Sometimes I get this desperate, panicky feeling that bubbles and churns. I start feeling trapped and I get the urge to jump in my car and drive away with the music blaring to drown out my thoughts. Just drive. Far away.
But the problem is, that feeling that I want to drive away from, it comes with me. Everywhere. It’s within me.
I get this lump in my throat. Not the same lump that happens when you feel like crying. It’s like an arm wants to push its way out through my mouth and grab at something. It sounds so Alien-esque. But it’s the only way I can describe it.
I constantly get this feeling, this sensation. Like I’m just trying to reach for something but my arms aren’t long enough.
Reaching. Grabbing. Jumping.
Always just missing.
I want something. I need something.
Heck if I even really know that “something” is.
It’s making my A.D.D flare up though. Look, shiny. Look, kitty. I switch from thing to thing without looking back.
I am so jealous of those who figure out what they were meant to do. Their calling. Their destiny.
When I was younger, I just figured that I was going to be a mom. And here I am, a mom.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore my children and I really do enjoy being a mom. On the most part. I mean, it’s what I, being a woman, was supposedly born to do.
But…
In four years, my children will start leaving. They will go off to college and then start building lives of their own. Hopefully.
On that very last day, when my youngest one leaves. And being a Mommy isn’t as full time or necessary…
And being a Mommy becomes even way more less than enough…
What do I do?
Who am I really?
Mirror, Mirror on the wall…?
What will the mirrors reply be?
A shoulder shrug.
A finger, pointing me in the direction of the washing machine?
I need something more than what I am doing.
Mindlessly doing the laundry and emptying the dishwasher while everyone is at school, it’s not cutting it. It never really has.
There are only so many errands and lunches you can do before losing your real sense of self.
Mine isn’t lost yet but it’s hiding really, really well.
I know who I am.
I just don’t know who I am really supposed to be.
And I’m so worried that I’m going to wake up when I’m 80 and still be wondering the same thing.
What is my greater purpose, other than worrying about money, health and the state of the world?
Why am I here?
It wouldn’t matter what direction I pointed my car and drove off towards. Or what channel I blared on the radio to try to drown out all these thoughts.
They will always stay with me.
Until.
I can figure this out.
IF I can figure it out.
Being a mom? Yeah, it’s great and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
But?
It’s just not enough anymore.
O.M.G. How is it that you so succinctly described exactly how I’ve been feeling lately? I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Now I am, a mom of 5, and happy, but feeling lost, like there is something more that I’m not getting, even though I have no idea what it could be. When you figure it out, let me know. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
My wife has gone through the same thing!
I have learned this one secret and that is, no matter what else you may not get, may not reach, may not achieve, may not discover you will always have the opportunity to do one thing that is of greatest importance and that is love the person in front of you.
That is what gives your life meaning. Whether it’s a front counter clerk at a motel in Wyoming and soccer mom friend or stranger on a plane, your value, purpose and meaning in life will never be exceeded by what you give them, right then.
And the best thing is wherever you go, you will be with you and you will be practicing that love and that will make you enjoy your life SO MUCH!
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the big picture accomplishment idea. I want it for myself too. What is out there that will do that for me, to me. I have some ideas but am not sure. But I do know that one idea will never fail me.
The Napkin Dad´s last blog post ..How Much A Dunce – Road Trip Coda
Yeah. This is tough. Our identities are so wrapped up in being moms that it’s hard to see who we are on our own. As women. As people. This may sound hokey, but I always find reading to be helpful in finding a trajectory. Books give me such great ideas, spark new interests, pose big questions…they get me out of my head and into the world. And sometimes. my head is not the healthiest, most stable place to be.
Kami´s last blog post ..We Can Get Down- We Can We Can Get Down
I know that feeling. Been there, and realized that I needed to make some changes so that is what I have been working on. Feels pretty good.
Jack´s last blog post ..Words And Music
I hear you loud and clear on this one. Long time ago I did have a clear idea of what I wanted to do and I went out and did it. A part of me wished I could be one of those stay at home moms who (you can start laughing now) had all this time on their hands. When the perfect storm hit: second-time motherhood and implosion of my career industry, I jumped on the SAHM bandwagon. I had not idea how hard it would be to stay home. I also had no idea that I would never return to my line of work, that the door had slammed shut behind me. I, too, am reinventing the creaky old wheel that is me.
MomZombie´s last blog post ..When Spam is naked — with a Brazilian
You have just expressed something many of my neighbourhood SAHM’s have been feeling. Most of their kids are now Grade 5…but they are already thinking about what is their next step?
I suppose this is what working mom’s (like me) have struggled with for years: by working, are we fulfilling a need that ensures we are living up to our own expectations via a career…or how much are we sacrificing by working full time. In my case…I’m always trying to create that balance..but yeah…I still have to unload the dishwasher on most days..
Good for you for putting your thoughts out there…you are clearly touching a nerve…
I read this this morning, and I didn’t have time to comment because I was frantically trying to finish loading the dishwasher so that I wouldn’t have to see the crap when I came home from work. Sigh.
Being a SAHM is really, really tough – I did it for almost 4 years, not nearly as long as you have, and although I wouldn’t change it for the world, as it gave me time to enjoy being a Mom (yeah, funny how I can look back and not remember those days when I sometimes didn’t enjoy it so much…) I did have an identity crisis throughout the last year or so. And I still do from time to time- like sometimes when there aren’t enough seconds in the day, rushing around, wondering what would happen if I just kept on going past the house, the daycare, the grocery store, you know, kept the pedal down, rushing to nowhere.
And just because I’m full throttle back at the career woman thing, all the SAHM stuff didn’t really go away either. Because it’s the Mom stuff, the stuff that never goes away. And am I passionate about my job? Well, passion probably isn’t the word, but it is a piece of me that is utterly, and completely, just mine.
What am I trying to say? I’m trying to say that I get this, I hear you… I hear that you’re looking for something more, for just YOU, that helps define you. I hope you find it, sweetie xoxoxo
Karen MEG´s last blog post ..Friday Fragments -Im not perfect- but I keep trying