I don’t know where to start. I’m so overwhelmed and emotionally burnt out. I’m not going to write a post and try to make it sound artsy poetic.
My heart is breaking.
Things are out of control. My son, my oldest baby, is unreachable. His ears and mind are closed. He is a prisoner confined in a prison of his own making, one which he has slowly built since birth and has almost reached completion.
His grades are shitty, as they’ve always been, but he blames that on his teachers and us.
He is definitely in the beginnings of an eating disorder and, of course, he blames that on us too. But even he is scared due to how much weight he has lost and how out of control he has become with wanting to lose weight. He claims his reflection frightens him.
He won’t take any responsibility nor will he meet us half way, he’s too clouded by his finger pointing convictions. He argues that why should he change his behavior if no one else is going to change theirs.
His stubborn nature is a fault because it hasn’t helped him get ahead in any way. In fact, it’s been the cause of so many roadblocks, too many to name.
He is depressed yet refuses to grab onto the hands that are reaching to pull him up.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know who to talk to beyond the pediatrician and the psychologist.
I’m so scared I’m going to lose him in so many ways.
We took all of his electronics and put them away. He will be able to get them back when his grades go up.
He isn’t going to be allowed any social time either.
That is just to jar him into getting good grades. It’s not going to work, especially because I know it goes way deeper than just being, what my husband claims, is plain lazy.
A kid doesn’t become anorexic in an admitted attempt to slowly kill himself with starvation, get really crappy grades and walks around mopey out of laziness.
It’s something so much deeper.
But, it always has been.
My son was the one throwing a fit in the parking lot only to begin running toward the main road in an unrealized attempt at killing himself.
My son was the one running down the halls of school because he didn’t want to be there.
My son was the one that, when he was born, women would say “Oh, you’re so lucky. Boys are so much easier than girls.” And I would smirk because, from birth, there was nothing easy about him.
The only thing easy was how much I loved him. Always. From conception. With every molecule, I love that child. When I gave birth to him, it was the first time I ever felt my heart beat.
I’ve never known love in the way we love our children until I had my own. I also never have known true heartbreak, angst, anxiety, drama and JOY until their birth.
I’m learning now what it’s like to feel completely helpless even though I’m standing right there beside him, trying to take control even though he won’t let me.
I’m trying to remain clear headed so I can navigate us through this chaotic time.
I have tried to find my big girl panties so that I can wear them but all I really want to do is climb into my cotton Dora undies and curl up in fetal with him as my blanky.