When the endocrinologist informed my that it wasn’t my thyroid making me fat, I found it hard to believe. In a strong Indian accent, he insisted I needed to be on some sort of anti-depressant, stress was the cause of the numbers rising on the scale.
Harumph, I thought but gave him a fake smile and nod anyways. After all, what does he know about stress, he’s an endocrinologist. Thryoid, diabetes and whatever else endocrinologist doctors take care of, those are his specialty.
Besides, I am from the This-Too-Shall-Pass School. You know the one, avoid and ignore until it goes away. I mean, all the events in my life, the negative ones…they were all temporary. My mom’s illness. The difficulties with our mortgage. The kids. My husband. Life. All cyclical, all due to become more positive. Any. Minute. Now.
So, contrary to what was recommended to me, I did not give my internist a call. I could do this on my own, no problem.
Except, I gained 10 more pounds since that appointment in April. And that is on 1000-1200 calories a day.
Then, things started getting worse.
My life wasn’t changing. Things at home, well, not so great. My mom, getting worse. Life was hitting me in the face with a constant barrage of spitballs and I just stopped being able to duck from them.
My chest got tight and stayed that way, and I don’t mean in a muscular, working out type tight. My breath was hard to catch. My nerves began to vibrate. I started having constant, yet small, panic attacks. I began locking myself in the bathroom to cry but would tell everyone I was pooping. I started feeling like I might explode. And to make matters worse, the eyelid of my right eye has been twitching for days and shows no signs of letting up.
I started toying with the idea that, just perhaps, the guy who deals with the endocrine system might know a little more than I gave him credit for.
I realized that my state of mind is reflected through my weight.
When I am happy, I’m thin. When I’m not so happy, I gain weight. When I’m beyond miserable, I am fat.
I am beyond words miserable.
And despite what my husband believes, my weight is just a blip on that radar. But it’s a vicious cycle. The more unhappy I become, the heavier I get. The heavier I get, the more unhappy I become.
I can’t break this cycle on 1000 calories or less.
I also can only control me.
I can’t control my husbands misery and the way he interacts with the family. I can’t control my mothers health. I certainly can’t control my children.
Then last night, one too many camels hairs were piled up and my back broke. I learned that my husband just isn’t that into me. Because of my weight. It annoys him. Which…it’s a lame excuse on his part but it still cut SO deep.
So, after taking a poll about Lexapro yesterday on Facebook and getting great answers. And after being up half the night talking to my husband in my head…because I couldn’t talk to him after the hurt…
I made a decision.
I can’t do this on my own anymore.
I can’t.
It’s not working.
I’m not getting less unhappy, despite the beautiful sunshine and warm weather.
I called my doctor today.
I spilled my guts to her and admitted that, despite internal conflict and fear of the side effects, I need medication.
I’m done struggling.
I’m done trying to balance only to fall flat all the time.
I’m going on Zoloft, the anti-depressant she felt was right for me.
And with this tiny blue pill that I’ve put into my system, I am hopeful that I will be able to find my happy place again.
I am hopeful that I will be able to, no matter how many spitballs, I will, ONCE AGAIN, be able to dodge them.
Most importantly, I am hopeful that I will be me again.
Okay, this totally caught my eye from Facebook, because I’m struggling with the very same thing. Last summer I was exercising and super thin, and this summer all the weight’s crept back on and I can’t seem to get out from in front of the computer screen. I, too, went to the doctor insisting it was my thyroid. Nope. It’s fine. I’m not going to describe to you the ways in which I sometimes mope about my day or ignore the dishes that need to be done or laundry that needs washed. No one lives here but me, so I can get away with it. But somewhere along the line, I lost my energy. It’s gone. Completely. I know it’s stress and nerves. I even started smoking again! UGH. I have got to stop that. I drink pop when I never used to, and (literally) just scarfed down pizza and garlic bread after six days of eating nothing but salad and chicken and veggies and fruit — and watching not one single pound move from the scale. I bought a “mood” blend herbal supplement with St. John’s Wort, but wonder if I need something stronger. Will you please keep me posted on your progress? And I’m a praying kinda gal, so I’ll keep you in my prayers. My heart goes out to you, but I know there’s a solution somewhere. I’m looking for it too. ~Maria
There is nothing wrong with calling and getting help.
I have been on medication since I was 19 (36 now) but it took me many years to come to grips that I *needed* it. What I have is a disease. I’d take medicine if I had diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other malady that required it and people aren’t afraid to talk about.
In time, you will feel better and while life may not change per se, your ability to tackle the bits little- by- little will be easier to manage.
Huge hugs to you. My heart feels heavy for you because I KNOW what you are going through. Hang on, Sister. It will get better. I promise.
