No, I Would NOT Do That To My Vagina

· by: melissa

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I snagged the September issue of Cosmo from my hairdresser yesterday, with her permission, of course. That whole magazine slays me. And positioned in my present monthly condition, my snarky kicks in strong. Along with my sarcasm.

There is an article in the September edition called “Would You Do This To Your Vagina?” that absolutely cracked me up. It was all about Vajazzling your vajayjay, bush hairstyles, crotch fitness, labia lipstick and accessories to make your vagina all pretty during your period, like that could ever happen.

I just think it would be funny if, say, after your partner was done orally delighting you, instead of a glazed donut, they were wearing your vajazzled as a mustache.

PantyO. Kegel exercise underwear. Because THAT sounds really comfy. Better than a wedgie. Or camel toes. There is a 1 inch extension that you insert into your vag. ALL DAY LONG, you have this 1 inch thing shoved up your crotch. If it vibrated and had external stimulation, maybe that would make the whole thing more attractive. Otherwise, it just sounds REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE for $125! No thank you. I’ll get my kegel exercise the old fashioned way. Twice a week. And I don’t leak when I sneeze. Thank you.

My New Pink Button. Temporary dye. For your labia. WHY? I’m not a porn queen. I’ve given birth 3 times. I’ve been having sex with the same man for years. I could give a rats ass what the color of my labia is. I don’t think my husband cares either, as long as I’m giving him bj’s. Unless there were some oozing sores that were the cause of this discoloration. Then there would be a completely different type of discussion going on.

The new Brazilian? Let the bush grow. Wild. Maybe add some dreadlocks. Or Bo Derek corn rows.

The accessories? Ridiculous. Pads that are hot pink leopard print by Pantzies. And Cuchini makes pads that won’t stick to your newfound wild bush. Personally, I’m sticking to the winged pads. A mess is a mess. Whether they are pretty pads that won’t pull out the pubes or not.

People have way too much time on their hands, inventing some of the most unnecessary ridiculosity.

Stay tuned for the discussion regarding the article about the girl who married her stepbrother. Right after I finish vajazzling and applying applying vag blush.

Comments

comments

Comments

  3. Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos says

    I have to be honest. I have vajazzled and will continue to vajazzle for special occasions. Why? Cause it’s fun and it’s a nice surprise for my man 🙂 And cause I think it looks cute. Yes, I said it. I think my vagina looks cute with a vajazzle design! I’m not into all that other stuff, but I guess to each his own.
    Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog post ..Erasing Doubts

  4. alexis says

    oh. my. gosh. i thought vajazzling wasn’t so terribly bad, but that pink button thing sounds horrific. what a sad, sad world we live in, when just having a vagina doesn’t cut it. like we don’t suffer enough already, now we have to have pretty genitals? boo.

    i’ve never waxed (and never will), but i do some razor grooming. and that’s all i have to say on the subject.
    alexis´s last blog post ..beds are for sex- not for sleep

  7. Gigi says

    HA! They were just talking about this on the radio the other day. First of all, I have enough to do maintenance-wise what with keeping up w/hair color, plucking my eyebrows, shaving my legs, etc., plus housework, plus real work, plus homework, plus whatever else I’ve got going on – so even if I wanted to do this (which I don’t)who the hell has the time?!
    Gigi´s last blog post ..A long- rambling post and new shoes – everybody wins! Updated

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