My mom is dead.
I keep saying those four words to myself and then I shake my head in disbelief.
How is that possible?
But, it’s been a little over a week since I’ve last seen her or spoke to her. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without any contact with my mom. So, it must be true. She’s gone.
I saw the casket lowered into the ground. I even did that stupid mitzvah thing that us Jewish people do…I threw a shovel full of earth on top of the casket. The one my mom was in. Forever. But the whole time I was screaming in my head “Are you sure she’s dead?” I mean, what if it’s all been a big mistake?
People keep telling me to write about it, that I’m so lucky to have my words as my outlet. Well, words fail me. Even the cards I’ve been getting in the mail don’t do justice to the numbness I feel.
It isn’t fair.
Life isn’t fair.
My mom is supposed to be here to guide me through my life. I’m only 42 years old, I still need my mom.
There is no one to replace her.
She’s dead. My mom is dead.
My greatest fan. My support. The one person I went to for everything.
Life goes back to normal. Well, as normal as it will be for now.
Meals to cook.
Dust bunnies to round up.
Work to do.
I have to readjust myself now. My mindset. Those millions of times I called my mom during the day? They now have to be replaced with something else. But right now, it’s just a lurch in my heart. A sinking in my stomach. A shocking realization…”Oh yeah”.
She’s dead. My mom is gone forever. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never talk to her again. I’ll never fight with her again or hang up the phone in exasperation from her again.
My life will be forever changed.
I am motherless.
And no matter how old we get, women need their mommies.
I am the recipient of her beautiful rings. Maybe some of her fabulous shoes, if they fit.
I don’t care.
Yes, I’m grateful for the time I had with her, especially since she outlived her original 5-7 year prognosis by 20 something years. It wasn’t long enough though.
I will forever live my life guided by wisdom she imparted on me.
But, it’s not the same. It never will be.
My mom is gone.
I’ll never see her again.
It may get easier.
It does get better.
But she’s still gone forever.
I’m having the hardest time wrapping my brain around that fact.