First of all, I will say I kinda understand your pain. For the last several years of my divorce I was about 20 lbs overweight. I was miserable in my marriage and felt hopeless about life. Like, “Really, this is it?” Then the divorce process started and I was on Cloud 9! I understand that is bad to say, but it’s true. I felt 100% in control of me and my life and I felt WONDERFUL! I lost the 20 pounds plus some because my mind was going a million miles a minute. I was dating and giddy. Then reality set in. The kids and I moved, they started at a new school and money issues arose. Then my daughter went downhill and fast regarding the divorce and her dad’s new relationships. Things were out of my control again and I turned into a shut in and gained weight. I only recently have begun to feel like I’m getting control again. Money is ok, not great but I am finding ways to supplement and it feels good. my kids are florishing and I am just feeling like I have a lot to look forward to, like maybe a little dating! Anyways, I babble all of this because I think weight gain and depression stems from how you truly see yourself where you are in life. Are you happy? Do you feel hopeful about things? DO you have things to look forward to? Do you feel as though you are contributing? Im all about taking the little blue pill but I want you to look at your life. Truthfully face the things that make you unhappy. You are such a great writer and an inspiration to many. Ive sort of lost my train of thought, but please know you are wonderful!
Barb´s last blog post ..A Trio of Pigs and a Giant Set of Balls
My heart is breaking for you, Melissa. Please do not beat yourself up over this. We all deal with stress in different ways. We’ve all made bad decisions or delayed good ones. I hope Zoloft helps you in whatever way you need it to help.
You’re friends are here for you – and we have wine!
Christina S.´s last blog post ..Kevin Cronin: A Family Guy?
I’m glad you made that call, Melissa. There is no shame is seeking refuge in that little pill. I have several friends who wouldn’t have made it through a lot of tough times without the help of anti-depressants and namely, Zoloft.
If it’s any consolation, I always feel like you glow when I see you. I think you are beautiful and have the amazing personality to match. Love yourself and the weight will shed and things will happen as they should! xox
Hey, I’m on it too, and it has changed my life. I didn’t know how depressed I was until I started Zoloft. I have a weight issue, too, but honestly I could really give a rat’s ass. I focus on eating healthy, walking, yoga and let it be — thanks to my little blue pills! Hang in there…help is on the way.
Emotional stress is terrible, believe me I know the worst kind. I went to therapy after two of my kids died in and accident. It helped me a lot, took a really long time (ya think?) it’s hard work but it’s effective.
If you find the right therapist for you, someone you click with, you can do stay on medication and do therapy if you choose, most people will do both.
Jen´s last blog post ..loyalty
I miss my little blue pill sometimes. But — it made me gain weight — so we parted ways. I want a happy pill that offers weight loss. All the best to you. I hope you find peace and happiness again in your life.
MomZombie´s last blog post ..Travel journal: expectations<br /> and the unexpected, Part II
I am madly in love with my zoloft. It gave me my LIFE back. I’m so thankful that I finally got on meds. It’s been two years and I never want to go back to that bad place.
Molly´s last blog post ..Tough Week
Missy, I know we have not seen eachother in years but I have to say I love you and your complete honesty on your blog! I have had years like the one you are going through. Hang in there. There is no shame in asking for help!Anytime you want to get together and vent, call, email, text:) Take care of yourself if you feel good many other things will fall to the way side! Just know you have friends who totally understand.
I’m glad you finally asked for help. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a realization you can’t do it all on your own, that’s a sign of courage.
Tara R.´s last blog post ..Rainy days and Mondays
Asking for help truly is the first step on the road to recovery, whether it be depression or any other condition that controls your life. I am proud of you for taking the giant step of talking to your doctor.
mamikaze´s last blog post ..wild ride begins now
I hope you find your happy place. But please don’t forget that you are amazing – whether or not you’re at your ideal weight. It doesn’t change who you are inside.
I heart you. xoxo
Nikki Stephan´s last blog post ..The Crazy Busy Phenomenon & How it Relates to Success
Zoloft brought me back to life. Your body will continue to erode itself unless you find a way to reduce stress. The pill doesn’t reduce the stress but it helps you body cope with it better, chemically. When I started, I asked my doctor how we will know when I’ve reached the right dosage. He said I’d know when I felt like myself again. Give it 30 days or so to assess. And remember that not all medications work in the same way. I hope this works for you. I once saw a quote in a Zoloft e-newsletter and it’s stuck with me ever since. It’s a Buddhist saying:
“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”
Fadra´s last blog post ..The Ultimate Fashion Accessory: My Uncommon iPhone Case
I thought of several humorous things to say (and one or two off color, as well), but i decided to play this straight, instead. You are one of the nicest, brightest, most talented and attractive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. (This is where I would make the off color and suggestive remark – but like I said …) Please, please, please. Learn to see in you what I see in you. You are amazing. You are everything that many, many women would LOVE to be. Learn to be gentle with yourself. You are priceless.
lceel´s last blog post ..Looking for the slow boat to ….. wherever.
