OK, Fine. I May Finally Be Convinced.

· by: melissa

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I have a well documented case of swaying in my belief that there is a higher power. Sometimes yes. Oftentimes, not a chance.

Every once in awhile, something happens that makes me really sit and wonder. Well, not necessarily sit but definitely wondering.

We were all set to send my youngest child to private school. We applied. We were granted a HUGE scholarship. We even took him to the first mini-session, this past Tuesday.

We were picking out yalmulke. And finding out what kosher foods to buy.

We were all set.

Minus, the funds. Because, even with a scholarship, it was very expensive. Especially for a family of 7 where the sole provider just got his salary cut by $800 per month.

The thought of the monthly fees for this private school made me feel like I was drowning and we hadn’t even started paying them yet. I’m hyperventilating just writing about it.

It was not just a commitment to one year, either. This was going to be a monthly fee for the next 12 years.

We would have had to pitch a tent in the playground.

And then this morning. My entire belief system was once again tested.

We received a phone call. From a neighboring school district which I had entered the school lottery back in April. I wanted my son to go to a certain elementary school, which was open.

In May, I found out he didn’t get in.

Today. After we had finally decided to go broke for one out of five children and I had been living on Xanax for the last few weeks…

We were told a space opened up for him in the first grade.

It’s free.

He doesn’t have to wear a yalmulke.

And it’s an excellent school

Not to mention…it’s free.

Like, no monthly tuition.

Free.

For the next 12 years.

And as crazy as this sounds…

Well…to me, at least.

I feel like it was a small miracle that happened.

I do.

Someone was watching out for me and my building addiction to Xanax.

Someone was watching out for my children and didn’t want us to have to live in a tent on a playground.

Someone.

Something.

Somehow.

Knew.

Which means, I’m going to have to go to Temple this year for the High Holy Days.

If not for anything else than to THANK that SOMEONE or SOMETHING.

And then, I can go back to my see-sawing of belief and lack of faith.

But for now…

HOLY CRAP…I believe.

And I can’t tell you or YOU how grateful and thankful and relieved I am.

Comments

comments

Comments

  2. Penny says

    Trusting in His timing is something I continue to learn and experience. His ways are not my ways; His thoughts are not my thoughts. And His timing is not mine. (Isaiah 55:8) I’m impatient. I worry and fret. Deep down inside, I know better, but I do it anyway.

    G-d is good, all the time.

    Thanks for sharing your G-d-incidence with us! Rejoicing w/ you by doing the happy dance in front of the monitor this morning.

  4. Jen says

    Missy! I love it! Great blog! I understand your pain and your see/saw believe not to believe dilema. We are currently going through this because hubby wants my daughter to go to church, I am against it…I can list 1,000 reasons why I dont want her to go and alll of them valid, but there is always that nagging ‘what if Im wrong’ nagging at me! Congrats on getting into the school you wanted for your son. I know this will give you some peace of mind! 🙂

  5. Christina @RantRaveRoll says

    That is great news! I understand that struggling feeling all too well right now. I’m sure you are thrilled and relieved. We’ll think of something else to blame the Xanax addiction on now.

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