I’m propped on the bathroom counter, one leg holding me up, putting on eyeliner, when my daughter nonchalantly walks in and sits down on the closed toilet. I could tell by her serious expression and posture that she had something she wanted to discuss.
“What’s going on, honeybunch?” I ask her, watching her in the mirror watching me.
She shrugs and meets my gaze. It’s obvious she wants to spill but doesn’t know if she should or where to begin.
She continues watching me in silence as I line carefully line my eyes with liquid eyeliner.
She seems fascinated by what I’m doing.
I catch her eye and we smile at each other. I notice how stunningly beautiful she is and how badly she seems to want to talk.
I put down my eyeliner and give her my attention.
“Talk to me.” I say, simply.
“Mommy, if you had a do-over, what would it be?” she blurts out.
I realize that it is a loaded question and I have to be careful how I answer it. I know exactly what she is really asking.
I respond that I would have done better in high school which would have allowed me to go to a better college and I would have been a doctor.
But I know that isn’t what she meant or wanted to hear.
“You wouldn’t have changed marrying my dad?” she has a very serious look on her face which is pleading with me, studying me as she guides the conversation into the direction she wants it to go.
I hesitate.
I’m looking right at her, not her reflection anymore.
I tell her no. Because then she wouldn’t be here.
She wants to know if I regret marrying her father.
I smile and softly shake my head no.
She looks at me thoughtfully and seems satisfied with my answer, gives me a kiss and leaves me with my thoughts.
The truth is that I don’t completely regret marrying her dad because I have my two beautiful children from that marriage. But I wish I had listened to my own heart telling me not to walk down that aisle.
But how can I tell my daughter, who SO OBVIOUSLY wants to hear that once upon a time I loved her dad, anything other than what she NEEDS to hear?
I often think about the ‘what ifs”. It’s hard to think about it because, what if i had called off the wedding like I had considered doing, one too many times? My kids, my babies, wouldn’t have been here. Yes, I realize that I would have had kids eventually, with someone else. But I didn’t. I have MY kids.
A do-over would change my entire being. Everything about who I am today.
I can’t “go there”. It makes me sad on so many different levels. It’s like murdering my children and myself.
So instead, I think I’ll just be happy with the direction I consciously took my life and try to fix things that are fixable.
You can’t change the past, right.
You can only hope to make the right choices for the future.
No do-overs. One chance only, leaving you to deal with whatever ramifications those choices bring you.
Period.
I look into my reflection, smile firmly and continue putting on my make-up.
What a beautiful post. I especially love that you were putting on your make up, applying your face, and your daughter caught you at a vulnerable moment, but you chose to not reveal the whole naked truth of your feelings to spare hers. Kids want things to be so black and white, but it’s all so nuanced and your post really captured that. It’s so true, there are no do overs, but that’s what makes life so messy, yet so beautiful. Thanks for inspiring me this Wednesday and thanks for sharing this post on our FB social media moms group.
Wow – what a beautiful post and what a smart little girl. My eyes began to tear reading this because I agree with what your saying. Not necessarily about my marriage but about other things that have happened to me in the past.
Would I do them all over? Even though they were so negative?
And the answer is yes, because i need to be exactly where I am today.
Lovely read…
Vera
Vera from Lady and the Blog´s last blog post ..Link Love
I hope that one day, if one of my boys asks me the same thing, I can flash back to this post and know exactly what to say.
Because your thoughts here? They’re mine too, exactly.
TeacherMommy´s last blog post ..thanksgiving rain
Wow. That’s great. I never asked my mom this question, but I’ve wondered before. I know that she would never give my brother and me up for anything, not even to never have had the heartache she did. But the love I have in my heart for her sometimes makes me wish that she had never had to suffer through that heartache just so she could have me.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..The Williams Family Christmas Tree
I love this post. It is these fleeting conversations that happen out of the blue that can really affect the way you think and feel, and definitely affect your child.
I’ve thought those same thoughts and come around to the same conclusion. Who I am today, who my children are is due to the choices already made. Who I become and who my children become are due to my choices and their choices right now.
But, I never quite considered it as murdering myself and my kids. I like the metaphor. Different past choices would undo the person I am today as well as my kids. I like it.
Next time I decide to wallow in what if’s I’ll keep this in mind!
Melissa, this is such an emotionally raw and wonderfully written post. I’ve had to face my oldest daughter with those question and then choke out answers, too. I’ve gone through the same thought processes and it’s impossible to sort them out logically. If nothing else, her dad and I came together to bring her into the world. How much we have grown and learned from being her mother and father. We are blessed in that way.
This post made me cry. No, there are no do-overs. All the experiences we’ve had – the good, bad and the ugly – are what have made us into who we are today.
Gigi´s last blog post ..Will he EVER learn
We all have things we wished we had done differently but I think every choice we made, has brought us to where we are today. I now look at my what I thought were bad choices and say they were risky …..it turned out to be a wonderful life!
Rachel Ferrucci´s last blog post ..Food Storage Clean-up Quest
very good one, and sad. I can see that little girl with the curls. You gave the right answer.
Melissa, gorgeous post – what a piece of writing my friend. But beyond that, a special moment with your daughter – it brought tears to my eyes. She’s a lucky girl to have you as her Mom.
Karen MEG´s last blog post ..Sunday- when I should get off my and do something productive