I’ve complained about my weight. A lot.
I’ve written short stories and numerous amounts of posts on my blog complaining about how I am ever expanding.
It’s a large bottom cross I’ve been trying to bear. Struggles with weight plus the sudden onset of a thyroid condition. They don’t do wonders for the mind or body.
If you follow my blog, you know all this, it’s not a newsworthy, repeat of a blog post.
What you don’t know…no one knows… I almost canceled my BlogHer trip. Because I was embarrassed to meet my friends with all this extra weight on me. I haven’t felt quite myself in 1 1/2 years, since all this weight began making its way onto my body. I was so worried that my friends from last year would gape and my new friends would be shocked. But, I didn’t cancel.
I hugged, kissed and laughed.
I did NOT conquer.
I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Insecure. Inferior.
Yes, I know I’m pretty. Big deal. What use is pretty if you aren’t feeling it to flaunt it.
I was shocked.
I didn’t realize how bad it was, not really…until this…
In the BarHer Flickr stream, this was uploaded by my friend Carabee.
I broke down and sobbed brokenheartedly. To my husband, who I NEVER cry to.
That I, who am so vain, am seen looking like THAT in public. I met my beautiful friends looking like that. I go grocery shopping. I go to malls. I uncomfortably live my life.
I didn’t realize truly…
That I have gotten so fat.
All it took was that picture. It spoke more than a thousand words to me.
I am mortified.
I am AWAKE and AWARE.
And I will NOT look like that next year for Blogher 11.
I love you but it’s not for you. It’s for me.
I want to be me again.
So I can be a proud representation of my wonderful blog.
So I can really be happy to meet you and not feel like I want to crawl under my covers and never come out.
So I can go shopping, dining, living…feeling secure and not feeling like I need to hide behind long sleeves and baggy clothes.
So I can be healthy.
So my children won’t be embarrassed to be seen with me.
So I’m not embarrassed to be seen.
Thyroid or not…I WILL lose 50 pounds before next August when I get on a plane and fly to San Diego.
I have to.
You do what you have to do for YOU. Knowing the whole while that I love you and I think you are stunning.
Zoey @ Good Goog says
Such an important first step. That’s what it always took for me – to hit rock bottom and look at a picture of myself – to realise that something had to change. A fully believe that you will be flaunting your fine self in San Diego! And if anyone ever donates to my ‘Send Me to BlogHer’ donation box, I might even be there to see it in person.
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog post ..Being Unprepared
San Diego Momma says
You are beautiful.
Do what you do for you and no one else.
DUDE I was looking at photos of myself at BlogHer and I look HUGE. I’m working on losing weight too. I felt so uncomfortable the entire weekend wearing my shapewear that dug into my skin. Ugh. Good luck to you.
Ashley Estrada says
I’m right with you on this struggle. I know I’ve been creeping up the scale over the past several uh hem….months ok, ok maybe last couple of years but I kept thinking it’s just my boobs. If my boobs weren’t so darn big I’d look normal. I would be able to wear smaller sized tops. Then the reality struck this past swim suit season when my belly was gaining and possibly dare I say surpassing the girls. So I too am on a mission to shed those naughty pounds that crept their way into my body when I wasn’t looking. How dare they try to occupy my body without warning me. Well, no more of that I say. I look forward to making it to BlogHer next year and then we can both strut our sexy selves around the Gaslamp District 😉
Ashley Estrada´s last blog post ..Sodor- Bubbles- & DrunkardsGood Times
You can do it, babe. I know you can.xxx
Brenda´s last blog post ..This girl
Another Suburban Mom says
I know that you can do it. I have about 30 I want to take off, want to be my weight loss buddy.
Another Suburban Mom´s last blog post ..The Randomness Is Back
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos says
*HUGS* I discussed weight today on my blog as well as it’s something I’ve always struggled with. I have a thyroid condition too and it makes it REALLY hard. A similar thing happened to me – I saw a picture of myself (in a bathing suit…OUCH) and I had a complete mental breakdown. Ever since then I’ve been busting my ass and the weight is starting to come off. You CAN do this!!!!! Hang in there girlfriend!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog post ..Forgiving Myself
I think the most important step is the first on… every day.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..The Bluest Eyes
Love you girl and you ARE beautiful!!! You can do it…baby steps toward weight loss. My sister turned 50 last year and lost 50 pounds and entered a mini triathlon! She looks awesome…most importantly she feels fit and healthy.