It’s clear that you are so, so loved (the comment above mine almost made me cry!). Find some way to absorb what so many feel about you and feel it about yourself. You deserve that! And I wish you much success with your little blue pill. Let us know how it goes! I’d love to cheer you on. 🙂
Stacey Nerdin @ Tree, Root, and Twig´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday: A Special Houseguest
I have never read your blog before, came over from someone’s RT on twitter. I SO get what you are feeling. Reading about how the stress has gotten to you, I have been there. I was there last year and I finally came to a breaking point. I am glad you made the decision to take care of you. Please think about doing some other things to take care of you as well. While the little blue pill will help (or another, sometimes it takes time to find the right one and dosage) there are things you can do like learning to breathe deeply, to relax your muscles, to exercise if for no other reason to burn off the excess adrenaline and stress.
I actually wrote a somewhat humorous, yet true post, of the effects of stress on the brain. It just posted today.
Hugs to you!
Bernice
Living the Balanced Life´s last blog post ..I have a swiss cheese brain
First of all — how awesome are you putting all of this out there?! I was on a similar cycle for years… but I had a very difficult time coming to terms with it. Even after giving up red meat, soda, and dropping the empty calories, I still couldn’t let go of the weight. Then, last year, I got a blessing in disguise: mono. Life sucked… however, the mono not only helped me kick-start a weight loss, but it helped put things into perspective. The biggest lesson I learned? Embrace the moment, my friend. Focus on what you can do TODAY. If that involves taking a pill to get you through, then so be it. Soaking in all of the positive things happening around you instead of the negative makes a HUGE difference. Between the mono & the change in attitude, I lost 50 lbs in 9 months… and I’ve kept it off. Wishing you the best on this new journey. You CAN do this. You can.
Kelli MW´s last blog post ..I’m not the Favorite Parent… and that’s ok.
My endocrinologist (Well, the one time I saw him. I left when he told me I was fat because I had just gotten married) said the same thing and while it helped (after four different medications), it wasn’t my cure. Good for you for taking matters into your own hand – it takes time, even with medication, so don’t get discouraged!
What a beautifully honest post. I too struggle with my weight and my thyroid. And being a graduate of this “This Too Shall Pass” school has never done me right. I’m glad you’re accepting your limitations and working towards an easier and healthier tomorrow. It isn’t easy. But I can see from the comments here and the comments in our SMM group that you are loved and admired. This shall pass soon enough but it will take a little help. And you’ve got a ton of support around you.
I am sending you more love than you’ll ever know. I SO completely get this…and when I see you next week I’m going to hug your neck and create a little happy place for you!!!
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog post ..The Road to Hell
I took Zoloft after Bud was born. It worked wonders. I don’t think there is anything weak or wrong about reaching out for help when you need it. I think it actually makes you stronger.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Mom’s Survival Kit
Good for you for seeking help. My husband encouraged me to try antidepressants after a similar experience–not the weight, but the stress. My depression wasn’t manifesting as “sadness” but as anger. I was angry and frustrated all of the time. I thought “that’s not depression–it’s the opposite.”
I’m feeling much better now, after four years on meds, I was only able to self-regulate after adding daily exercise. As soon as I get stressed and put exercise on the back burner, I start sliding into the whole mess again.
Hang in there, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it!
A lifetime ago I insisted on having my thyroid levels checked. I was sure something had to be wrong with me. The doctor told me “well… you’re in the normal range”. No further instructions. No suggestions. No help.
I have an appointment Friday with a new doctor. I think I’ll be keeping you in mind while I try to get myself to be honest with her about how I am.
Colleen´s last blog post ..Grace in Small Things – 123
Melissa, I’m so terribly sorry for all your pain. I can completely relate to the panic attacks, twitching eyes and crying in the bathroom.
Many years ago I was on zoloft. It does a good job. Then I switched to a homeopath and it was even more awesomer (not a real word but it was!). This time around when I needed help I went back to my homeopath.
You deserve to feel OK. Yes, it will pass b/c things do with time. But our minds and emotions don’t always move at the same speed.
Do what is best for you, and then you’ll be able to do what is best for other.
I hope you’re feeling more like yourself again soon,
Sara
more than the help you are getting, i support your decision to get that help. thanks for letting us in to hear/see the coming changes, and i believe that you will truly be better for choosing to seek that help.
I hope this works for you! i have also been thinking I need to get some help – I don’t feel especially miserable, but I really never feel happy anymore, and I’ve lost interest in practically everything. when you are the “just deal with it” type of person, it is so hard to know when bad is bad enough to ask for help.
lonek8´s last blog post ..I’d Love To Meet You!