Parenting But Stills and What Ifs: A Brief Thought of Selfishness

Being a parent is NOTHING like I expected it to be. Although, I’m not EXACTLY sure what I was expecting to begin with.

Yes, I love my children more than life itself. These people are the most important and precious humans on the planet to me.

So why is it that sometimes I feel like running away and leaving them all behind?

Sometimes, I just want THEM to just shut up and disappear and leave me alone to do my own thing.

Looking at those words makes me shudder because really, the thought of them not being there is horrifying.

But still.

I find myself getting jealous, sometimes, of the non-custodial parents in our families equation. They can come and go as they please and our house is the child depository. They go on vacation or just don’t feel like being a parent that day, no big deal, we are here. The constant.

We can’t do that. EVER.

But what if?

When the kids come home from school and each, with individual needs and immediate wants, get in my face at the same exact time. The only thing I can do is sit there and listen, trying to focus on whose need and want is most immediate. While wishing them away. Because otherwise, I get lost. My voice, my entire being. I disappear as a mom and become the life complaint center with very dissatisfied customers.

I get overwhelmed in them and their issues. I’m their mom, they expect me to, IMMEDIATELY if NOT SOONER, make things happen for them that they want to happen. Taking no for an answer doesn’t always seem to be in their realm of reality.

I can’t afford something. They want to know when it is that I’ll be able to afford.

I can’t do something immediately. They want to know when, as close to immediately, I can do it.

And all I do during this bombardment is wish them away. I wish them to be somewhere else. Demanding, needing, wanting from someone else. Because, at that particular moment, the only thing I wish for is to be gone. I picture myself in a little cottage overlooking the Mediterranean, perhaps the South of France. Or a villa in Tuscany looking at the rows and rows of grapevines bending and twisting toward the sun. I sigh, content in these fantasies.

But what if?

The trouble is, I’d never leave. That is never even close to being an option.

But still.

They take turns, my kids, being havoc wreakers. If it’s not one, it’s another. Or another. And the other.

I. Just. Want. QUIET.

I want them to UNDERSTAND.

I want the to give back, in some way, the way they expect us to give. Even 50% to our 100% would be nice.

I wish they would understand that life doesn’t alway revolve around their needs and wants, other things factor in. Perhaps it’s my fault, I let them think the moon rose and fell around them when they were little.

They were easier then.

The problems were as little as they were.

Their needs were more manageable.

I never, ever thought they wouldn’t be easy still.

I never thought their needs would become so BIG.

So overbearing. So emotionally toiling.

I don’t remember being like that as a teenager. Perhaps I was. And if I was, I owe my parents so much more gratitude than I ever thought I did. Because I don’t know how they lived through being parents. Being Mommy and Daddy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Without losing themselves or their sanity.

I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t. Because I love my children with every single beat of my heart and every single breath I take.

But sometimes I wonder…

What if it were just me.

Just for a moment.

But still.

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11 Responses to “Parenting But Stills and What Ifs: A Brief Thought of Selfishness”

  1. Jennifer says:

    I’m so tired of being taken for granted. Just so tired.
    Jennifer´s last [type] ..Losing the genetic lottery

  2. Jennifer says:

    I could have written nearly the exact same post! I think it’s OK to think those things and yes, even write them. In the end if you decide that you would still stay despite the Mediterranean cottage, then you’re good and everything will end up OK.

    Jennifer

  3. Sydney says:

    Great post. Most parents probably wouldn’t dare say the things you said in this post but I appreciate it because it’s honest and from the heart. I am a new parent to a 5 month old and barely understand what I am in for. But I know that soon I will no longer be a mystery and I will be completely bombarded and overwhelmed with the moment to moment demands of my child. It’s okay, I signed up for it. But I believe it’s alright to have discussions like this with other parents because most understand. Some don’t, like my mother-in-law, or wouldn’t dare say it out loud for fear that they going to be portrayed as bad parents. I love my son with every fiber of my being as well but miss my pre-child self…a lot. I look forward to reading future posts !

  4. It’s totally understandable, IF you’re a GOOD parent, to have those thoughts and feelings! I have days when I want to go to a hotel so I can just have a good night’s rest. I actually “day-dream” about it, then my husband and kids come home and I hear them chatting and the “day-dream” goes away…until the next time.

    Whatever you do, DON’T berate yourself for feeling that way. You DO love your children. You are just having a tough time with some of the demands placed on you by them sometimes. That’s perfectly normal because you are HUMAN! If you did all that you do without feeling a thing, then I would think there was something wrong with you!

    Hang in there! Hide under your bed if you have to for a few minutes reprieve.

    And ((Big Hugs)) to you for being an awesome mom!!
    Pamela D Hart´s last [type] ..Blonde 911, Coffee Spitting & Postal Pizza

  5. Kim - Mommycosm
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh, boy. Been there. Felt that.

    I know this might sound impossible at this stage, but you must take time for yourself in order to not feel so overwhelmed by their needs.

    Wanting for them to shut up and feeling as if you want to run away is… normal, lol. When I start feeling that way, I know it’s time to do something to feed my soul. Go to dinner with girlfriends, read a book, take a short trip… whatever it takes to refresh and be less resentful of their needs. It’s easy to lose yourself in them.
    Kim – Mommycosm´s last [type] ..@eBay’s new site puts Green on steroids, plus enter to win $1,000 gc #spon

  6. It’s like you invaded my exact thoughts. So eerily similar.

  7. Gigi says:

    We’ve all been there. And yeah – who knew that big kids meant bigger problems? *sigh*
    Gigi´s last [type] ..Guess what today is?

  8. Awesome. You wrote exactly what I think everyone feels now and then and SHARED it. The perfect journal entry that most can relate to. Personally, if I didn’t give myself time outs and walk away, my brain would shut down anyway. Its good for our children to know that they are not the only stars in the universe. Parents stars are just as bright and we want to have a real life of our own too…and space to be in it.
    Great post!

  9. Rachel
    Twitter:
    says:

    Great post. You wrote what all of us think now and again (or, in particular stages–all. The. Time.).

    Rachel
    Rachel´s last [type] ..Dream Feed – Dropping the Dream Feed

  10. You are not alone in your sentiments. I think, at least in my case, that since I do not have a job outside the home, even though I am super-busy all the time, there is this thinking that my schedule is flexible and therefore I am the go-to person for every crisis. While it is true to a degree, it is a slippery slope. I just wish I could assert myself in a calm manner when I need time, space and peace.
    Middle State/MomZombie´s last [type] ..Powered by the Dragon

  11. A resonating post. My kids are on the verge of being teens and I must admit I’m a little scared that my being taken for granted will get worse before it gets better — but then I remember what I did to my own parents. Dang karma.
    Lori Lavender Luz´s last [type] ..Because I just got taller

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