After I drop my youngest guy off at his elementary, I find that in the time it takes to drive home is when I have some of my deepest thoughts. If you can even bother calling thoughts that I have…deep. There’s something about early-ish mornings, rush hour traffic and lack of caffeine that make for dangerous thinking conditions.
I’ve been wondering a lot lately about the why factor. Well, that’s what I’m calling it, for now.
See, life has never been easy. Sure, there are some great things that come out of it-fun times, beautiful children, nice husband and those are all fabulous and I’m very grateful. But the struggles sometimes detract from the positives, no matter how hard I try not to let them.
We live our worker ant lives, some of us barely making it. There are wars, natural disasters, unnatural disasters sometimes literally exploding all around us. Homelessness, for my lifetime, is at an all time high and growing higher by the moment. Displaced has become a common word associated with almost everything to do with life.
In our youth, it was fun. Carefree.
Then we GROW UP. We become like our parents-married with children. We hope that the future really is golden.
But, based on observing those I know who are supposedly in the midst of their “golden years”, our youth was really more golden. Because, the older we get, the gold looks like it becomes more tarnished.
Yes, we have learning experiences, because isn’t life just one big one? Yes, we have moments and memories, they are supposed to last a lifetime. Yes, we live, laugh and love, which makes those memories and aids in the learning experiences.
These learning experiences? What are they for? What do we do with them because it seems that once we are done accumulating them, that means we’re dead.
AND THEN WHAT?
I keep thinking that if I wasn’t agnostic, if I didn’t constantly question, the answer would be more obvious or satisfying.
But, I do question. I do doubt. I do wonder.
No one seems to have definitive answers.
I need definitive, which I suppose it why I’m agnostic to begin with.
I try to open my heart and mind in order to believe. I can’t. It’s too difficult without proof.
I try to just accept the fact that this is how it is, life is life.
Yet, like a song stuck in my head, those questions and thoughts keeps ricocheting around.
Why? Why am I questioning the whole freaking meaning of life? Like, obsessively. I thought I was supposed to do this when I was younger and then get over it.
Meanwhile, I’m watching the deterioration of some people I love as well as the world I love.
I consider the mess of a legacy we are leaving to our children.
I think about growing old and infirm.
I am amazed by how quickly time gets away from us.
And I worry that I will never accomplish anything between now and death. Yes, I know children are an accomplishment but that’s not what I mean.
I’m having a really hard time dealing with it, I guess.
It just keeps leading me back to the same question…
WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?
And the part about it that bugs me most is…
I wonder if there is even an answer.