I don’t know where to start. I’m so overwhelmed and emotionally burnt out. I’m not going to write a post and try to make it sound artsy poetic.
I can’t.
My heart is breaking.
Things are out of control. My son, my oldest baby, is unreachable. His ears and mind are closed. He is a prisoner confined in a prison of his own making, one which he has slowly built since birth and has almost reached completion.
His grades are shitty, as they’ve always been, but he blames that on his teachers and us.
He is definitely in the beginnings of an eating disorder and, of course, he blames that on us too. But even he is scared due to how much weight he has lost and how out of control he has become with wanting to lose weight. He claims his reflection frightens him.
He won’t take any responsibility nor will he meet us half way, he’s too clouded by his finger pointing convictions. He argues that why should he change his behavior if no one else is going to change theirs.
His stubborn nature is a fault because it hasn’t helped him get ahead in any way. In fact, it’s been the cause of so many roadblocks, too many to name.
He is depressed yet refuses to grab onto the hands that are reaching to pull him up.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know who to talk to beyond the pediatrician and the psychologist.
I’m so scared I’m going to lose him in so many ways.
We took all of his electronics and put them away. He will be able to get them back when his grades go up.
He isn’t going to be allowed any social time either.
That is just to jar him into getting good grades. It’s not going to work, especially because I know it goes way deeper than just being, what my husband claims, is plain lazy.
A kid doesn’t become anorexic in an admitted attempt to slowly kill himself with starvation, get really crappy grades and walks around mopey out of laziness.
It’s something so much deeper.
But, it always has been.
My son was the one throwing a fit in the parking lot only to begin running toward the main road in an unrealized attempt at killing himself.
My son was the one running down the halls of school because he didn’t want to be there.
My son was the one that, when he was born, women would say “Oh, you’re so lucky. Boys are so much easier than girls.” And I would smirk because, from birth, there was nothing easy about him.
The only thing easy was how much I loved him. Always. From conception. With every molecule, I love that child. When I gave birth to him, it was the first time I ever felt my heart beat.
I’ve never known love in the way we love our children until I had my own. I also never have known true heartbreak, angst, anxiety, drama and JOY until their birth.
I’m learning now what it’s like to feel completely helpless even though I’m standing right there beside him, trying to take control even though he won’t let me.
I’m trying to remain clear headed so I can navigate us through this chaotic time.
I have tried to find my big girl panties so that I can wear them but all I really want to do is climb into my cotton Dora undies and curl up in fetal with him as my blanky.
Oh honey, big giant mega hugs. I don’t have much advice but I am certainly here to listen. What about therapeutic day school? If you want to email me I can give you more background on what I know about this sort of stuff but it’s not the sort of stuff I want to leave in a comment here.
It sounds like you may have to just focus on his control issues and his depression and get him back on track before you can address the academics. How old is he? What does the psych say? Is he currently on meds?
Cyber hugs from across town.
I have a couple of suggestions:
I would recommend that you find a therapist trained in family systems theory and take the whole bunch for family therapy. If he’s right about not wanting to change b/c no one else will change, a family therapist can identify and promote change that doesn’t begin with him, but may impact him in a very positive way.
And if you’ve not read “Lost at School” by Ross Greene PhD (lostatschool dot org or livesinthebalance web site), I highly recommend it. Greene’s ALSUP (assessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems) may also be helpful in identifying areas that may be holding him back from reaching his potential (and being happy).
One more: Kirsten Haglund, former Miss Michigan from Oakland County and Miss America 2008, I think) has a foundation aimed at helping kids w/ eating disorders. It’s on facebook.
Last one. I have heard commercials on the radio for a treatment place for individuals w/ eating disorders. There are probably a lot of them. Here’s the one I’ve heard on the radio, for starters: http://www.remudaranch.com/
Praying for wisdom for you, for peace for your precious child.
I have no advice. None. All I can do is offer a listening ear and a willing shoulder and lots of prayers.
Gigi´s last blog post ..The Project is complete – and nobody cried
I have no words. I cannot imagine. But I will be praying for you and your son. I’m so sorry that you have this on your shoulders. HUGS!
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Oh gosh, I am so frightened for you, I can only imagine what that must feel like. Have you and the doctors thought about committing him for a period of time, so that he gets help 24 hours a day?
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog post ..Out of the Mouth of Babes Part 14 – The Baby Sis Edition
Like Gigi I don’t have any words, just want to remind you that you are not alone. You are so brave to write this(and you wrote beautifully) I will be thinking about you and your family and praying for you all.
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I am so sorry. I watched a family member waste away with an eating disorder until she ended up in ICU on dialysis and a breathing tube. Thankfully, she did miraculously recover, and now is free from it, but it was so hard to stand by helplessly. I can’t imagine having that experience with my own child.
I was going to say what Lisa said about committing him to a hospital for a while. I really hope you can find someone with some answers to help you. HUGS
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I haven’t left a reply in a long time…but I do read almost all of your posts and right now my heart is breaking for you. We have moved from upsate NY…so you now see me as a visitor from florida!!!
