I read Pauline’s post today and found myself nodding and crying at the same time. Because I am going through a similar ordeal with my children. Yes, my CHILDREN. My two oldest.
My son. My firstborn child. He gave up before he even started. He’s has dragged himself to school and through school since kindergarten. No matter what I’ve done, no matter what outside help I’ve gotten him, there have been no results. He is failing and it’s breaking my heart.
My middle child. My beautiful daughter. She is struggling too. Both socially and academically. At this moment, we’ve begun the IEP process…AGAIN. The 2nd time in her school career. Something is being missed and I can’t figure out what, despite all the doctors and psychologists I’ve taken her to. No one has any solutions except meds and that isn’t what she needs.
Like Pauline, I feel like a failure. What am I doing wrong as a mother that I can’t help my children thrive in school? That I can’t guide them to a fulfilling life. I’m failing them. And for that, I have such deep sorrow and regret. But, I’m at a loss. I don’t know what else to do other than what I’ve been doing and will continue to do. Which is, I am there at their side. No matter what.
I can’t drag my son into the psychologist anymore. He’s too big and strong. No matter how much I beg him, he won’t listen. He fights me. He fights anyone who wants to help him. He just doesn’t care.
My daughter cares. And because she cares so much, it’s starting to wear her down. She’s giving up too. Resigning herself to the fact that she will never do well in school, she’s stopped trying. No matter what I say or do. No matter the advice I give or the advice anyone else gives, she has decided she is a failure and is acting upon that decision.
My heart is breaking for them. I live in full on panic mode because these kids are someday going to be adults and then what? If they give up now, they will have nothing. And I want way more than nothing for my children. They need to see what I see in them even though they shrug it off when I share with them what I see.
To me, they are the most beautiful people. Not just on the outside. Inside. They are smart, clever, artistic, quick. They are lights that shine so brightly, even though, right now, their lights are flickering.
Pauline mentioned the word “borderline”. That’s what my kids are. In public schools, borderline doesn’t necessarily get the help that they need. Which, shame on the school districts. And they keep moving the kids up, from grade to grade, despite shortcomings which are overlooked because of that word…borderline.
I’m at my wits end. Exhausted. Guilty feeling all the time.
I don’t know what to do anymore that to keep on being their advocate.
Sadly, being the advocate for children who are borderline doesn’t hold much weight because of all the other kids who are way beyond borderline.
I don’t want my kids to feel like failures. I don’t want to feel like a failure either.
We are better than that.
I keep thinking to myself failure isn’t an option. But yet…here I am.