My oldest son loves his dad. He always has. Ever since he was a baby.
Earlier this year, he tried, for a few weeks, to stay away from him. Because all the conspiracy stuff his head was being filled up with was getting to be too much and becoming really scary, disrupting both his days and nights. What 14 year old kid wouldn’t be scared being told the end was near?! So, he decided what was best for his mental well being was cutting ties, at least temporarily.
It was time. He felt that he had “made his point” and the conspiracy crap wouldn’t be brought up around him anymore. He hoped and figured that his dad had some sort of epiphany as to WHY he stopped seeing him. It was finally safe to hang with his beloved Daddy again.
He has been going out with him again. And it’s been completely fine. My son has seemed happy, even improving in school! And his father has been on his best behavior with barely any crazy, paranoid talk, at least not with his son.
Tonight was my son’s middle school 8th grade recognition ceremony. Kind of a big deal in the middle school crowd.
He began calling his Dad yesterday just to remind him about it. But, to his dismay, the only phone his dad has, a cell phone, kept going immediately to voicemail. He has left a ton of messages, what any impatient child would do.
And tons of emails.
Nothing.
No return phone call to reassure his son that he wouldn’t miss his recognition for the world. No email response telling his son how much he loves him and can’t wait to be a part of this wonderful occasion.
Today. When my son came home from school, he began calling his dad again. Still nothing. A full voicemail and more unreturned emails.
So, depressed and overwhelmed, my son had a tantrum. He refused to go to his graduation. No matter what our threats or promises were, he remained set in his stubborn decision.
He was sent to his room, out of my own frustration and disappointment, where he stayed until I got back from watching my stepdaughter graduate from middle school. A silly ceremony but bittersweet, nonetheless.
When I got home, I went up to my son’s room to check on him. He hadn’t left it the entire 3 hours I was gone. Not even to eat or pee. He slept off his anger, hurt and depression. He woke up still sad and very hungry.
He looked at me while eating the chicken nuggets I brought him, so sadly. Trying to swallow down his tears, he said to me, “If only my Dad had answered the phone, I would have gone to my graduation.”
He went on to tell me how upset he was. How hurt. How disappointed he was with a father that he can’t rely on or trust.
I couldn’t stay angry at my son for wreaking such emotional havoc before we left for the ceremony…without him. His heart was broken, once again, from the man that he loves so much.
I tried to reassure. Once again, I insisted that he realize it isn’t him, and thankfully he does.
But, he missed his end of the year, end of middle school ceremony. He’ll never get that back, this once in a lifetime event.
Despite the fact that his Dad broke a little piece of his son’s heart today, my son will recover, start hanging out with him again and eventually, have another little piece of his heart broken.
Banishing my son to his room isn’t going to shelter him from the never-ending cycle.
I just hope this doesn’t happen for his high school graduation in four years.
That’s awful! Poor kid. Adults can be so clueless sometimes. It’s like they completely forget what it was like to be that age.
I cannot WAIT to hear the Father of the Year’s excuse this time.
I agree with Shredder. You need to prepare your kiddo for that inevitable let down. Your ex is obviously sick and needs help.
It will, and his wedding and probably more stuff too. My dad didn’t even have the excuse of mental issues. He just wasn’t there.
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It is terrible isn’t it? So often the ex spouse who doesn’t have the kids have NO idea of the emotional mess they have to endure going through our divorces. They just need to know that they are loved. It’s that simple.
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This really makes me sad. This is what I see in the future for my daughter/her dad and it just breaks my heart.
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I am so very sorry your son has to deal with this kind of disappointment. It breaks my heart.
I can only wish that at some point, very soon, your ex will recognize he has to do something or he will lose his son’s respect forever.
Your story has inspired me to continue being as active as possible in my daughter’s lives. I never ever want to inflict that kind of pain on my child.
That being said, he’s pretty lucky to have you in his life who is there to pick him up and dust him back off.
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That is just so sad. That man needs help.
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My husband’s father sounds very much like your ex. My husband has alreayd cut ties with him before we had even met. But, I can see the impact it has my husband to this day. Even more so, since we became parents. It’s as if my husband is so afraid that he’s going to be like his own father that he sometimes overcompensates in the other direction – being to lenient and always wanting to be a “friend” first and a “dad” second. I watch as he paretns our daughter knowing full well that in the back of his mind there is the voice of doubt. Doubt that he can be a Dad, a BETTER Dad than what his father was and a fear of failing and being no better than his own father. As my husband’s wife and best friend, it is so painful to watch this and not know what to say or how to make it better.
Melissa, I think it sucks that you pick up the pieces and try to patch cracks in his heart that his Dad seems to so easily create. What sucks even more, is how now matter how well you patch up his broken heart and try to ease his disappointment – it will follow him for the rest of his life. Just take some comfort in knowing that some day your son will realize what an ass his father is, and stop calling and asking. Until than, lets hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
And a little part of my heart broke for him.
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How terrible. Your ex probably doesn’t even recognize the hurt and confusion he is spilling onto his son. mental illness can be very complicated. I agree too, that it may be time to sit your son down for an explanation. Further down the road, even though the hurt may still linger, your son will come to know and recognize what is truly happening. I hope your son will someday be able to accept and embrace his Dad’s inabilities for what they are.
when your son is in his adulthood, he can then make his decisions about how his relationship will or won’t continue with his dad.
Who does that kind of shit??? Seriously… Oh, I’m so pissed at your ex right now. Where’s he live?!?! I know people…
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I’m just so sorry.
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kids seem to love their parents no matter what they do even if it’s not good. all you can do is be there for him. one day he will see the truth, and when he does, he’ll appreciate that you were there all the while supporting and helping him through. i know that my stepson really needs his mom, and she’s around, but she has the paranoia talk going, too. sometimes he knows to step away from it, but despite that, he still needs her and sees her when she makes arrangements. i’m sorry your son is going through all this. i hope it can get better.
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I am so so sorry for your son. 🙁
That’s just not right of his dad at all. Hopefully things will get better and they will grow closer. Sounds like his dad needs to grow up.
I am really trying not to cry at this. Your ex is a worthless piece of crap and I hope he rots in hell. I hope that your son will be able to move on from the disappointment and hurt, but be wiser with his other big events.
But seriously, if I lived near your ex I would run over his testicles with my car.
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I think I’d use it as a learning opportunity. Yes, Dad can be a jerk and he has a lot of problems and he hurt you by not being there when you needed him and wanted him to be part of something important to you. But your own choices, in turn, hurt you and your family just as much. You chose to let someone else’s bad choices ruin your own experience.
It sucks. A lot. While not the exact same situation, I’ve been in those shoes and I’ve been in a closet full of those shoes. Being filled with teen angst and hormones certainly doesn’t help. But some loving guidance and seeing this as a learning opportunity… maybe he’ll find a way to figure out his own power in the situation.
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