My son has been living with chronic pain. He’s been battling a horrendous beast.
When he was in 2nd grade, the doctor told us that, at some point, medication WILL be necessary.
The last 8 years, I’ve let him deal with this pain in his own way, allowing him to slap away my helping hand. There is, after all, only so much a mother can do.
These last 8 years, I’ve watched him struggle with this pain, this beast. There have been days where he has been able to force it away briefly but, lately and more often than not, the beast, so strong, is winning.
That beast, the one I’ve had to let my son struggle with…is depression.
Yesterday, it came to a head. He was so miserable and sad. I ached for him. I wanted to hug him and transfer this horrible beast onto me. Let ME deal with it. I’M the MOM. Leave him alone!
This time though, he came to me. My son lead his beast to me and asked me to help him so that he’d be able to lock it in a cage.
He told me that he doesn’t remember a time where he ever felt any true emotion other than sadness. The other ones, he learned to fake. He knows how to pretend to be happy but his incredibly beautiful smile never really reaches his eyes. Any positive emotion that many of us take for granted, he doesn’t. Because they rarely touch him.
It was something the rest of us already knew. We were just waiting for him to come to us, hoping that it wouldn’t be already too late.
I’m so thankful that my son was brave enough and strong enough to admit, through his intense stubborn side, that he is depressed and needs me to help him. So many children never come forward and where they end up is somewhere I don’t want to think about. Especially when it comes to children.
I don’t know what chemical depression feels like. But I know what it looks like. I’ve watched it grow for 15 years. I’ve opened its bedroom door in the middle of the night, held my breath, and made sure it was still breathing. I’ve monitored how long it goes into the bathroom, or how long its shower is only to feel relief when he reemerges in one piece.
For so many years he has refused any help. Constantly swatting away ANY hand that wants to help. Trying to find blame in other people instead of really looking to the real root of the problem.
Until last night.
The depression was too much for him. He told me that he kept waiting for it to pass, to subside, to release its grip. It was too tight and it hurt.
His pain was all over him. I saw it. I watched it.
I promised him that he was done dealing with this himself. I wouldn’t allow it anymore.
He is finally allowing me to take on that beast. Mommy style.
I called the doctor this morning.
My son WILL be going on meds, just as was predicted by our psychologist 8 years ago.
Beast be warned, my son will be armed and dangerous. A war has just been waged.
And I’ll make damn sure that my son comes out the victor.
You are a great mom. I have suffered from depression as long as I can recall and clearly remember begging my own parents for help. Back then, I was labeled as “spoiled” and was told to “deal with it” and “stop whining.”
I cried a lot. I was alone. A lot. And I had some very dark thoughts and some scary demons to battle on my own at a young age.
Luckily, I was able to work my way through it and advocate for myself as a teen and I’m hyper aware of my own children’s moods and realize that these genetics could be passed along.
So many young people, especially boys, suffer in silence for too long. You’re a great mom (I know I already said that, but it’s true).
Tell your son that this first step is the hardest. He’ll see the light and it will get better.
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Great post. I have many friends who’ve wrestled with the same beast – some have won, and some have lost.
Hold your war-banners high, and never surrender.
Skinner´s last blog post ..FC49 – The New Florida
Oh Melissa, I know this is a huge step for him. He can now get the help he needs, and is open to that help. I’ll keep you all in my thoughts. I’m just a call away if you need anything.
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I’m very proud of both of you. As a depression sufferer and parent of a potential patient, I feel your pain. It is very easy for those of us with strong personalities to trick ourselves into thinking we can control it. Watching your child go through it is heartwrenching. I applaud you for standing by him.
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Good for him. Good for you. I hope the meds open doors to an amazing child that’s been locked within for far too long.
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This was tough, but necessary to read.
I’ve had depression on and off over the years, and finally decided to go on meds, which I’d been resisting, in 2009. It made an enormous difference.
I CANNOT imagine how you or your son have felt (it must break your heart as a mom) (I know it does), but I’m so glad he’s getting the help he needs and has a parent who understands and is willing to support.
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Beautiful. You are a wonderful mother to support him even when it was hard for you. I pray this is the relief he has been waiting for.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this. And good for you for doing what you think is best.
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I’m so glad he came to you. I wish there was some way to connect him with young men that had the same problem. I know there are tons of people that face it, but at his age if you hear it from a peer or someone you think is cool then you are more likely to believe that everything will be okay. Again, so glad he came to you.
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Really glad he’s asked for help
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Beauty and the Beast. My odds are on the beauty of unconditional love and a course of action. I’m sure writing this will help others address this real problem that is gripping our society.
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Good job. It’s great that he is finally accepting the help and that you are there watching and taking care of him.
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It’s so hard to be on the outside when someone very close to you is suffering with this disease. One of my very good friends has been dealing with depression for a long time, and even though I know just being there for him helps, I never feel like I’m doing enough. So I can only imagine what it’s like for you when it’s your son dealing with depression.
Keep reminding your son how brave he is and that he’s taken the first important step toward battling depression. And no matter how hard it is, you stay strong, too. He’ll need you to do that, and I know you can.
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This is very poignant. He is brave to ask for your help and you are one great mom for guiding him through. I join in prayer that he finally overcomes his beast. God bless you.
Thinking of you both. He’s so lucky to have an amazing mom like you. {hugs}
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Oh, Melissa. You and I have far more in common than we had realized. I too have watched the beast in my own home. Your son WILL feel better in just a few short weeks and I promise you that you will know EXACTLY when it happens because you will see it in his eyes.
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Hi Melissa,
Your son is truly brave and strong. I am sure he is going to defeat the beast. Stress is the worst thing experienced by children and very few children have the strength to admit and fight with it. I respect you from the bottom of my heart and I feel your son is lucky to have a loving mother like you.