A Dark Post.

· by: melissa

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I don’t want to be dark and depressing.

But that is where I am right now.

I’m questioning why. And if. And how.

Angry.

Resentful.

Shocked.

At everything life is throwing at us.

I’m playing “C’mon Get Happy” in my head, over and over. I’m really trying to shake this.

It’s not working right now.

I can’t stand feeling like a businessman stumbling out of Happy Hour.

Out of control.

I have no control over anything in my life.

Not a fricking thing.

Time.

My kids.

Money.

My house.

My life.

There is nothing.

I feel useless.

And insignificant.

And completely unnecessary.

I’m a practical joke.

I can’t stand this feeling.

This anxiety.

This sadness.

I’m not sure what to do with it. It’s familiar but I only knew it from a distance before.

It’s arms are wrapped tightly around me, talons piercing.

I can barely catch my breath.

I can barely keep the tears from welling up.

I can barely keep from screaming.

Just barely.

I want to claw, punch, kick and scream WHY! WHY!! WHY??

But I swallow it down with a sip of coffee.

I’m spoiled.

Petulant.

Wanting more from MY life than it seems to want to give to me. And I don’t know how to change it.

Wanting more from someone that someone is willing to do.

Wanting.

Sick of bad decisions.

Tired of actions taken before thoughts.

Sick of nothing being done.

TIRED.

Worried.

Overwhelmed.

In a dark place.

Comments

comments

Comments

  5. Gigi says

    Know what you mean – I have days (weeks sometimes) like that. All you can do is hold on tight and realize that you can only control what you can control – the rest is out of your hands. ((hugs))
    Gigi´s last blog post ..An Honest Opinion

  9. Janice @ Mom On The Run says

    Awww – hugs Melissa!! I was feeling the same way 9 months ago – I decided to take control of SOMETHING! I decided to join a running club and begin training for a half-marathon. I felt it was something I could control… It really really helped (maybe too much because I felt good, lost some weight then got knocked up with kid #3…). The routines I established during the training program have continued, and I still continue to exercise and have some control of my ever expanding belly – for the first time in 5 yrs I really feel good about myself (despite facing some really crappy financial shit). Perhaps there is something in your life – a goal that you want to accomplish? I say put together a plan, take control and go for it!!
    Janice @ Mom On The Run´s last blog post ..Kids Say The Darndest Things 4

  11. alexis says

    I felt like that a few months ago, and it was sad for me, because I knew it meant I had to go back on antidepressants. I really thought I’d be able to fight off the dark on my own, and it felt like an admission of failure to have to go back on medication. But I’ve made peace with the decision and know that my mental health is more important than my pride. I totally agree with what Janice said–finding something, anything that you can actually control might help to ward off the demons, at least until you’re in a better place. You’ll be in my thoughts.
    alexis´s last blog post ..religion- awkward thursday-style

  13. Courtney Velasquez says

    I hate when my friends feel this way…let’s get together very soon! I’m sending a virtual hug in the meantime:)

  15. geekbabe says

    Been there,done that have a huge collection of Tee shirts from visiting that dark place, Aside from giving you virtual hugs all I can offer is the thought that when I feel that way, I find that turning my focus outward, towards the pain & sadness of others & trying to find ways however small, to brighten their situation helps me tremendously!
    geekbabe´s last blog post ..Are my reviews really worth less than 10

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