An ongoing theme in my life is control. Or should I say lack thereof? I can’t even rally the dust bunnies to come out of hiding so that I can rid my home of those dang nasty allergens. Or are dust bunnies a hypo allergenic type of pet?
Things that I *should* be able to grab by the reigns and pull in tight, I simply can’t. No will power, no focus, no nuthin’. Maybe a bit of drive and determination but those are a little off balance at the moment.
I do a lot of staring lately. With my laptop on the table, I stare past the blinking cursor flashing on yet another “add new post” page of my terribly neglected blog, out past the kitchen window, through the trees that block my voyeuring into neighbor homes, out into nothing. Really, I stare until I see nothing.
I just stare.
It astounds me how long I can keep a gaze without blinking. I dare anyone to have a stare down with me, I’ve been practicing, I’m a pro. But, I can’t even control the blink when it finally forces itself upon me.
Sure, I know it’s a sign ‘o’ the times.
I completely understand that there are people out there with life circumstances far worse than anything I’m having to deal with. And trust me, my heart goes out to those who are dealing with WAY worse. I’m not completely insensitive to the world around me. But when you are in the throes of your own seemingly monumental life circumstances and they have an effect of every single part of your life, then it’s your own situation that seems the worst possible case scenario. Because it’s your own. The one you are living. Your own reality tv dramamentary.
I can’t even say that there is anything directly terrible. Just nothing is the way it should, could…I WANT…it to be. Kids, finances, house, body, life, career,sick parents…
Which is why I’ve been silent here. Well, not exactly silent. You should see my draft folder. It has more unfinished, barely started, barely finished posts than ever before. Really, I almost feel like I’ve had more to say lately than ever before yet, due to certain circumstances and people, I’m not at liberty to discuss more personal matters here on my blog.
I can’t even get a grasp on the words I want to use and the way I want what I say to sound.
No, I’m not depressed. It’s more like overwhelmed, worried, frustrated and losing that tiny little drop of faith that I had.
Yeah, I know it could be worse.
But, I also know I really, really wish it were better and I’m at a complete loss as to how to get it that way.