I went to Victoria’s Secret a few months ago. A new bra was desperately needed because my cheap bras were not controlling the girls very well. They were sticking out everywhere, over the top, under the armpit, the bottom of my shirt (not really, that’s just for effect). And with my out of control growing girth, I need to at grab the reign of the girls (and I don’t mean my daughters because that’s another post for tomorrow) and their chestial (that’s totally a word) placement.
So, I went and bought two bras. A lovely pink, full coverage bra with a cute little bow in the center, for my fuller and very curvaceous figure. And also, one of those newfangled convertible doohickey bras that, well…convert. No, I don’t mean it as a religious thing.
Keep in mind that I mentioned I bought these bras a few months ago. Because you are about to find out a lesser known tidbit of information about me…
My newfangled convertible doohickey bra was lying on the bathroom counter. Obviously, I’m a slob. But anyhoo…
If that doesn’t make you wake up and realize you have GINORMOUS tits, I don’t know what does.
Up until the other day, when I was doing something one does in the bathroom, I just figured it was a normal, albeit VERY UN-FRICKING-COMFORTABLE bra that pushes the skin down on my back, thus causing back fattage. But as I was staring into space, my deer-in-the-headlight gaze caught a glimpse of the strap. Which woke me up. And I went over to inspect it. Then I inspected it further. I came to two reasonable conclusions based upon my Sherlock Holmes-like deductions…
a) I’m the most pathetically unobservant person on the planet and will never make it as a Watson OR a Holmes. Because if I was, then I would have noticed that my boobs are being kept off the floor by a bra that is held on by two strategically placed ace bandages with a pretty polka-dot cover? Yeah. Exactly.
b) The girls are huge.
Oh, p.s…Not to mention that I paid a lot of money for ace bandages. Had I known that is all I needed to keep the lovely ladies from chaffing on the ground, I would have run up to the corner drugstore (not literally, because I’m in exercise sabbatical right now, for no particular reason. I just felt like saying that) and bought myself two ace bandages off the shelf there. That would have cost me, AT LEAST $60 less than I paid for the ace bandage bra at Victorias Secret. Which, by the way, those chicks that work there have really no clue how to properly fit a bra.
pps…not only is that contraption ugly, but Dear Victoria’s Secret, that bra is REALLY FRICKING PAINFUL to wear. It’s a torture chamber device. I mean, c’mon…doesn’t it look like one too?!