t changed, only I have.
Sometimes I think she’s watching out for me. My mom. My guardian angel.
I don’t know if my thoughts or belief about G-D has become any different, I’m still skeptical.
But I TRULY, in my heart and soul, believe someone has been watching over me.
Since my Mom died and my grieving has, for a lack of a better word, lessened…
Wonderful things have been happening.
I really don’t know.
I really want to think that my Mom plays a part in it; she’s helping to navigate my life in a better direction.
Because that’s where my journey has suddenly been taking me.
The twists and turns are becoming straighter, easier to walk along.
Opportunities are constantly presenting themselves.
Home is becoming just a little more manageable despite some obstacles that, once upon a time, seemed too overwhelming to circumnavigate.
And, for some reason and maybe it’s just my heart talking, I credit my Mom.
I find myself discussing G-D more with friends. Their complete faith is something I am a little jealous of because of how long I’ve struggled and waffled.
I’m getting there though. And even as I type this, I find myself clenching because part of me says NO, the whole concept is ridiculous, it’s like believing in mermaids and unicorns.
Yet, something within me has changed. Just ever so slightly. And when I actually think about it, my head feels a little lighter.
Still, while I am trying to get there in that blind faith, I also know that opportunities wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t present and receptive.
Somehow though…they are finding me.
Small, baby step successes are winding up in my hands.
New, wonderful friendships are being made.
A sense of calm that I’m not quite used to.
This has been the hardest year of my life yet, somehow, it’s also been one of the best years.
Pain and pleasure.
I guess you can’t have one without the other because alone, they’d probably be unbearable.
So Mommy, if this is with your help, thank you. Because, you’re helping fill that gaping hole that was left when you died.
And, if this is G-D, I’m trying. I really am. So, please be patient with me while I yo-yo.
If all of this good is just coincidence, that’s fine too. I’m OK with that.
All I know is that I’ve stopped looking for those BIG signs with neon lit arrows pointing to where G-D has left a message.
I’m listening to the whispers now.
And sometimes, if I listen hard enough, I can hear my Mom yelling at me to quit smoking. Then I do what I did when she was alive…I press ignore.
Mommy…I miss you. I’m doing fine and hope you are too. I dreamed about you last night, you were young and had that Vidal Sassoon haircut. The kids miss you, especially Em. Kimmy is hanging in there. So is Daddy. Every time I see a hummingbird, I think of you. And, we have a lot of hummingbirds in my backyard. More this year than ever before. Is that coincidence too?
Thank you Mom. Thank you for being my Mommy. Thank you for all your advice and thank you for always being there. I love you.
Beautiful post- I feel you! Sending love and understanding
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Sending you hugs – I know how much you miss her.
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Tara R. says
My thoughts are with you. I’m glad that you’ve found some peace and that life is treating you better.
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I am glad that you are finding some peace. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago. In many ways it has gotten easier but every once the grief comes out of no where. But the grief is always better than numbness!
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I know exactly how you feel. When it was the anniversary of my Dad’s death last year, I had the same emotions. Now, I feel it easing a bit as time passes. You do find peace, eventually, but when the memories-a scent, a photo, a thought-take over, it all starts again. She will forever be with you, because you are you because of her. Try to find the happiness in that. I do believe they walk with us every day.
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Melissa this was really thought provoking. I do believe in G-d, but I too yo yo on what I believe and where the support I find is coming from. Are the people I have lost angels or are their spirits so strong I will simply always feel them? I think, like you, that someone is watching out for you and I am sure your mom will always be a part of your life and the directions it takes. Being able to listen to what is around you is a powerful thing, and I think it is wonderful that you are talking to friends about their faith. I am so sorry that you lost your mom. I hope that this next year shows you even more wonderful things.
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Jessica @FoundtheMarbles says
And now I am weeping like a baby. Hugs, Melissa.
Oh, sweetie, what a lovely post. I have no words of wisdom, but I am sending you a huge, huge hug.
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I’m glad you are opening yourself up. I think that’s a good thing.
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I teared up at this – wishing you more goodness.
Elaine A. says
This is a beautiful post of your feelings and true heart. I’m amazed at the “pain and pleasure” part of the year you have had. Much love to you…
“YOU do what YOU gotta do to make BlogHer work for YOU.”
I’m from the same camp: and if something didn’t go well then it’s time to look at yourself and ask do you want to change it, do you know what to do about it.
Take responsibility and sometimes that means ugly acceptance of your part in it, even if it’s hard to know the reason why.
Thank you for this post: it took hours of work, That is evident.
Courtney Velasquez says
Pass me the tissues…that was so beautiful! Sending you big hugs my friend.
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