To My Darling, Wonderful Family, in particular…my children,
Every year, before Chanukka, I’ve asked you to make me a list of things that I can buy you.
Every year, without fail, I receive that list, chock full of wanted items. Without any problems at all. You get that list written and delivered to me.
Every year, I buy you what you asked for (and sometimes things you didn’t ask for). I’m a great Mommy, you’re so lucky.
I’ve never, ever, EVER asked for anything in return. My gift is that you enjoy your gifts. Because I love you, my little muffins.
Well this year is different. I have made a little list myself, of things that I’d like. Now, I know what you’re thinking, that the only money you have is only being spent on yourselves, I get that.
The 8 things that I want won’t cost you a penny. You’re welcome.
1. Stop whining, you’re giving me a headache and making me want to back hand you to REALLY give you something to whine about.
2. Clean your room before I throw EVERY FRICKING THING YOU OWN into those one of those big, HUGE lawn refuse bags and donate the shit out of your stuff to under-privileged kids who don’t have the copious amounts of crap that you have.
3. Start studying harder. Get better grades. So you can go to a good college, get a degree and move out of my house. And hopefully, you’ll get a career which will be able to support your Mommy in her old age. (payback for all the stuff I did for you. Oh yeah, no such thing as a free lunch, even from your Mommy).
4. Erase the word “NO” from your vocabulary. No isn’t a response from you anymore in my house. Capiche?
5. Learn this word. CHORE: a specific piece of work required to be done as a duty or (if you’re lucky) for a specific fee. Now, when we tell you to do your chores, you know what we are talking about so you can wipe that deer in the headlight look off your face and get busy.
6. Take initiative. Do things for yourself. Without my asking you to do them. Because I’m getting really sick of repeating myself and hearing my own voice rise in decibel.
7. Learn to listen to that one syllable word “NO”. It’s not OK when you say it. But it sure as hell holds a LOT of clout when I do. NO means NO. Period. End of story. And stop your crying and whining.
8. The eye-roll. Is mine. And mine only.
And that, my wonderful, sweet, darling children, is my Chanukka list for you. That is what I want for Chanukka. Not too hard to get nor is it expensive.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.