In 2010, I was in NYC for Blogher. I had an amazing time, of course, because I was surrounded by a huge group of friends. So, who couldn’t have fun?
Deep inside, I was so insecure. In fact, it was to the point that I had to fight it in order to go out and be seen. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and wanted nothing more than to hide. Especially at night, when the parties were in full force and dressing up was called for.
All because of my weight.
My stupid weight.
When I got home and saw pictures of myself, I wanted to die. I was beyond mortified that I looked like THAT. In some pictures, I didn’t recognize myself. The girl in the picture wasn’t a person I knew, not at all.
So, I made a vow to myself that, for 2011, I’d lose weight in time to feel comfortable at Blogher. Instead of losing, I gained. 15 pounds. It was out of control.
When my mom died, those 15 pounds dropped due to being on an anti-depressant mixed with grief and stress… but I was stagnate. I don’t know if it was my thyroid, depression due to my moms death or what but, no matter what I did, the weight clung to me like those jeans that kids wear these days.
Only…not as cute. And those skin tight jeans aren’t all that cute to begin with.
I started a new diet in April. Including those diet pills called Adipex…which, I happen to love. I feel great on them and I truly don’t care if they are something I take for the rest of my life.
At first, the weight still wouldn’t come off.
It started to.
First, down 5.
I’m under 10 pounds away from where I was in 2009! And I’m about 25 away from my goal!
Since last summer, I’m down a total of 27 pounds, as of this morning.
I’m so excited! SO. FREAKING. EXCITED.
I know that it would come off faster if I’d just start working out. I keep thinking about it. But, I haven’t gone any further than those thoughts. Maybe thinking about it burns off calories and tones muscles? Maybe? 😉
I haven’t worked out since last July when my mom got sick. I haven’t had any motivation, I think I’m still a bit depressed.
As I lose weight, I get mushier.
Which, I’m somewhat OK with because my clothing size has decreased by almost 2 in the last few months.
I figure that, by the time August rolls around, I’ll be back down to a comfortable size 8 or 10. I’ll also be a super mushball by then, too. So please excuse me when you hug me and I feel like a ball of dough.
But regardless, I finally…FINALLY…am beginning to feel true confidence again, after it being tucked away for these past couple of years. Because, I’ve been faking feeling confident. It’s been hard and I don’t do it well. I’m not a good faker.
Because I’m not a good faker, I’ll take that true, radiating from within…confidence WAY before muscle mass any day.