What My Facebook Status Updates Would Have Looked Like Yesterday

7:00 am: Need coffee. And my breath could probably kill someone, damn Middle Eastern food.

7:30 am: Ahhh, coffee, much better. Time to get the kid to school.

8:05 am: This house is a disgusting pit. Gotta clean up for the cleaning lady.

8:45 am: It’s all straightened up, sort of. Now, I won’t be so embarrassed for the cleaning lady to come. Why is it that we clean up for our cleaning ladies anyways? They’re the ones that get paid the big bucks.

9:30 am: Where is she? *shaking in panic* Shouldn’t she be here by now?

9:48 am: Is today Wednesday? I could have sworn my cleaning lady comes today. Early. So she can hang out with my dogs first.

10:27 am: OMG. Did she forget about me? *insert Simple Minds song, “Don’t You Forget About Me”

10:56 am: I’ve never gotten so excited over a knock on the door. Except, it was the lawn guy looking for money. He can kiss my ass.

11:08 am: Really, seriously, is today Wednesday?

12:19pm: Who’s going to clean up this shithole? Don’t you EVEN look at me. Stop it.

1:00 pm: Sigh.

1:26 pm: I wonder if my husband fired her and forgot to tell me.

1:48pm: Vacuumed the carpets and Swiffered the wood on the main floor. Stupid vacuum doesn’t work so well. Keep staring out the window, hoping to see her car. Maybe there was just a lot of traffic?

2:03 pm: This house is a dust magnet. No wonder my stepson sneezes so much. And what’s with all the crap piled up under his bed?

2:27 pm: Holy shit, the kids toilet is vile. Whoever potty trained them and taught them to flush did a lousy job. And the toilet seat? *dry heaves*

3:00 pm: Have to pick the little guy up from the bus stop. I’m leaving the door unlocked. I’m still hopeful she’ll come. How the HELL does she clean my house in 3 hours?

3:56 pm: All the kids are home, the main floor is a mess again. Maybe she didn’t come because I don’t pay her enough. These kids are fucking pigs.

4:43 pm: Dear children, please go directly to your rooms and sit there. Signed, the new cleaning lady…Your Mother

5:22 pm: How does anyone live in this house between the kids shit, the dog shit, and all the other shit? This house should be condemned.

11:48 pm: Exhausted. House is pretty clean. I HATE cleaning. I have the smell of ammonia permanently stuck in my nose.

Thursday morning…

8:25 am: I should have listened to the messages on my cellphone. The cleaning lady is on the way. She’s coming EVERY OTHER THURSDAY. And today? Is Thursday!

10:05 am: She’s HERE. It’s a good thing. This house…is a pit.

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