When I was younger, out of curiosity I would ask my mom what her age was when she lost her virginity. She would tell me, straight-faced, she was still a virgin.
I NEVER believed her. Know why? Because I may sometimes act like I’m the messiah but I know I’m not. We’re Jewish. And she’s no virgin.
Whenever I asked my parents what bad stuff they had done in their youth, they never EVER gave me a straight answer. I just assumed the worse, which in my parents day wasn’t that bad, because they avoided answering my questions at all cost.
With my kids, I am transparent. Well, mostly.
They know I’m not a virgin. I’m sure I don’t have them fooled about only having sex 3 times, once for each child I’ve given birth to. They just need to know that I’m no longer able to be used as a human sacrifice. Period. They don’t need to know what age this happened.
They know I drink, fairly regularly, a glass of wine in the evening.
They also know that I used to smoke cigarettes.
They know nothing of anything else, especially from my high school days.
Today, after I picked my oldest up from summer school (another post, another time), we were chatting in the car. He mentioned that some of the kids, for “some strange reason” were discussing getting high. Not that any of them have ever done it. Yet. They were just talking about it innocently.
My son and I began talking about pot.
He asked me if I had ever done it. Smoked it, inhaled it, held it in my lungs and GOTTEN HIGH.
Being the SOMEWHAT transparent and borderline honest parent that I am, I answered that, yes…I had indeed “done pot”. I admitted, to my 15 year old son that I had GOTTEN HIGH before.
He looked at me and shook his head in shame. I mumbled, in my defense, that I hated it, it was gross and I hated how it made me feel. And besides, I mentioned, I hadn’t touched the stuff since I was 23 years old.
His jaw hung open and he blinked wide-eyed at me a couple times before he said he wasn’t planning on ever trying the stuff. He also said that if he ever tried he, he’d probably admit it to me.
Yeah, just like I admitted it to my parents. Years later. Around the same time and using the same wordage as Clinton, who I admittedly still have a little crush on. Shush.
My son then wanted to know if I’ve ever tried any other drug. Which…I have not. Except maybe hash, which is from marijuana anyways. And that was when I was at camp so it doesn’t count.
Then we talked about drugs a little more. I made it very clear that they are gross and only losers take them, no offense to anyone of my blog friends who do drugs, I still love you even if I don’t agree with your gross and vomitatious habit. But yeah…I drink wine on occasion so…whatevs.
I started thinking…wondering…if I should have even remotely admitted to smoking pot. Will it make him more curious and want to experiment with the stuff, even though, at this juncture in his life, he has no interest…because he knows that I had done it more than a few times?
How honest should you be with your teenager? How much of your experimentation (alleging you experimented) do you share with your kid without worrying that your kid will lose respect for you or use it as an excuse to do some of his/her own experimenting?
Please, share your opinions or experience in the comment section because I could use some advice!!
THANK YOU!
I think about this all the time. I do think there’s something to be said about (light) honesty. My parents didn’t reveal anything to me either, and in turn I was terrified of telling them out of fear they would never, ever be able to understand or relate. While I don’t yet know where I will draw the line on sharing, I do want my kids to hear my experiences first hand rather than believe rumors about stuff, and for them to feel comfortable asking and sharing.
Tough subject though. I think the lines of honesty will vary with each subject, but I will first aim for the truth.
Ginger´s last blog post ..You take the good, you take the bad.
My parents, especially my Dad, was very open. He talked about the acid, speed, pot, mushrooms and how he used to buy alcohol for everyone in high school. I lived vicariously through him. He was 20 in 1968.
I think it was his way of discouraging us from doing the same. He talked how speed made him ravenously hungry etc. I had some children’s records I listen to as a kid that they bought to listen to while high on acid.
Jen´s last blog post ..Support Wednesdays: Back to the Future
It’s your call, really. You know your kids better than anybody else does – you know how they’ll react better than anybody else does. It’s up to you.
My kids know me and my rather exotic (at times) sense of humor. When asked, I told them about the time I tried pot and how I was shotgunning and every muscle in my body decided to take the rest of the day off – including the sphincter muscle that keeps your poop from falling out of your body unlooked for and so I spent three hours in the john at this GREAT party and missed all the fun. I also told them I used to be a junkie that took heroin with a turkey baster. And I once spent three days in a Paiute sweat lodge high on peyote.
Other than that, drugs are not in my experience.
lceel´s last blog post ..100 Word Challenge – Forward
This is such an important convo to have with your kids! I’m so glad that you’re sharing it now so I can start thinking and planning for when my kids ask. I think that {in theory} age appropriate honesty is the best policy.
I think of not exaggerating things {consequences, what ifs, etc} because once they find out that those are lies, they’ll dis-regaurd everything I’d said as dishonest or protective or whatever.
But beyond that? I know nothing!
Great post friend!