Jamie´s last blog post ..First Day
Jen @ BigBinder says
I don’t want to take anything away from your motivation – I just want to tell you that when I met you in May at Gleek Retreat, I never thought of you as heavy. I just thought you were awesome. And also – I think this is a particularly bad picture because you don’t look like that in real life.
Jen @ BigBinder´s last blog post ..What to do Wednesday
Allison Zapata says
I love you b/c you posted a pic that makes you feel so uncomfortable. I absolutely do not have the confidence to do that.
And I want to trim some off too. It’s weird to look at a picture of myself and think “this is not how I see me”….
You are just lovely.
Allison Zapata´s last blog post ..BlogHer 2010- New York City- Part 1 – In Pictures
It was great meeting you and know that there are many here to help you if needed. For you.
We can and will do this. I wish I had met you at Blogher bui I also look at my pictures and cringe. I have overweight most of my life while losing and gaining 100 lbs over and over again.
I will stop the cycle once and for all.
Jen´s last blog post ..I hate the scale
Mama Mary says
I am so happy I met you and I love this post for so many reasons I can’t even count. You are brave and beautiful and I can’t wait to party with you and your skinny ass next year in SD! I’ll start working on getting our JT’s to make guest appearances. That will give you even more motivation. Until then I know you do whatever you set your mind to. You are that kind of woman, that I can tell from only our brief encounters. Get it girl!
Mama Mary´s last blog post ..blogher recap- coming soon!
Saw this tweeted by Mary and loved it. I post inspiration photos up for myself all the time. Mostly to remind myself to eat healthy so that I will feel better about myself. I have a horrid habit of stuffing myself with junk.
Natalie´s last blog post ..Is this for real
You are a beautiful person. I am so glad we got a chance to hang out. Much love girlfriend.
ohmommy´s last blog post ..BlogHer10- How to edit your photos
Christina @RantRaveRoll says
I can so relate to this. I put on a lot of weight after having an ovarian cyst that ruptured causing surgery. The hormonal imbalance added a good 50+ pounds to my short 5’2″ body. It’s a struggle. I’ve managed to lose about 20 pounds, but I want more. It makes a difference when you want to lose the weight for YOU. I wish you the best in your journey.
Christina @RantRaveRoll´s last blog post ..WHO INVITED THE HOT RUSSIAN CHICK
Dude you DID conquer, actually. My first impression of you is that you are amazingly gorgeous, have a beautiful smile, and are a fun, funny person to spend time with. We looked fab in the pic of us dancing on the windowsill and almost falling off and then getting busted by the bouncer?! RIGHT?!
(I ran the pic here http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/?p=3272)
I support you, I love you. But I gotta say?
You’re hot NOW, too.
marymac´s last blog post ..BlogHer Lessons Learned
Patty@NYC Girl at Heart says
I saw only a beautiful, warm, sweet and friendly woman who hugged me every single time she saw me and made me feel welcome at my first conference.
I get you!
Every single sentence.
I’d love to also be at my goal weight for next year’s Blogher!
Let’s do! Why the heck not! xoxo
Patty@NYC Girl at Heart´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday – Frozen Hot Chocolate!
I’m a big girl. I don’t like it. I need to change it.
Molly´s last blog post ..BlogHer Recap Sort of
Oh sweetie! I’ve been there. I saw a pic from my SIL’s (first) wedding and I cried at the sight of myself. I hung that picture on my fridge and put it on my dayplanner in case I was absentmindedly tempted to eat out of boredom rather than hunger.
And I exercised my ass off.
Best of luck!
Jill´s last blog post ..Vlog-
I hear you. I understand. And I’m right there with you. But that? Is a really bad picture. Really. It’s not as bad as you think…
amber´s last blog post ..Running in the Dark
You know I’m here for you (even though I’ve been absent from twitter lately)! You’ve got yourself in the right frame of mind now…..no matter how you came about it.
