I miss my mom.
Not a day goes by that I don’t reach out to call her, only to stop mid dial and redirect.
Not a day goes by that I don’t cry, the loss sometimes more than I can take. The pain sometimes more than I can bear.
My heart catches in my throat and then sinks into my stomach so often that I’ve become used to it.
I’ve had to remind myself that she is gone. That woman driving the gold Lexus isn’t her. The lady with the crazy, curly hair wearing a familiar jacket with a familiar gait, it’s not her.
Not vacation gone.
Not shopping gone.
Mourning is hard work emotionally. And there is nothing that can be done to stop the process, it’s part of who were are. We lose, we mourn.
We go on.
We have to choose to. To force ourselves out from under the painful despair and breathe the freshness of life.
I choose to go on.
I refuse to redefine myself because I am now motherless.
I choose to look forward and live my life.
I choose not to get caught up in my grief because it could become all encompassing and I don’t have time for that.
I choose to remember, smile, laugh or cry and go about my day.
I choose to celebrate.
I choose to get giddy and euphoric.
I choose to have a smile in my voice and a bounce in my step.
I choose to make plans excitedly, knowing that I can’t call her to share.
I catch my heart from my stomach and return it to its proper place.
But, I also know that she does know.
That she is watching me, alongside her Dad, her grandparents, her aunts and uncles…
She is aware that I am doing things that make me happy. A happy that, for just a little while, masks the sadness that sometimes overcomes me.
My mom wouldn’t want me to spend my time missing her, she’d want me to carry on and enjoy my life.
She’d tell me that life is for the living. And it is.
It is obvious.
I am living.
My mom is gone.
I plan on enjoying my time left here. Because who knows when it will be over.
I know that this is what my Mom would want.
I know she would want me to live. For her.
I know that she is smiling.
And that is why it’s OK that I smile too.