I woke up this morning crying.
It hasn’t really stopped, the tears keep falling and all I can do is wipe them away to clear the area for more.
Today we should be celebrating my Mom’s 69th birthday.
Instead, we are shocked that today marks 7 months since she died.
Two anniversaries today. One of life. One of death.
My sister doesn’t understand my need to post about it to Facebook and my blog. Attention seeking she calls it.
I call it unburdening.
I think of it as taking my heart out and putting it online so that I can analyze it.
OK, maybe, just maybe, there is a little attention seeking. But it’s more in the way of looking for comfort from people I share stories of my life with.
I want to share that today is hard.
I want to share that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss my mom.
It’s getting easier.
It is.
A little bit every single day.
On a normal day, I can think of my mom without crying.
Today isn’t a normal day.
So, I’m sad.
I think about what’s happened, just in the last seven months since my mom has been gone.
Some amazing things.
Things that I think she would have been proud of.
And, a not so amazing thing that I can still hear her sighing “Oh, Melissa” in my head.
I can’t help but be amazed how life just takes off.
Life, time…it doesn’t really care if you’re alive or dead.
It just never stops.
Right, I know. The saying goes “Time waits for no one”.
I always understood that.
BUT I SO GET IT NOW.
My mom died.
We still cook.
Clean.
Take care of our day to day responsibilities.
Laugh.
Cry.
Dance.
LIVE.
And it doesn’t matter that a big piece of my heart isn’t here anymore.
Everything else in my life makes up for it.
And somehow, these everything else’s…
They keep me standing.
Going.
Working.
Loving.
Smiling.
Crying.
LIVING.
Even my life didn’t wait for me to recover from the blow of my mom dying.
So today…
I cry in my mom’s memory.
I laugh in my mom’s memory.
I succeed in my mom’s memory.
Today, I celebrate her.
The mom she was.
The lessons she taught me…even the ones she didn’t realize she taught me.
I celebrate the super cool and amazing woman she was.
Despite the fact that she was a pain in the butt.
I celebrate the fact that I had a wonderful childhood because of her (and my dad but this isn’t about him right now).
I was exposed to things that so many kids weren’t ever given the opportunity to be exposed to.
Today, instead of mourning the 7th month of her death…
I celebrate that she lived.
And that I was so lucky to have her as my Mom.
So, to my mom…
I miss you. I love you so much. I think you’d be proud of me and everything I’ve been doing lately. It’s because of you, you know. You are the one that allowed me to reach for the stars even if I was afraid I’d fall. You are the one that taught me that if you fall, you get back up and reach again. Eventually, you’ll be able to touch them.
Mommy, I’m almost there.
Happy Birthday to the most wonderful Mom. Ever.
I love you forever.
Love,
Your oldest and most favoritest daughter in the world (I know you only tell my sister that she is to make her feel better)
Missy
Each of us processes things in our lives differently – and I think you sharing that you are hurting, struggling… and celebrating your mom’s life today is a good way to remember her and keep her legacy alive.
Julie @DutchBeingMe´s last blog post ..Post- #BlissDom life…
Love you, PH. xoxoxoxo
Melisa Wells´s last blog post ..Always, A Reason.
Oh yes. I know. This month will be 10 years and it killing me.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Working Mom Wisdom: Kids, Sports, and School
Mom would be very proud of what you have accomplished in the last 7 months, and of this post. She had so much faith in you and your ability, far more than you did. Hopefully you’re beginning to understand what she saw in you. She always wanted you to find that thing that would keep you engaged so you would achieve your potential. You have certainly done that. She was amazing, and she taught us well. We were very fortunate to have her for as long as we did, even if it wasn’t long enough. And, as she always said, we’re lucky she gave us each other. Love you Missy.
Wow–if my daughters turn out as amazing as you two obviously did, I will have done my job as a parent. Your mother must be watching you both now with such pride–not only for what you provide to us (in that beautifully written piece honoring your mother’s life (and all of your other posts) and in your kind words to your sister), but for what you provide to each other! I know it’s hard to find the line between attention-seeking and catharsis, but sometimes we need–and get–both. Thank you for sharing your words and your memories with us–hopefully doing so will make it hurt just a little bit less.
justanothertiredmommy´s last blog post ..Leap Around The Blogosphere Leap Around The Blogosphere Leap Around the Blogosphere…
I am with you. I totally get this post. I know how you feel. I felt the exact same way with my dad. He passed away almost 9 years ago and the first year I couldn’t even look at photos of him without crying. I literally could not look at a photo.
And I too feel the need to share online when I miss him. It’s like, the world doesn’t stop but the world needs to know someone really really great isn’t here and should not be forgotten!
I can tell you, it does get easier. But I still miss him every single day. And I’m still angry he misses out on so much.
But I will take your advice and celebrate the time I did have with him because it shaped me. I was so lucky to have him for as long as I did.
My heart is with you and both of our parents.
Janine´s last blog post ..Got a Secret? Share it Once with One Time Secret
Big squishy hugs to you, doll. Happy birthday to your mom!
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog post ..I am grateful…
I am sure she is extremely proud of you and everything you have accomplished! Happy birthday Missy’s Mom!
Karen The Microblogologist´s last blog post ..Heaven
It’s been just over 6 months since I lost my father, so I absolutely understand how you are feeling. Getting past Christmas and his birthday was tough, and I’m not particularly looking forward to helping my mom through what would have been their 60th anniversary in June…but like you, I try to celebrate the good times and memories. <<<<<>>>>>>
Dominique´s last blog post ..Pittsburgh’s best view from atop the Duquesne Incline
I am so sorry you’re hurting. Today is hard, and you need some virtual hugs (or real ones) and for people show that they remember too and grieve with you… that’s what family, friends and community does. oxox
Tara R.´s last blog post ..Are you ready
We all process through grief differently. You do what you need to do to get through it and find the healing you need. It may not be your sister’s way, but it’s yours and it’s okay.
I caught a lot of grief for working through the emotions of my marital breakup so publicly, but that’s the person I am. That’s what I do. I look back and cringe at some of the things I wrote back then, and I shrug it off. That’s where I was at the time. It’s led to where I am now. I am better for having been through it. To process through another channel would have been incomplete.
Shine on, you. You’re amongst friends who love you.
Nancy (@ Spinning My Plates)´s last blog post ..Marching in
Love you. Have been thinking of you all day today. <3
XOXOXO – My thoughts are with you, my friend.
Christina S.´s last blog post ..Family Meals with 2 Teenagers – Yes, It IS Possible!
missy, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad a year ago december. each day gets a little easier, but there are still days. Your sister is wrong, ihmo, about the blogging being attention seeking. I wrote about my father all the time during the first year. you can go look. if you need to talk, just let me know.
mara´s last blog post ..When Bullying has Become a Buzzword
Sorry for your loss. I lost my mom almost 20 years ago. Some people say that it does get easier but honestly I do not find that to be true. It is good to share it and let it out, you are not alone and it is comforting that others know how you feel. Celebrate her life, laugh and cry it does make you feel good.
Irene´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday: Amazing Sunset
Melissa, I just want to hug you. Every word you wrote I feel and believe 100%…its just my dad who is now no longer here. On the 16th will be a month and my head and heart can’t grasp the grief and loss but also that eternal love thatn transcends both worlds.
I know how you feel. {{Hugs}}