Ch-ch-ch-Changes

I’m staring mindlessly out the window as I wash the sink FULL of dirty dishes with caked on leftover food, oblivious to the pruning of my fingers. I had just finished watching a vlog at Mama Mary Show where she is talking about her 20 year reunion coming up this weekend (have fun) and how she doesn’t feel she has change so much since the day she flipped the tassel. I’m deep in thought.

My 20 year reunion was a few years ago. It’s hard to believe how fast the time came and went, leaving more gray hairs and fine lines in it’s wake.

I’ve changed. GREATLY. Since I graduated high school. But also, since I’ve started blogging and being active in social media events over the last 3 1/2 years.

When I was young, I was so painfully shy. Looking someone in the eye during conversation was nightmarish for me, even if they were good friends. I would stutter, blush some ungodly shades of fushia, mumble and just be all around awkward. I found that the only way to get out of my shell was to indulge in wine coolers, I liked California better than Bartles and James. That was my teenage xanax. I would become my alter-ego, a chatterbox, center of attention and most likely a blithering idiot but, what did I know? I was buzzed and felt how I should always feel, secure and outgoing.

Gaining years didn’t cause the lack self-confidence and painful shyness to dissipate. It was part of my DNA but I learned to overcompensate without overindulging (in the drinky-poos).

I NEVER could go anywhere without a small entourage. Even as a younger grown up. Luckily, when I had my kids, they sometimes took the place of adult company making it emotionally easier to go out in public. Notice…I clarified with emotionally. Because having kids and leaving the house…not easy. But they were my crutch when I didn’t have friends to hang out with.

I learned to ignore the inner shy girl who was tugging me back into the house and insistent that I crawl back into my cocoon.

She started getting quieter, that shy, insecure girl. Until, she just began sitting there, waiting to make her move again, when I wasn’t paying attention.

My 20 year reunion, my inner high school self was nowhere to be found. I had a blast. The snotty bitches were there, all cliqued off, sneering at everyone…same as they were 20 years ago.

They didn’t get to me. I was the me I wish I had been in high school. I was even skinny too. Phew that my thyroid didn’t start screwing with me until a couple years after the reunion.

My biggest personal change, though?

I go places without bringing anyone. I go to meet ups, tweet ups, conferences, PTA meetings, classes. I don’t always know if I’m going to see anyone I am friends with. But, I get in my car and go.

I am still shy. I am still insecure (especially because of my weight). I still turn fushia and have a hard time with eye contact. I still can hear that voice in my head telling me that I should stay home.

I don’t think that will ever go away.

But, as I get older, I learn to ignore the inner me with less effort even when she is sitting next to me, coming along for the ride.

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