6am: Not so gently awakened by the deep voice of a 15 year old man child who is informing me that I’m stupid. Why am I stupid? Because he has no clean clothes and no dry clothes. Why? Because I’m stupid and didn’t turn the dryer on so all of his clothes are sopping wet in the said appliance.
6:07am: I stumble down the stairs to investigate the cause of my so-called “stupidity”. If I am guilty as charged, then fine.
6:08am: I am led directly to the laundry room where the lid to an appliance is open and that deep voice of the 15 year old says see…
6:08 1/2am: I turn around to leave the laundry room. As I head toward the stairs I yell out…hey stupid, check the dryer. Your clean, DRY clothes will be in there.
6:09 am: I return to my bed to stare at the ceiling for the next hour, confident in the fact that I am not stupid but worried that, perhaps, my child might be.
7:30am: Go into almost 8 year olds room to get him up for school.
7:50am: I am finally able to drag cranky child from bed to couch in order to feed him, dress him and get him to school by 8:20am. Yes, I’m in a hurry and he’s almost late.
7:53am: Walk into kitchen to find that sometime between the hour of 6:09 am and 7:53am the dogs have gotten into the garbage and decided to decorate the kitchen floor with the contents. And, the big dog has eaten the last four bagels.
7:56am-8:20am: Various decibles of screaming from various octaves of vocal ranges. But kid is finally off to school.
8:30am-3:15pm: Stuff. Work. Phone calls. Bathroom breaks. Coffee breaks. Lunch breaks. Work. Walking dog breaks. Break breaks. Consider working out for a moment. Get preoccupied and forget that I thought about working out. Realize I have probably been sitting to long and that is why I seem to have a pinched nerve in my butt that is traveling to my knee. Take motrin. Sit back down at the kitchen table to “work”.
3:30pm: All kids are home and I am told I’m stupid for a myriad of reasons. But coming from teenagers, it’s practically a compliment so I smile at them and give them the finger behind their backs. It’s how I roll.
5:30pm: Husband comes home. Crabby. Complainy. Asshole-y. I give him the finger behind his back. Then the double bird. Also, I give him the finger to his face. It’s how I roll.
5:40pm: I start thinking about cooking dinner. Realize I have nothing in the house and I call and order pizza. But that’s ok, it’s now considered a vegetable. So I make sure to order extra cheese, pepperoni and Italian sausage. So the kids get protein in there with their veggie.
9:00pm: I get the little guy into bed, read him a chapter of a book and fall asleep. Me, not him.
10:00pm: I am awakened by husband telling me to tell the kids to take the dogs out because he is sick of being the bad guy. So, every night, I’m the bad guy because he’s sick of being the bad guy?
10:30pm: Everyone is whining, crying, yelling, slamming doors and stomping feet because they don’t want to take the dogs out to poop. So, I give them the finger again and briefly consider packing my bags to run away from home. Instead, my husband and I take the dogs to poop.
11:30pm: The teenagers are still running around the house getting ready for bed. It’s as big a production for them to get to bed as it is for them to get ready to go in the morning. What gives?
11:33pm: Exhausted, I crawl into my bed with my make up still on. No worries, I moisturized and brushed my teeth. I begin to doze.
11:45pm: Husband tells me I should shower so we could…you know…
12:00am: Lock bedroom door so that you know can commence but am sure I hear breathing as children, who are still awake, are outside listening.
3:30am: Strange, vile choking noise coming from somewhere in our bedroom.
3:35am: I go to investigate said strange noise and step into a warm, slimy fur ball that was thrown up around 3:30am.
4:05am: Strong, putrid stink wafts into the bedroom. I pull the covers over my head to block it and to, hopefully, fall back to sleep.
6:00am: I am awakened by a deep voice telling me that one of the dogs had shit on the floor downstairs and I should clean it up.
6:09am: Repeats from the previous day…
Disclosure so that I’m transparent: Times, events and circumstances may change daily but it’s always a variation of the same theme.