I wished away the younger, exhausting, more physically draining years of child rearing. It was completely unintentional, I didn’t know how fast those years would really go or I wouldn’t have wished so hard.
I just kept hoping that they’d outgrow those particular stages that required hovering and chasing and constant attention. I prayed for the time that they would be in school full day, every day, and I could have a little bit of my life back. A time where I could nap during the day, lunch with friends, shower and pee without an audience. I could feel like a person instead of just a mom, not that there is anything wrong with being a mom but, I’m sure some of you “get” that.
That time has been here for ages already. I learned my lesson and am working really hard at trying to get them to regress. So far, it’s not working out too well for me.
I was thinking about something today, as I was driving home from dropping my youngest off at school.
I’m home every morning by 8:05 a.m. Usually, I’m fully clothed because I don’t like leaving my house in pajamas, even to take my kid to school. I usually have a tiny bit of make up on already. I’m good to go.
The problem is, the whole world, aside from breakfast joints and coffee shops, are still sleeping. Most of my friends are already working out and I shudder at the thought.
I consider…briefly…going home to go back to sleep. Because, let’s be honest, what else is there to do really besides twitter or laundry?
I’ve NEVER done that. OK, I’m not being completely honest. No matter how exhausted I am, unless I’m sick and really need to lay in bed, I don’t go back to sleep.
I feel like going back to bed is a complete waste of the few hours of “me” time that I wished away my children’s childhood for.
I have guilt I guess.
Living with exhaustion is my punishment to myself, I suppose.
But really, I only have a few hours in the day where I don’t have to be a Mom. Where I can concentrate on things that I need to get done. Deadlines, groceries, laundry (shudder) and even the once a week manicure. Perhaps I may even take up a dreaded exercise routine. Maybe. I’ll think about it.
Because, as much as I miss those babies I once had, I’m not really on call 24/7 anymore. Well, I am but it’s not all-inclusive anymore. It’s on an as-needed basis. Sometimes I have more hours to put in than others. And, once they get home from school, they are always around and underfoot until 11pm. Those kids? NEVER go to bed.
I only have 6 precious, kid-free hours a day, 5 days a week. I treasure them. Not that I don’t equally treasure those other 18 hours I have WITH my kids. But…these 6 little, tiny hours…
Where I can do whatever I want. With whomever I want (within reason, of course). However I want to spend them…
And as tired as I am, I’m not wasting 2 hours away by napping.
But, I should really consider going to sleep earlier because, I’m extremely tired.
And also? I should also probably start penciling in gym time into those morning hours.