I just read a very interesting article in the Huffington Post regarding a fascinating concept about divorce. It’s called Is Divorce Contagious? And by *just*, I mean yesterday. So go read it. I’ll wait. *crosses arms over chest and taps feet on floor impatiently while snapping gum and looking annoyed*
You back yet?
How about now?
I’ve got to get on with my story. I don’t have all day…
Our play group formed in the Fall of 1996. A mish-mash of strangers and acquaintances brought together by a mutual friend and the fact that we all had babies close in age. There were around 10 of us.
It was comfortable almost immediately. We decided to meet once a week in the morning, sometime after breakfast, and hang out for how ever long the babies could deal. It was nice to have a group of adult woman to hang out with, and I looked forward to it. It was a welcome break in the stay at home mommy routine.
Eventually, most of us became friends outside of the playgroup, arranging our own play dates and even getting together with the husbands.
It was a kind of a clique…ish.
Then, after a year, 2nd babies started coming.
Then, troubled marriages, mine in the lead.
I left my ex-husband, got divorced and started a new life.
The play group disbanded. We didn’t play nor were we a group anymore. We were casual though, giving hugs and air kisses when we ran into each other.
Here we are, 14 years later. Save for two or three couples and one who moved away, the majority of that playgroup that I spent the first few pivotal years and many milestones with, they are now divorced. Epidemically proportioned to those who are still together.
I always harbored thoughts in the back of my head that there must have been some sort of virus that swept through our playgroup, leaving those who had stronger immune systems impervious, still standing tall. Others weren’t that lucky. They succumbed to the sickness.
But eventually, we all stand tall again. Taller and stronger than before, actually.
So when I came across that article in Huffington Post about divorce being contagious, I knew that I was right all along. There was a virus and divorce is contagious.
So is pregnancy.
So is marriage.
Everything is cyclical.
Life is a series of cycles.
Divorce is just one of those things.
Obviously it isn’t part of the cycle for everyone, just a large minority these days. But it is extremely odd and coincidental when a playgroup or a group of friends that spent time together and knew each other fairly well, in a domino effect, get divorced.
To the point that there has actually been viable research conducted on this.
And I must admit, I am kind of floating in that school of thought that it is contagious.
What do you think?
Contagious or coincidental?
They were just talking about this on the radio the other day (maybe as a result of the article?). Their consensus was this, that it IS contagious. Because once one person decides enough is enough and goes through with the divorce, then the others start noticing that maybe their marriage isn’t going so good. Then they notice that the divorced ones – after all the pain and grief – are moving on and are happy. Then they realize they aren’t happy and decide to go for it.
Me? Sure, I think all of the things you mentioned are contagious, in a way. Life is cyclical, as you said. And generally, the people you hang out with are about your own age and in the same stages of life that you are, so it stands to reason that you’d all go through the same things (marriage, kids, divorce, etc) about the same time.
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I think you are right… these types of “life experiences” (fortunately and unfortunately) are shared. I’ve seen it with friends of mine, as well as with some of my parent’s friends. It’s amazing how a group of people can be so close and share so much.
Now I wonder how I’ve bucked the trends and shared experiences so well. LOL
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This reminds me of the group my parents joined when I was a teenager, some kind of marriage strengthening type of thing. Funny thing is, almost all the couples divorced except my parents. In fact, the husband from one couple ended up running off with the wife of another couple. Scandalous!
MomZombie´s last blog post ..A small reminder
I’m going to buck the trend here and say I don’t think divorce is “contagious.” I think we tend to hang around people who are like us, and people like us are going to handle the stress that breaks up marriages the same way we do, so the result will be the same.
I also think the whole idea of supporting marriages within our circles is a touchy business. I know marriages that have been demolished by friends who decided to meddle in business that wasn’t really theirs…
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Coincidental. Lots of people get divorced. I think you would find these statistics across lots of different relationship groups no matter how you cut it.
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Coincidental. I don’t think contagious, but I think it’s much easier and acceptable than in previous years. Thus the high rate. Back in the day, I woman would get the shit kicked out of her daily and stay with the man because 1) she had no money, and 2) she had no money.
I’m not saying this about all kids from divorce, but I see far too many that are scarred as a result. It is always quite apparent to me which kids come from healthy, 2-parent households and those that don’t. I told my husband that we’d have to suck it up and live in separate rooms before we get divorced. It sucks!
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I mean, technically it’s 50/50, right? My play group started in 2005. Same thing- met once a week. Sometimes there were halloween parties and hanukkah parties so the dads were involved. Sometimes Greg and I would go out with another one or two of the couples. Then they started having their second babies. I didn’t. But my baby stopped being like the others. That “special needs” thing kicked in and we stopped fitting in. They’re all still friends (I think). I never see them unless I run into them at the grocery store or something. Yes, my feelings have been a bit hurt. Could’ve happened to any one of them. Truth? They’re all pretty freaking boring. They are people I would never have associated with if we hadn’t happened to have babies at the same time (and I happened to not know anyone here in town). But… they’re all still married. Boring, but married.
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I think Gigi is right. When one person is brave enough to do something drastic to get out of a bad situation then the rest find it easier to share that bravery. I don’t think anyone divorces for the trend.
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OMG I hope not, considering I live on the side of the block were all the divorce people live.
Long time no see, Hope your summer is well
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I agree with Gigi and Juanita. Most cases are purely coincidental. However, when you’re a strong woman and surround yourself with the same, you inadvertently empower each other to expect more from your relationships and for/from yourself. When someone has the balls to end a relationship because (eegads!) divorcing is actually the healthier option for everyone involved, some will be inspired and others will flee, fearing that they will be tempted to end their marriages.
I think the broader, and probably more constructive question is whether our generation expects too much of marriage? Did we build it up too much? Did our high expectations set us up for failure?
As a single mom, I do not believe divorce is contagious. I have been divorced for 3 years and none of my friends are considering it because they are happy in their marriages and love their husbands. It is not something to be taken lightly or to be considered in a fleating moment. As for the comment above regarding being able to “tell” 2-parent household kids from 1-parent household kids I am sickly offended. Having 2 parents under one roof does not guarantee a “good” kid. My kids are top notch, out of this world fabulous.