I don’t generally do resolutions. I just think that making a list of various things I’d like to do or not do…does nothing except to set me up for failure.
I’ve never, ever followed through for longer than a week or so, so it just seems sort of pointless.
I used to, once upon a time, back in the day, make long lists scribbled into little notepads. The typical stuff with a high rate of follow through. Things like quitting smoking, be nicer to my sister, get a boyfriend, read more books.
No deep thinking required. No major actions necessary.
So, I just gave up on the thought of resolutions, citing them as silly and a waste of time.
These last few days, however, I find myself thinking about what it is EXACTLY that I want to achieve for 2011 and beyond. What my actual goals are. Without actually writing a list of the shallowness and mundane of papers past.
Without calling them resolutions.
I want to learn to feel more comfortable with the way my body is. I never, ever want to feel the way I felt the other day when I was at the mall with my family. For a paranoid moment, as we were walking out of the mall and heading towards our car, I was worried that people were laughing at me. Even though I know, intellectually, that no one was…except maybe my kids. I actually had a minor panic attack and couldn’t get to the car fast enough. It was a horrible internally emotional experience that I just shared with my husband the other night.
I need to set more realistic time frames for myself. Things take time. Some longer than others, of course. The business isn’t going to take off immediately, we need to grow it. I can’t get upset and frustrated about waiting.
Really, this year is going to be all about taming my frustrations. On a whole, I need to not give up before I even start. I need to work through obstacles and plateaus and realize that these are just part of life. For EVERYONE.
Every single one of those important aspects of my life come laden with frustrations. They do for every single person I know. Instead of staring at the screen, treadmill, cell phone or WHATEVER and pressing ignore due to fear of failure…
Which, I really believe I’ve lived most of my life doing. Ignoring, avoiding or making excuses because I’ve always been so worried I’m going to fuck it up.
I need to dig deep. I have it in me. I know I do.
Frustrated. Annoyed. Worried. Scared. I don’t want to be like that anymore.
I have so many things to look forward to for 2011. A new business, a new website, new friends…
I refuse to sabotage the good and fabulous that 2011 (and beyond) IS going to be because I’m so focused on the negative that I’m worried MIGHT or COULD happen.
This IS going to be a year of change for me. Not a physical one, although I really hope that this year I can get the right doctor who will figure out this thyroid thing…
This is going to be a complete internal overhaul. The pivots, wheels, gaskets…all working parts. Adjusted.
So, for this year, I have only one resolution that I’m going to make.
No looking down.
Deep breath, dive in and deal.
Unless, of course, there is danger of getting hurt. Because that would suck.