I woke up this morning crying.
It hasn’t really stopped, the tears keep falling and all I can do is wipe them away to clear the area for more.
Today we should be celebrating my Mom’s 69th birthday.
Instead, we are shocked that today marks 7 months since she died.
Two anniversaries today. One of life. One of death.
My sister doesn’t understand my need to post about it to Facebook and my blog. Attention seeking she calls it.
I call it unburdening.
I think of it as taking my heart out and putting it online so that I can analyze it.
OK, maybe, just maybe, there is a little attention seeking. But it’s more in the way of looking for comfort from people I share stories of my life with.
I want to share that today is hard.
I want to share that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss my mom.
It’s getting easier.
A little bit every single day.
On a normal day, I can think of my mom without crying.
Today isn’t a normal day.
So, I’m sad.
I think about what’s happened, just in the last seven months since my mom has been gone.
Some amazing things.
Things that I think she would have been proud of.
And, a not so amazing thing that I can still hear her sighing “Oh, Melissa” in my head.
I can’t help but be amazed how life just takes off.
Life, time…it doesn’t really care if you’re alive or dead.
It just never stops.
Right, I know. The saying goes “Time waits for no one”.
I always understood that.
BUT I SO GET IT NOW.
My mom died.
We still cook.
Take care of our day to day responsibilities.
And it doesn’t matter that a big piece of my heart isn’t here anymore.
Everything else in my life makes up for it.
And somehow, these everything else’s…
They keep me standing.
Even my life didn’t wait for me to recover from the blow of my mom dying.
I cry in my mom’s memory.
I laugh in my mom’s memory.
I succeed in my mom’s memory.
Today, I celebrate her.
The mom she was.
The lessons she taught me…even the ones she didn’t realize she taught me.
I celebrate the super cool and amazing woman she was.
Despite the fact that she was a pain in the butt.
I celebrate the fact that I had a wonderful childhood because of her (and my dad but this isn’t about him right now).
I was exposed to things that so many kids weren’t ever given the opportunity to be exposed to.
Today, instead of mourning the 7th month of her death…
I celebrate that she lived.
And that I was so lucky to have her as my Mom.
So, to my mom…
I miss you. I love you so much. I think you’d be proud of me and everything I’ve been doing lately. It’s because of you, you know. You are the one that allowed me to reach for the stars even if I was afraid I’d fall. You are the one that taught me that if you fall, you get back up and reach again. Eventually, you’ll be able to touch them.
Mommy, I’m almost there.
Happy Birthday to the most wonderful Mom. Ever.
I love you forever.