There is a Babble article floating around the internet where an admittedly not perfect mother admits to a greater love for her younger son than her 3 1/2 year old daughter. She goes on to make excuses in her post and subsequently, a follow up post with more excuses. But…it’s out there, footprints made. Someday her daughter may find this post and if she didn’t know and sense already, she surely will now.
It got me to thinking, though. So, maybe it was a good article then?
There is no such thing as a perfect mom, we know this. We all make mistakes that are sure to send our children sobbing into kleenex while laying on couches.
I suck as a mom. I do. I don’t follow through on punishments, I let them talk to me disrespectfully sometimes, I don’t make them do chores.
I am the worst mother possible.
The only perfect mothering I can admit to is how much love I feel for my children.
All of them. In no particular order. From conception.
Sure, I bonded with each one differently when they were born.
My first born was easy, he was the only one then. Despite a painful c-section and split open nipples, the thought of putting him down or handing him off gave me worse pains than the hole in my stomach that wouldn’t heal. It was the first time I had ever seen my heart.
My daughter, my princess. My little girl. The guilt I felt at having another child because how could I possibly love someone the way I loved my first one. But she was yummy and beautiful and mommy’s little girl from the get go. I still can’t stop staring at her without tears coming to my eyes.
And then, my baby. My youngest. Born from a second marriage. The third child that I always wanted but never thought I’d ever be lucky enough to have. Talk about guilt. I was so worried about how having another child would affect my older two that for the first few months of pregnancy I cried nightly when everyone was sleeping. But he arrived, swollen face and a head full of red hair. He looked like a troll but he was perfect and I didn’t put him down the entire hospital stay.
To say that I love one more than the other? Impossible. I love each one to maximum capacity. My heart swells and breaks for them, from them. They each come jam packed with different dramas, both comedy and tragedy. Not one of my children is my favorite though. They all are.
I don’t always particularly like them though. On any given day, in any random order. Somedays, I don’t like a single one in the least bit.
In fact, there are days when I outright despise them and want to slap their whiny faces. But my heart lurches and swells and reminds me that these people are my life.
Then I go back to being pissed at them. For the moment.
I think about the movie Sophie’s Choice. The most poignant, horrendous and memorable point in the movie was when she had to chose which child to be separated from. A mother’s true nightmare.
My heart began to beat when my children were born. Each birth, despite different circumstances and unique bonding, made the beats that much stronger.
So, when I read that post which the mother describes how her love for her son was stronger, and despite her follow up trying to make excuses for it…
I have to say, without being a martyr or sanctimonious…
I don’t get it. Her words, despite being written and not spoken were like the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons. I don’t understand.
Most of all, I don’t understand how someone could put that out there into the internetosphere where it floats around forever, to someday be discovered by and devastate that little girl. That’s not being lousy really, just selfish.
Makes me think that sometimes we trade TMI for comments.
sure hope the daughter of the “parental unit” doesn’t EVER find that article. i have two… almost 10 years apart. the oldest is 19. the youngest is a month away from his 10th birthday. I LOVE THEM BOTH EQUALLY – DIFFERENTLY, YES. but just the same. and i’m right there with you.
….as imperfect as hell. but loving my two guys perfectly!
Too true, it was truly such a sad commentary from a mother. It made my heartache reading it. I hope that there can truly come something good out of this.
Teresa´s last blog post ..Mom and Daughter Confession- We Think We Heart Our Blackberry More
Tara R. says
I love my two equally, but differently. I probably coddle my youngest more because I know he needs protecting more than his sister. She is independent and self-assured, but I would drop every thing to go to her if she needed me, even when she doesn’t ask.
Even if I remotely felt that I cared more for one over the other, I would never admit it, and would especially not publish my confession for all the world to see. I haven’t read the article, so I’m not judging the author, but it doesn’t sound like she thought this through to the potential consequences.
Tara R.´s last blog post ..Morning people suck
I agree with you completely. Someone once told me that I may relate more to one of my kids, but also that feeling would change between my kids based on different times in their lives. I have found that to be true, but that doesn’t mean my love is any less for the other.
Ginger´s last blog post ..High-speed chase- anyone My ride-along with the San Diego Police
Karen the Microblogologist says
My sisters and I sometimes harass our mother by claiming to be her favorite or the most loved, drives her nuts every time since it isn’t true and she is incredibly gullible! So sad that the little girl doesn’t have a mother she can play that game with, I hope her father is in her life and able to fill some of the void if she ever finds out about her mother’s obvious emotional and mental deficiencies.
Karen the Microblogologist´s last blog post ..Happy Birthday Claire
I do’t get it, either.
I love all of my boys, equally. There are times when one will make it easier for me to like him than his brothers. And I know I don’t treat them the same. I do sometimes let my middle son get away with things I’d never let his brothers get away with, b/c I know that he doesn’t understand. But, LOVE? I love them all, fiercely. I could not imagine being separated from any of them.
And can you imagine that girl, later finding that post? Oh, the therapy costs!
I read it. I think maybe her meaning didn’t come across they way she intended. One reason for that is because it is so hard to understand. I’m like you. I love my kids equally. Different, but the same. Sometimes I don’t like them very much and would like to ship them off to live with my mother, but I love both of them so much sometimes it hurts to breathe.
BUT, I think in her situation with the PPD and the problems she experienced with her first pregnancy I can kind of see where she’s coming from. I don’t think the “love gap” is a huge amount. Maybe it is just a smidge, and I think she truly feels bad about it and doesn’t want it to be that way and maybe that post was a way for her to reach out for some help.
That said (or written), I wouldn’t have done it. Not publicly like that. Because what if? What if some how her daughter finds out she wrote it years from now? How devastating. I think all kinds of forums exist to ask for help, and that she did not use the right one.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Gravatar
Where do I find this article? I guess I need to google it.
I don’t know if I can say that I love one more than another. Some days, perhaps I favor one over the other only because the other is being a total brat! My bond with each is very, VERY different from that shared with the other. Either way, how could she do that to her daughter? Lord, I hope she deletes it before her daughter is able to read.
Curious Parent says
I do have one question for you…how are your children going to feel when one day they read your blog postings about them?
PJ Lincoln says
First of all, stop beating yourself up … there is no such thing as a perfect parent and, really, all of us are guilty of inconsistency, etc. Being a parent is a lot like being in the Peace Corp, the whole toughest job you’ll ever love.
Also, let’s not make the mistake of treating love and shared interests as one in the same. My oldest son is into sports as I have always been while my younger son isn’t. Do I love son no. 2 less? Hell no. But I do have more common interests with son No. 1. To tell you the truth, I sometimes I think I overcompensate in favor of No. 2 because I am aware of this.
Anyway, I’m sure aren’t half-bad as a mother … you wouldn’t have written this post if you didn’t care.
PJ Lincoln´s last blog post ..Second Crusader Challenge- Flash Fiction
What a beautifully written post. Makes me love you all the more. Sometimes I worry that my older son thinks I love my younger son more. My younger son needs me more. Sort of. So I try to go out of my way, every single day and cuddle, snuggle, tickle and hug my older one, to just nab a quick minute of special time. So he can feel my love even if it’s brief. Sophies Choice kills me. Everytime.
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