I’ve complained about my weight. A lot.
I’ve written short stories and numerous amounts of posts on my blog complaining about how I am ever expanding.
It’s a large bottom cross I’ve been trying to bear. Struggles with weight plus the sudden onset of a thyroid condition. They don’t do wonders for the mind or body.
If you follow my blog, you know all this, it’s not a newsworthy, repeat of a blog post.
What you don’t know…no one knows… I almost canceled my BlogHer trip. Because I was embarrassed to meet my friends with all this extra weight on me. I haven’t felt quite myself in 1 1/2 years, since all this weight began making its way onto my body. I was so worried that my friends from last year would gape and my new friends would be shocked. But, I didn’t cancel.
I hugged, kissed and laughed.
I did NOT conquer.
I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Insecure. Inferior.
Yes, I know I’m pretty. Big deal. What use is pretty if you aren’t feeling it to flaunt it.
I was shocked.
I didn’t realize how bad it was, not really…until this…
In the BarHer Flickr stream, this was uploaded by my friend Carabee.
I broke down and sobbed brokenheartedly. To my husband, who I NEVER cry to.
That I, who am so vain, am seen looking like THAT in public. I met my beautiful friends looking like that. I go grocery shopping. I go to malls. I uncomfortably live my life.
I didn’t realize truly…
That I have gotten so fat.
All it took was that picture. It spoke more than a thousand words to me.
I am mortified.
I am AWAKE and AWARE.
And I will NOT look like that next year for Blogher 11.
I love you but it’s not for you. It’s for me.
I want to be me again.
So I can be a proud representation of my wonderful blog.
So I can really be happy to meet you and not feel like I want to crawl under my covers and never come out.
So I can go shopping, dining, living…feeling secure and not feeling like I need to hide behind long sleeves and baggy clothes.
So I can be healthy.
So my children won’t be embarrassed to be seen with me.
So I’m not embarrassed to be seen.
Thyroid or not…I WILL lose 50 pounds before next August when I get on a plane and fly to San Diego.
I have to.