Trouble-Shooting: How To Survive The School Year

A new school year has begun and is now in full swing. Kids are learning their locker combinations, assuming they have found their lockers. They have avoided buying those dreaded elevator passes that many upperclassmen try to sell to those pesky freshmen. They’ve begun to navigate the great halls of their middle and high schools without getting lost or, even worse, walking into the wrong classes.

The younger kids in elementary school have gotten comfortable enough in class that they are constantly calling their teacher “Mommy”. Which, I suppose, is a good thing.

Acclimation and transition is as flawless as possible.

Mommy has her house back and life goes back to “normal”.

BUT. With every new school year comes new problems and dilemmas within the home and the school. And I am here to give to you a trouble shooting guide to help easily solve any glitches in yours and your loved ones day.

PROBLEM: Laundry for school clothes
The kids wait until every article of clothing is filthy and throw in smelly, bug infested piles under their beds, in closets and in corners of their rooms before throwing said gross, disgusting clothing in the laundry. THUS creating 4 more loads of laundry aside from the typical 6 loads a day you already do.

SOLUTION: Make the kid do their own laundry. And fold. And put away. While you sit at the kitchen table Twittering and snickering.

PROBLEM: Lunches
a. They don’t like what you pack them for lunch.
b. They left their lunch at home on the kitchen table and you notice the dog already had it’s way with the brown paper bag.
c. They forgot their lunch money or forgot to remind you that the lunch account was negative and they have to wash dishes if you don’t replenish the funds.
d. You find out that, after all the effort you put into packing them a nutritious and delicious lunch, they trade all of it for someone else’s HoHo and chocolate milk.

SOLUTION:
a. Show them where the bags are, they can pack their own damn lunches. And tell them to make sure they clean up when they are done.
b. They’ll have to starve until they get home. Your day is too busy to take the time out to make them new lunches and hand deliver. Besides, your nails are still wet from the shiny new manicure you got this morning.
c. Oh well. Maybe washing dishes at school will prepare them for some new household chores you have in mind for them.
d. Don’t send lunches to school anymore so that there is nothing to trade. That’ll show them.

PROBLEM: Oversleeping
The kids overslept their alarm. You didn’t set yours because you figured that a) they set theirs b) your husband would wake them up. But a and b never happened. And, they missed their bus.

SOLUTION:
Scream a lot. Curse at them all up, down and sideways. Then, make your husband drive them all to school. Because it’s kind of his fault anyways. Right? Then, go back to sleep. You deserve it, you had a rough morning with all the screaming.

PROBLEM: Homework
a. The homework is way too difficult and they can’t figure it out. And you can’t either because 9th grade is like college and you were hungover during college so how can anyone expect you to remember this stuff.
b. They come home from school claiming that they have no homework so you let them play their video games, watch t.v and have a friend over. Then, at 10pm, the suddenly remember that they have a test and 3 sheets of geometry due tomorrow.
c. They left their homework at home and really, really need you to bring it to school NOW. Or it’s your fault if they get a missing assignment.
d. They did their homework, they swear to g-d. But then, when you look online at Family Access, you see they have 3-5 missing homework assignments for each core class.

SOLUTION:
a. Make them use a lifeline and phone a friend.
b. Go to bed, it’s late. They’ll just have to stay up all night and finish their work that should have been done when they got home from school. Oh, and take away electronic privileges for the rest of the week.
c. Do it once. After that, they are on their own. And those missing assignments? It’s all on them and they can kiss your rosy red rear end.
d. Kill them, chain them to the kitchen table or wherever they do their homework, let them know that they aren’t leaving the table until every single assignment is complete and ready to be handed in. Then, go to bed because they are going to be there all night. You may also want put in your ear buds so you don’t hear them crying piteously for the next 6 hours.

PROBLEM: Big mouth teens
Self explanatory. Teens have big mouths. They don’t know when to shut them. Every time you say something, they open their mouth with some negative or obnoxious remark. They are cute when they aren’t talking though.

SOLUTION:
Duct tape. You can even buy them in pretty colors. But, buy enough so you don’t have to worry about running out. Teen years last a LONG time.

PROBLEM: The Kids Friends
They are always at your house. Their smells, their big mouths, their clothes, their missing homework assignments which are left on your kids bedroom floors or on your kitchen table…

SOLUTION:
They hang out at your house all the time because they enjoy it there? Well then, treat them like one of yours. Same rules. Same duct tape.

PROBLEM: STRESS
You’re stressed. They’re stressed. Life is stressful.

SOLUTION:
For you: Wine.
For them: Too bad, it’s par for the course. You were once their age too and you just had to deal with it. Now, it’s their turn.

If there are any other concerns you feel need to be addressed, please don’t hesitate to ask. But, when in doubt, just say “Because I’m the mother and I said so.” That seems to go over well with every aged child.

Or, just lock yourself in the bathroom for the next few years.

You are SO welcome.

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