Walking The Line Of Life

· by: melissa

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Life.

A circle?

No, a finite line.

A beginning, a middle and an end.

Definite points in time.

We travel this line, all of us.

Some don’t make it past the beginning while others sojourn successfully to the end.

Today I fed my mom. I cut her food up into little pieces and tried to coax them into her mouth. I took the straw of her water cup and gently caressed her lip to stimulate her to take sips.

Today I helped my mother to the commode. Her legs too unstable to support herself, the nurse and I were her legs and her balance.

Today I listened as my mother mumbled words quietly to herself, over and over like a child practicing nursery rhymes.

Today I realized my mother has reached the end of her line. Her gallant fight is ending and the white flag is being waved gently right now.

She whispers that she is waiting. I ask who she is waiting for, she doesn’t know.

I know she promised my sister she’d wait for her to come home from her trip.

I wonder if she is also waiting for her dad, my grandfather to guide her.

All I can do is sit. And watch. And hold her hand.

I save the tears for the car ride home.

My mommy is dying. There is no denying this fact anymore.

Today I realized that I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life missing my mom.

I’m not ready.

I know no one is ever ready.

But I’m really not ready.

I’ve already been missing her, her life essence gone a few months ago. But at least she’s been here in physical form.

I still need my mom.

I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like without her.

I can’t imagine my children someday having to go through this with me.

Today I realized, as I sat at the hospital helping my mom, just how bittersweet that walk down the line of life really is.

From beginning to middle to end.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Jenn says

    tears are streaming down my face. You took me back to 5 years ago as I sat by my own Mom’s bed as she waited. I know you’re not ready. I wish I could sit with YOU and hold YOUR hand. You have my number. I get it. Call me anytime even if it is just to vent, cry or be quiet with someone who gets it.

    I’m sorry. I am so sorry.
    Jenn´s last blog post ..The BlogHer’11 Quit Freaking Out Edition!

  7. Melisa says

    I’m so sorry, PH. I wish I could be there to help support you in person, but as you know I’m also just a phone call away. Love you.

  13. Loukia says

    I am crying so hard for you right now. I’m so so so sorry, Melissa. I feel your pain. Huge hugs and love. xoxo

  14. pgoodness says

    One of the moments I dread most in my life. Tears for you and for your mom. Sending strength and hugs as you go through this.

  16. Rada says

    I’m so sorry Missy, there are no words to make you feel comfortable, but what I do know that memories of your mom always will be with you. Love you!

  19. Jamie says

    I am thinking of you Melissa and sending you good thoughts. I am so so sorry. This is so hard…sending you love.

    XOXO

  20. tracey - justanothermommy says

    I’m sorry… There is little solace in knowing that we all must go through loss of loved ones. If anything, that tends to make me really pissed off.

    I hope her last moments are peaceful and painfree. I hope that you also find peace, soon.
    tracey – justanothermommy´s last blog post ..Blerbidy blerb

  21. slouchy says

    I went through something very similar 2 years ago — down to the feeding through straws. If it helps, I wrote about it (archives between fall of 2008 and spring of 2009).

    I’m so terribly sorry. I know how hard it is.
    slouchy´s last blog post ..The Memory Chef

  22. Cathy says

    I’m sorry Melissa. I sat by the bedside of Dad waiting. I sat as he took his last breath. This isn’t easy and it won’t be…it sucks to the enth degree. I won’t pretend to offer words that can comfort you right now because there aren’t any. While you are caring for your Mom and giving her every last bit of love that you have just do one thing…..allow someone else to do the same for you. Big hug to you!
    Cathy´s last blog post ..Cody rode his first roller coaster and I survived

  23. Laurie says

    Melissa, I am so sorry for where you are right now, for where your mom is, too. An unfortunate, albeit eventually unavoidable part of the line of life we all walk, as you say. I haven’t been there yet, but I feel for you. May God bless you and provide you the strength and peace you need at the very moments you need them. Sending love and prayers from SC. Love Laurie, Scene of the Grime Blog
    Laurie´s last blog post ..Crescent Roll Pocket Pies {choose your filling!}

  27. heathenking says

    i understand your hurt girl…my own mother, who is almost 88, is in rapid decline with dementia type of alzheimers. this woman has always been the person to meet me at the door and see me off after walking me to that same door. there is no remedy to this pain except to hope her passing is soon, and that i can keep the memories of her better days more fresh in my heart. you do not walk alone during this time friend…

    todd

  28. Jen says

    How terribly sad it is to see your parent drift away; to anticipate their end and feel so helpless to do a thing about it. I’m sorry for your pain as I’ve felt it personally.

    Like many of the others who have commented before me I’d like to offer to you and your mother my prayers.
    Jen´s last blog post ..before my leg goes to barbados it needs IV drugs

  29. Karen MEG says

    Oh Melissa, I feel this pain in my heart for you as I’ve been there. Sending you and your family all the prayers and hugs that I wish weren’t virtual. Hang in there hon, this is heartbreaking.
    Karen MEG´s last blog post ..Update, Vacay style

  32. crazypants says

    No matter what you see or hear, nothing can take away that pain of loss. I went through a similar scenario to this with my Grandmother, and it was so hard to see my Mom in the same position you have been in.

    Just know we are all thinking of you right now. I’m sorry for your loss Melissa.
    xo

  33. Jennifer says

    Oh Melissa… My heart is aching for you. I traveled that road with my Dad and I know… I know so well. And I know what is coming next, and I’m just so, so sorry. I would steal this hurt away from you if I could.
    Jennifer´s last blog post ..You MUST try Pinterest!

  36. Mrs. Weber says

    Melissa, my heart goes out to you for finding the strength to write this post. Indeed, life is a finite line. Your mother was so lucky to have someone as caring as you to take care of her during her final days. You and your family and in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS.
    Mrs. Weber´s last blog post ..Singing in the Car

  39. My Pajama Days says

    Oh Melissa, I have nothing more insightful to say that hasn’t already been written. I saw your update on Twitter today and then read this. I am crying alone in my kitchen, thinking about my own mother and how I am in denial that someday she won’t be here. My heart breaks for you – and although I am not a very prayerful person, I will be thinking of you. Hugs.
    My Pajama Days´s last blog post ..And the Band Plays On

  40. Elisa says

    oh honey, I am so so sorry. We always need our moms, and the fact that we know they won’t always be there doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it when the time comes. I am so sorry, I wish I could send you some strength, hugs, support and love through the interwebs!
    Elisa´s last blog post ..Blue

  41. Tiaras & Tantrums says

    Dear Melissa –

    I just wanted to write you a bit to say how sorry I am for your loss. I don’t know you personally or your family, but I wish you a smile or two in the next few days.

    Remember you mom in the sun . . . that will make you smile.

    Teresa
    Tiaras & Tantrums´s last blog post ..You Capture: White

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