Last year it came to me when my 5yr old asked me how I got so fat. Brutal…that’s why I never am on that side of the camera if I can help it.
hugs friend! Weight loss is not just about the weight…it kind of is, but it’s about your overall health as well!
melissa, i met you at barher and you’re right, you are pretty. i love your hair and your free spirit. but i totally understand feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. i felt totally disgusting at blogher–i’m so heavy, and i hate being this weight. i still have yet to reach the point where i absolutely won’t put up with it anymore, but i’m getting there. good luck to you in your weight loss, i’ll be right there with you.
alexis´s last blog post ..nude snuggie vlogging ahoy
Janice @ Mom On The Run says
Awww hugs Melissa! I saw pictures from your trip last year and there is definitely a medical cause for that amount of weight gain. Definitely persue it with your doctor, and perhaps he can engage the help of a nutritionist who knows more about whatever medical cause is doing this to you and help you to eat the kinds of foods that will aid you in weight loss efforts. It’ll probably take a large amount of dedication to lose the weight – lots of food control and planned exercising, but I KNOW you can do it!!
That said, I have created a walk and tone downlaodable mp3 workout that can be played on any mp3 player that I sell for $4.99 on my Fitness Cheerleader site. I would love for you to try it out and possibly do a review and giveaway, yanno if you’re interested. Shoot me an email and I’ll provide you with more details ok?
Janice @ Mom On The Run´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday- Fishing With Daddy
Well, I’ve met you in real life and I’ve never thought you looked like that picture. It is an unflattering image. Just remember that. Your beautiful hair and smile and face and your inner light totally obliterate what the cold, calculating lens captures at times. Use the picture as a motivator but know that it isn’t who you are. Last month I was at an annual event. Someone had made a photo book of last year’s shindig. Somehow a whole bunch of candid pictures of me made it into this book. Not one was flattering. Some were of me eating, drinking, talking with food in my mouth, bending over to reveal stomach rolls, etc. I wanted to die!! Who would do such a thing? Then I got a hold of myself and thought: It’s not about me. Those awful pictures are not me.
MomZombie´s last blog post ..Happy
I was at BarHer so I can say with all honesty that that picture is NOT accurate for how you looked at all! You looked great, and any extra body weight was hardly noticeable over your pretty face, gorgeous hair and bright personality.
That said, you go about losing whatever weight you feel you need to in order to fell good about yourself. I’m working on that myself, and i can’t wait to see you again in San Diego when we’re both all slim and fabulous!
I’m new to your site, but was struck by your openness and honesty. Weight is such a personal isuue…but something that everyone can see. You’ve already made the first step…now go kick that weight in the ass!
(There is also a weight loss twitter chat: #mamavation. Apparently it’s pretty good)
I hear you. I understand where you are coming from. I have thyroid disease too. It blows. BUT…you did look beautiful. And you appeared so confident and happy. It was sexy. To me, anyway. I love you, Melissa. You can do it!
Kami´s last blog post ..BlogHer & Blackout
Aunt Becky says
Man, do I hate that feeling. Not what YOU look like, because I’d do you, but I know how it feels. I get way fat when I have babies (thanks, thyroid) and it’s terrible. I can’t help how fat I get (thanks, thyroid) and nothing like looking at pictures and being all, ‘HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.’
You’ll lose the weight. I’m finally beating SOME of it off. Slowly.
You were one of my favorite meets at BlogHer. And you know why? Because you are the real deal. Genuine, authentic, kind and beautiful. Both inside and out. Do you hear me screaming? Go Melissa Go? I am. I really. Really. Am.
Stefanie´s last blog post ..you captioned it- now vote it
Scary Mommy says
First of all, that is a really unflattering picture of you. Truly- you looked beautiful. But, I hear you. I have had those moments, too, and they suck. Sending you love. xox
I agree with Scary Mommy. Not a flattering picture of you. I met you and had a great time rocking out at BarHer. I think your beautiful. I suffer from the same issues and the same 50+ excess pounds. I also know that it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you you’re beautiful, it won’t sink in until you start to believe it. I’m working on that myself. Hugs!!
Chantel´s last blog post ..Random Tuesday Thoughts- Whirlwind
Elena Wollborg says
Great post! Struggle with the same things. Want/need to take it off. You see pics & reality sets in. Good luck to you!
I just wanted to echo the other commenters who have seen you; that is a TERRIBLE (and inaccurate) picture of you. You work it and lose what you think you need to lose, but also know that is NOT what you look like to the rest of us, not at all.
Diana´s last blog post ..Love Thursday- Reality is Nine-Tenths Perception