In 2010, I was in NYC for Blogher. I had an amazing time, of course, because I was surrounded by a huge group of friends. So, who couldn’t have fun?
But…
Deep inside, I was so insecure. In fact, it was to the point that I had to fight it in order to go out and be seen. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and wanted nothing more than to hide. Especially at night, when the parties were in full force and dressing up was called for.
All because of my weight.
My stupid weight.
When I got home and saw pictures of myself, I wanted to die. I was beyond mortified that I looked like THAT. In some pictures, I didn’t recognize myself. The girl in the picture wasn’t a person I knew, not at all.
So, I made a vow to myself that, for 2011, I’d lose weight in time to feel comfortable at Blogher. Instead of losing, I gained. 15 pounds. It was out of control.
When my mom died, those 15 pounds dropped due to being on an anti-depressant mixed with grief and stress… but I was stagnate. I don’t know if it was my thyroid, depression due to my moms death or what but, no matter what I did, the weight clung to me like those jeans that kids wear these days.
Only…not as cute. And those skin tight jeans aren’t all that cute to begin with.
I started a new diet in April. Including those diet pills called Adipex…which, I happen to love. I feel great on them and I truly don’t care if they are something I take for the rest of my life.
At first, the weight still wouldn’t come off.
But then…
It started to.
First, down 5.
The 10.
Now…16!
I’m under 10 pounds away from where I was in 2009! And I’m about 25 away from my goal!
Since last summer, I’m down a total of 27 pounds, as of this morning.
I’m so excited! SO. FREAKING. EXCITED.
I know that it would come off faster if I’d just start working out. I keep thinking about it. But, I haven’t gone any further than those thoughts. Maybe thinking about it burns off calories and tones muscles? Maybe? 😉
I haven’t worked out since last July when my mom got sick. I haven’t had any motivation, I think I’m still a bit depressed.
As I lose weight, I get mushier.
Which, I’m somewhat OK with because my clothing size has decreased by almost 2 in the last few months.
I figure that, by the time August rolls around, I’ll be back down to a comfortable size 8 or 10. I’ll also be a super mushball by then, too. So please excuse me when you hug me and I feel like a ball of dough.
But regardless, I finally…FINALLY…am beginning to feel true confidence again, after it being tucked away for these past couple of years. Because, I’ve been faking feeling confident. It’s been hard and I don’t do it well. I’m not a good faker.
Because I’m not a good faker, I’ll take that true, radiating from within…confidence WAY before muscle mass any day.
I’ll hug you no matter the size or mushiness.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Unexpected
I first met you at BlogHer 10 and you were one of the most fun, beautiful people I met that year. So whatever you were feeling inside you projected your incredible self! I hope this means I’m seeing you back in NYC in August. After both the loss of your mom and my dad in these two years, I’m just looking forward to hugging a friend you understands. 🙂
I’m really excited for your weight loss, I understand how crappy it is to feel bad about yourself because of your weight, especially when you’ve been through so much. I just worry about the safety of amphetamines for weight loss, especially long term? I assume you’ve got a doctor keeping an eye on you(I have friends who have ordered diet pills online…eesh!) but I just want to stress the importance of making sure you work at changing your diet as well. No point in getting all skinny if you aren’t making yourself healthier as well through your food choices(and you don’t want to see that weight pile back on when you stop the pills!). Stay safe and congrats on the loss 🙂
Sara O’Flaherty´s last blog post ..I Have the Coolest Kids Ever, or At Least the Biggest Doctor Who Nerds Ever
Go to a garage sale and buy a bicycle. Find a friend with a bike they don’t use anymore. Steal one from somebody who lives on the other side of town. Just do something to get yourself on a bike. It’s a healthy, non impact, cardio workout that’s actually fun. And your legs will look amazing(er).
Congratulations, you!!
I’m so happy for, and inspired by, your success!!
Congratulations! I know what you mean about how the way you look zaps your self-confidence. And I’m glad you are finding it again!
Gigi´s last blog post ..The tassel has turned….it’s official, he is a graduate!
Congrats, that’s awesome! I too waffle between weights – I’m about 30 lbs. heavier than my all-time lowest (but I was there b/c of illness, not eating right/working out) and like 20 lbs. less than my all-time highest. I use myfitnesspal.com if you are ever interested 🙂 it’s a fun way to write stuff down.
And I’m looking forward to BlogHer with you guys this year!
Liz´s last blog post ..Bernie
Congrats! Good for you. Stay positive and focused and you will get there!
Congratulations on such a huge accomplishment. Once you start losing, it just gets easier.
On the exercising front, I recommend grabbing a few friends and forming a walking group. I used to walk with 3 other Moms three times per week. We would walk for an hour to an hour and half, and the time flew! It did not feel like working out at all – it felt more like therapy. We all had our chance to vent and air out our issues. With Moms, there is always so much to talk about and many laughs were shared – I always felt better after walking. I should start up my group again too. Thanks for the inspiration. 🙂
Mom on the Make´s last blog post ..Havanese Dogs are the Greatest
Congrats to you! I like the earlier suggestion about cycling for exercise- it is a great idea. And, don’t underestimate the value of a good, brisk walk a couple times a week 🙂 That is something you can do for a very, very long time and in all types of weather. Keep taking care of yourself!
Dawn´s last blog post ..Foodie Fridays: Joplin Avenue Coffee Company
I can’t wait to see you at BlogHer this summer!!!! I bet you look amazing! Hugs!!!!