I miss my mom.
Desperately.
Not a day goes by that I don’t reach out to call her, only to stop mid dial and redirect.
Not a day goes by that I don’t cry, the loss sometimes more than I can take. The pain sometimes more than I can bear.
My heart catches in my throat and then sinks into my stomach so often that I’ve become used to it.
I’ve had to remind myself that she is gone. That woman driving the gold Lexus isn’t her. The lady with the crazy, curly hair wearing a familiar jacket with a familiar gait, it’s not her.
She’s gone.
Not vacation gone.
Not shopping gone.
Gone gone.
Mourning is hard work emotionally. And there is nothing that can be done to stop the process, it’s part of who were are. We lose, we mourn.
But…
We go on.
We have to choose to. To force ourselves out from under the painful despair and breathe the freshness of life.
I choose to go on.
I refuse to redefine myself because I am now motherless.
I choose to look forward and live my life.
I choose not to get caught up in my grief because it could become all encompassing and I don’t have time for that.
I choose to remember, smile, laugh or cry and go about my day.
I choose to celebrate.
I choose to get giddy and euphoric.
I choose to have a smile in my voice and a bounce in my step.
I choose to make plans excitedly, knowing that I can’t call her to share.
I catch my heart from my stomach and return it to its proper place.
But, I also know that she does know.
That she is watching me, alongside her Dad, her grandparents, her aunts and uncles…
She is aware that I am doing things that make me happy. A happy that, for just a little while, masks the sadness that sometimes overcomes me.
My mom wouldn’t want me to spend my time missing her, she’d want me to carry on and enjoy my life.
She’d tell me that life is for the living. And it is.
It is obvious.
I am living.
My mom is gone.
I plan on enjoying my time left here. Because who knows when it will be over.
I know that this is what my Mom would want.
I know she would want me to live. For her.
I know that she is smiling.
And that is why it’s OK that I smile too.
xoxo
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I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Spaces like that in our heart are so hard to fill. I hope every day brings you something to smile about. <3
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I can’t even imagine the terrible sense of loss. I am so impressed by and proud of you for your attitude though. Our thoughts really do control our feelings. She would want you to be happy, to cherish life and your family. You’re a wonderful daughter. And friend.
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I wish I could give you a hug.
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Big hugs to you. I’m wishing you many smiles.
I’m wishing you many smiles.
That sounds like a good plan. I’m sure your mom would want you to try and go on, live your life and try to be happy. Lots of hugs.
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I happened upon this just after hearing of my Gramma’s passing. So fitting! Thank you for the unintended bit of comfort. And all the best to you!
The only way to do grief is the way you’re doing it, it’s a good way.
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I remember after my Dad died that sometimes I would just all of the sudden get this crushing pain in my chest and I couldn’t breathe, like things were just over. But they weren’t. And that has gotten better. But I do have to admit to still looking for him sometimes. If someone drives by that looks similar I find myself wanting to follow them. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help it.
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I’m glad that you are smiling and enjoying life — which is for the living — even though you are still in the throes of mourning. I know it took me a few years to fully recover from the death of my father. And my dear sweet grandma who lived to be in her ’90s, who slipped away six years ago this month? I ache with the loss of her in my life some days. She was my No. 1 fan, cheerleader, and confidant. I try to keep alive the qualities in both of them that are worth passing on, that are worth being remembered by. Hugs to you.
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