If I weren’t Jewish and if I believed in a g-d of some sort, I’d probably go to Confession or something.
But, I am and I don’t. So, herein lies the solution…
My blog is my confessional and you are all in charge of my penance.
3 years ago I decided to do a really difficult thing. Quit smoking.
I did it.
I was on a smooth and steady wagon ride, destination Annoying Ex-Smokersville, population: millions.
I hated everything about smoking.
Gah, it’s gross. It smells disgusting. People look all squinty and wrinkly when they take a drag from their fag. It’s a totally grody looking and smelly habit.
To me, smoking equates weakness. Any addiction does. And I’m not big on weakness, especially my own. And ESPECIALLY one that stinks, looks stupid and causes wrinkles.
Fast forward a little over three years later.
This wagon ride I’ve been on…it got bumpy. Actually, I don’t think the rickety old Blue Streak at Cedar Pointe, the roller coaster that scares the crap out of me, can hold a candle to the bumps, hills and pot holes I’ve been traipsing over.
I got to the point where, well, I just couldn’t hang on. I got tossed, my friends. I got thrown from the wagon. Blame it on the road.
I broke down and started smoking again.
I started out bumming cigarettes from my hoodlum friends. Capris and Dajarms, to be exact.
Then, I found myself needing more than the occasional, my stress levels were too high to manage. I coughed up the 7 freaking dollars and bought myself a pack of Marlboro Lights. In a box.
Yeah…I made a lucky. What of it? I need all the luck I can get, it seems.
And here I am, 2 weeks later. $21 in the hole…dear G-D, cigarettes have gone up over $3 since I quit.
Every single stinking time I light up, as I’m trying not to squint or suck too hard…don’t want unnecessary wrinkles along with my lung cancer and emphysema, I hear my mother yelling at me.
“Melissa Beth…what do you think you’re doing?”
And every single time, I respond to that voice in my head by rolling my eyes. Still. “I know Mom. I know.”
I also wonder what the heck I’m doing.
Why am I doing this to myself.
I know, I know. I’ve quit more than once. I’ll do it again.
VERY, VERY SOON.
Because I know how gross smoking is.
I also know how very horrible and unhealthy it is.
The good thing is, I can’t stand doing it. I think there is just something about it that my nervous energy needs right now. So back to the secret hideout I go, where I hope my kids don’t catch me!
Hopefully, life will calm down soon.
Or the Zoloft will kick in full gear soon.
In the meantime, I’m trying to rebuild the broken ladder to get back on that wagon. Also, a sturdy seatbelt might be in order. Roads seem to get rocky these days.
Once I get through this , I don’t want to let any more bumps toss me.
So forgive me friends if I smell vomitatious. It’s a temporary setback. I’m trying to offset it with some lovely perfume my friend Jodie gave me. I think, however, I might end up smelling more like a French whore than a pretty, pretty Princess.
Just don’t tell my Dad I’m smoking again. He’ll ground me.
alternate ending: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Christina S. says
Let me know when you decide to quit again – maybe I’ll join you. Um, if I can find someone to put me in a light, medically induced, coma anyway. 😉
Christina S.´s last blog post ..Blog Commenting for Brands
YOU don’t want a cigarette – your addiction does. It’s time you quit feeding that fucker and took control.
And the notion of you smelling like a French Whore is so … pleasant to ruminate about. Don’t tell HIM, okay?
lceel´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday – In The Barn
Christina @RantRaveRoll says
Been there… done that. You’ll quit again when you are ready. Clearly it is something you need right now, and that is understandable considering the circumstances.
Christina @RantRaveRoll´s last blog post ..HAPPY HUMP DAY 08/10/11
Tara R. says
Maybe you don’t need a ladder, you need a hand up. Call someone when you feel like you need a cig, like any other addiction you could use a sponsor. Someone to talk you down when that nicotine feeling starts itching.
You’ve been through a lot lately. It’s understandable, but like you said… you’ve beat it before, you can again.
Tara R.´s last blog post ..Chapter Two: moving out
Oh love, I know exactly where you are. I quit for five (yes, FIVE) whole years and was so proud of myself. Guess what? Fell off the wagon. If, no WHEN, I quit again, I’ve learned, never give in to that temptation to have “just one; what could it hurt?”
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Kid Id says
Quitting smoking is one of the hardest addictions to beat. It’s a process. You can get back on the wagon when you are ready, but you need confidence in yourself that you can do it. You’ve done it before – for three years!!! That means you can be successful again.
Elizabeth V. Wheelock says
This is one thing that I have no clue about. However; my husband smokes, and has tried to quit many times. Still can’t seem to stop. Not knowing what it feels like to keep quiting; I can’t really tell my husband to quit. I hope that he can one of these days. Hopefully sooner. I hopr that works out for you! God Bless!!
Your right smoking is pretty gross, and if you quit once you’ll do it again hopefully sooner rather than later.
But i had to laugh out loud about the confession comment!
I’m Catholic and in our Parish school many of the children aren’t Catholic and love to go to confession – and do. Actually their first on line, it’s the Catholic kids who HATE confession and are the ones last in line, heads down dreading every minute!
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Thanks for the follow! I know it’s hard to quit, but you can do it!
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You can get up. You’ve done it before. You’ll do it again.
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