If your remember, we went thru quite a bit with our oldest…..if I can offer you some hope, with a lot of love (which you have in abundance for your kids), and many other “interventions” our son has come out on the other side so to speak.
You and yours are in my thoughts.
Joanie
I’m new to your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your struggle with your son. I have never opened up on my blog about any of this, but my MIL suffers from BiPolar disorder. It is devastating to have a son or a mother (or other family) with mental disorders. You love them so much, but it is debilitating to stand on the sidelines and watch. I pray that you can find the source of the problem and can start treating it. You are right that this is not just ‘laziness’. As a person who suffered extreme depression from 13-16 years…it’s not something that you want, but you don’t know how to change. It’s not pleasant on the inside, and it feels hopeless and never ending. Just remember that academics can’t improve until they can find and treat the cause of the problem.
My heart and my prayers are with you!
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You MUST go meet this girl. She has so much to offer you. You are not alone.
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/
I wish I could hug you and make it all better. I really do. From your very honest words I can tell you have done everything you humanly can. Just keep being there for him. I know you love him and you’ll never give up hope that something will change. Sending positive thoughts to you. {hugs}
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So sorry. We are having issues with my daughter lately as well. I hope you are able to find the help he needs and the support you need to be there for him.
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Oh, Melissa, this is so heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry you’re going through such a rough time with your son. It must be so hard as you, as him mom. I don’t know what words of advice to give you… have you talked to him about maybe seeing one, getting some help? I don’t know what I would do. I’m not good at being firm with my boys, or saying no to them, because I’m too weak and too scared… it’s so tough, being a mom sometimes. Hugs to you… and good luck. I do hope he pulls out of this and that you two are able to have a great relationship soon.
This makes me wish I was really smart and had great advice. I’m so sorry for what y’all are both going through.
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I have no words. Except go with your instincts. You know your child better than anyone else. Thinking of you.
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I wish I had some sort of advice that would turn everything around for you. I’ll keep you and your son in my thoughts until it all gets better.
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Oh Melissa. My heart breaks for you. I wish I had the words to tell you how to make it better, but all I can do is echo those encouraging you to get him and your entire family into therapy. I know it’s nearly impossible to fix someone who has no interest in being “fixed,” but you have to try. Maybe that professional can find the key to his motivation.
All I know is I would have never survived my teen years without my therapist. It took a lot of work from all of us, but we got through.
Sending hugs.
I’m so sorry Melissa. Sending you lots of hugs. Wish I had something more to offer in the way of advice. But all I can say is that I’m thinking of you.
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog post ..Meet Me at the Aussie Bloggers Conference
I haven’t dealt with a food disorder with my boys – but I know where you are and I know how you feel. Last year, one son that I must admit has challenged all that is within me imploded and exploded – all over us, all over him and all over people who were there to support him. This year is better – but it is still so difficult. The loving so much and the rejection of that love – or maybe the denial of that love. It makes me feel like a failure – and in a way, it really sets off that fight or flight syndrome within us – but we’re moms. We fight.
The only thing that sustained me was prayer and faith in that prayer. I also think that our culture so emasculates our sons – they can’t get jobs to earn their money to have some control over their every day life, giving them the opportunity to practice being men. When my son got a job, he became less angry at us because instead of us controlling the purse strings, he was able to control them.
Another son doesn’t want to do his homework. He loves to work but not at school. He really doesn’t want to be there. We took away his media and socialization until his grades go up. I made an appointment with the counselor and e-mailed all his teachers. We are using what I call a 3-D Approach. The counselor meets with him weekly (I remind her via e-mail). I have emailed all his teachers explaining the problem. They let me know what is due the following week. Right now, on Monday, he meets after school with his Latin teacher to complete work or make up work. On T/TH mornings at 7 a.m., he will be working for an hour with his English teacher. Wednesdays, he is meeting with his Science teacher to complete or make-up work. Thursday afternoons are with Math. We have to work another class in – but that’s what we have going right now. The teachers have responded that he is more engaged, getting work done. Of course, we are only on day 3. I don’t know if this helps – but we’re trying it. Our son just doesn’t understand why he needs an education (I have a Masters in Eng., the hubs a Physics and Engineering Degree and a MBA). Again, I think a lot of the problem has to do with delayed reponsibility due to inability to teens to get jobs and be responsible.
You might enjoy my post on a 3-step-Method. I’m not sure of it’s success – but maybe it will make you feel not alone:)
Solidarity! I’m right here with you walking the struggle,too!
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/hey-mom-school-work-is-really-not-important/
God! I really wish I knew what to say. Or how to help. It sounds serious, though. I hope you can find the right help for him. I can only imagine how you feel. I <3 my son so much that it makes my heart hurt some times.
I felt my heart racing as I read this post, Melissa. I have a teenager at home, too. Even good days can be highly stressful with a teenager in the house. I don’t have any sage advice but luckily many of your readers do. Hugs, prayers, and well wishes that your family finds peace and answers.
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Melissa – I’m really, really sorry about this. I don’t know what to say other than that. I hope you and your family find a way to figure this all out. I hope the finger pointing stops and he comes to the realization you are there to help him, not hurt him. I send you hugs!