XO
Galit Breen´s last blog post ..Betwixt & Between- The Second Draft
I think it really depends on the kid on how much you share and at what age. Not every child/teenager is the same and some may learn from what their parents tell them about these things and some won’t learn until they do it themselves.
I remember when I was just out of high school and my younger brother got caught smoking. This is something they never had to deal with with me because I have asthma, I’m lucky to get air into my lungs, no room for anything else thank you. My stepfather went and bought a new pack of cigs and made my brother smoke one right after the other until he vomited. I think at the time they thought it would teach him a lesson, I think it did….to hide his habit better since he’s 28 now and smokes.
Missy,
We were always very honest with Alex and he responded the same way to us. I remember when he got in trouble in college using some non-medicinal drugs, instead of hiding it from us, he called us right away.
I am trying to be the same with Max, but he is a totally different child, so I agree with Kym, it depends on the kid.
Rada´s last blog post ..Moms birthdays, their zodiac signs and everything else in between….
We are honest with our kids, now 18 and 14, and we always have been. Age appropriate honesty works for my family. For other families, not so much. Personally, I think having an open and honest convo with your son when he brought it up is a good thing. I think he’ll think about what you said, what your experience was, and make an informed choice about trying it or not. Besides, one lie turns into a million lies, doesn’t it?
Aunt Crazy´s last blog post ..Proud Mommy Moments
I’m a vote for age appropriate honesty. I want my kids to trust me and the best way to break that trust is to lie to them. Because they ARE going to find out at some point. My mom was always honest with me whenever I asked a question, and I thought it was great. It also made her one of the “cooler” moms.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Share Your Awesome, Updated
This is a tough one, but I think you did the right thin in being honest. I know my wife sometimes cringes at the things I say to my kids, but I believe honesty is the best. It’s just difficult at times to tell the truth in age appropriate terms.
PJ Lincoln´s last blog post ..Konrath hits a home run
I’d also like to echo what Jennifer said. My kids, especially my oldest, has a really good BS detector. So, keep telling the truth!
PJ Lincoln´s last blog post ..Mackinac Island still world’s most special place
LIE! LIE! LIE!
This will be a challenge for me because I totally suck at it. However, if in a life or death situation, I think I can pull it off like the best of them.
I was a wild child. Seriously. I started drinking in the 9th grade. I dabbled with pot in like the 7th! I’ve done hash, acid, ecstasy… Oh, and SEX! Lots of it! I’m not sure why I’m still alive! I should be a walking, talking STD with a heroine addiction! Well, um…that might be a slight exaggeration.
One thing is for sure, though. I plan to create this elaborate life of purity and innocence to be unveiled to my children when the time comes. I better start working on it now so I can keep my stories straight.
I’m honest with my kids (they are 12 & 7), but I keep it age appropriate. They’ve never asked yet. The oldest knows that my brother was a meth addict for three years and that he is lucky to be alive. The oldest also knows what all drugs look like (pictures from online), what they can do to you and what the side effects are of them all. Like I said, we’re honest. I want my kids to make good choices, and I truly believe that means educating them myself rather than having them hear false info from friends. I mean, I was the girl who thought a man put his penis in the woman’s vagina so that he could make her vagina big enough for a baby to come out!
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog post ..Stay Tuned For the Video of My Papa, Singing with a Fish.
It really depends on the situation. If you have a very smart child and you think they quite know what’s happening in the world,then you have to be honest. But after you admit something gross stuff you’ve done on your youth, follow it up with some negative comments that can convince your child not not to do even a try. It’s a matter of balance parenting and pure honesty. Thank you for sharing this post.
I think that you were spot on in your conversation with your son and your response. I think well place age appropriate disclosure to show our children that we’ve made mistakes is a great way to teach important life lessons by example. As parents it bonds us to them in ways that opens channels of communication. I doubt sincerely you need to worry about your son however. He seems to have a free and easy relationship with you or he never would have brought it up in the first place.
Jen´s last blog post ..i came face to face with a suicidal person
You know when you said to much when their face turns red,they start to looking around and finally run away into woods…
Seriously though we all know what to say more or less…
Not all kids are the same, and some will rather don’t know what where our sexual adventures in college…
But that all personal and as i said it depends on our relationship with any member of the family.
Luke´s last blog post ..What degree should i get
This is such tough stuff to have to discuss. With my oldest I have not had to discuss any of it because she has autism (a new benefit!) but with my younger kids I hope to be honest and make sure they feel comfortable talking to me. My mom was always in denial that we did anything wrong and I wasn’t comfortable going to her. I think that if we don’t lose site on what we did at their age it makes us much more realistic, prepared parents.
Not sure that answers your question but I’ve babbled on for long enough :). Lots to think about.
Jessica´s last blog post ..The Perfect Gift
haha, camp…!!!!