Yesterday, a local female newscaster and her cameraman came over to interview me. Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy and we’ll talk about that a different day because I have something WAY more important to discuss.
This newscaster. She walks into my house wearing this gorgeous suit and these really great shoes. She’s statuesque and really pretty. And to make matters worse…super freaking skinny. 6 months post-pregnancy. So UNFAIR!! I’m looking like an oompa loompa next to her and so thankful that our interview is taking place while sitting down on separate couches.
The whole time she is at my house, I’m giving her the once over, probably much like some guy checking out a girl at the bar minus the wanna have sex part, while thinking wistfully to myself how lucky she is. Tall. Skinny. And she can wear a skirt suit with no panty hose. I hope I didn’t stare too much and I’m REALLY hoping I didn’t sneer but it wouldn’t have been that evil eye sneer, just the “sigh, why can’t that be me” type look. Anyways, I’m coming back as someone like her in my next life, cool job included.
So. Jealous.
It made me miss the once upon a time that ended about two years ago, back when I could confidently just throw “something” on. Anything hanging in my closet. I could just walk in and pick out any shirt and a matching pair of pants and without any fuss at all, wear them.
Perfection, or so I assumed. Not much thought ever went into it. Because it all looked cute. Even on me. I didn’t even really have to try things on before I bought them. Oh, the good old days.
I was thin…never really tall. That was something I could live with though. I’m tall enough.
But now?
It’s all changed. My thyroid has made sure of it. And I haven’t been able to do much about it, as far as rescheduling the endocrinologist appointment considering how busy these last few weeks have been. School is winding down and there is something for the kids at least 3 times a week. I can’t get radiated and miss anything. The kids would be so upset, resent it and then one day, kill me while I’m sleeping, crying with each thrust of the knife about what a horribly selfish mother I am. We couldn’t have that!
It takes me ages to pick something out. To just be able to walk out of my house and feel comfortable in what I’m wearing could turn into an hour long fiasco and a huge mess on my bedroom floor. Which, I never clean up. Because that mess is the pile of clothes that I’ll never wear again anyways so why bother putting them away. My bedroom is starting to look like it did when I lived at home with my parents.
I have to make sure my tush is covered. And whatever I’m wearing hits “just right”.
I end up wearing the same outfit in different colors. I find a shirt that fits the way I want it to, I buy it in a few different colors. Same with bottoms.
It’s getting so depressing, especially now that summer is here. I can’t have a false sense of thin security while I hide under bulky sweaters and loose pants. I have to wear things like short sleeves and capris that accentuate the negative. Oh woe is me.
I’m considering grabbing a cozy blanket and pillow and hibernating in a nice cool cave during the summer and resurfacing during the winter where I can layer and bundle and pretend that everyone thinks it’s the clothes, not me. Besides, during the summer, the caves will have vacancies so it’s probably a good time to check in.
I’ll tell you what the interview was about and when you will be able to see it at a later date. In the meantime, I’m going to sulk.
I will not yell at you for criticizing yourself because then I would be a hypocrite (we’re women, we always self judge!). But I do want to be cliche for a minute and remind you that beauty is also on the inside. You are an amazing and beautiful person both inside and out. I remember thinking that you had the prettiest hair and smile when I first met you. And I’m not just saying that to get you out of your sulky mood. 😉
Don’t be so hard on yourself — I think everybody feel inferior to female newscasters. Those I have met in my profession are always so polished and perfect looking with amazign make-up and outfits, but then they are paid to be that way.
That does it, I’m never, ever giving an television interview. Not that I’ve ever been (or will be) asked, but still.
Jennifer´s last blog post ..Remember When
I’m feeling the same way this summer. Between my back inury and my pernicious anemia, I can’t fit into any of my old clothes. I don’t want to buy new ones…I want to fit into the awesome clothes I had. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want anyone to see me. I feel horrid.
Even though, intellectually, I know that I can fix this now that I know what is wrong with me, it’s tough that this is what I look like *now.*
I’ve had people tell me, “Well, at least you have an *excuse* for gaining weight. What about the rest of us?” Well, I may know why I got this way…but I still look like garbage, and it means that I have to overcome my problem in order to lose the weight. It doesn’t make me feel any better about how I look.
I’d feel awkward sitting next to the skinny reporter–and knowing I’d be on TV with her–too.
Michele – The Professional Family Manager´s last blog post ..Recommended Resources for Professional Family Managers
Ugh, I so know the feeling, Melissa… I used to be able to wear cute, fun clothes too – 3 kids and 60 pounds ago. And I don’t even have thyroid issues… Sigh. I have a next-door neighbor who also has 3 kids and weighs practically nothing – I’m sometimes so jealous of her I could scream. 🙁
Deb – Mom of 3 Girls´s last blog post ..Repost: In a blink of the eye…
I absolutely advocate for buying 5 of the same tops and 3 of the same jeans in different washes. If I could find some that cover my ass crack.
The Sweetest´s last blog post ..Selected Shorts
As I sit here eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, after gaining 30Lbs for quitting smoking. I just have to say, to hell with being skinny. And guess what? I didn’t once get on the treadmill out of guilt. Boredom, yes, guilt Never! Bwahaha! (Besides by the time Hubby comes home in March he would screw me if I weighed 4 times what I do now and love every second of his 2 minute ride).
First, I am excited for you to be on tv!
Second, the skinny bitch probably has lots of problems that you don’t see on the outside. No one is that perfect.
Third, have you ever been to Disney World or a water park? Just somewhere where there are all walks of life? Look at the sizes of these people. The majority of them are over weight and don’t seem to care. Maybe they do care, but if they really cared, they would not be wearing size 6 hootchie dresses on their size 18 bodies. People come in all shapes and sizes and until you can take time for yourself to work on your thyroid, don’t beat yourself up.
Fourth, You are a beautiful person on the inside. That is what truly matters.
ascapecodturns´s last blog post ..Frag’n Friday
Hi there, Just watched the news…..Cant believe you have a thyroid problem your hair is fabulous and you looked good on t.v. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I was always the skinny girl till thyroid issues….60 lbs in 2 and a half years. Nothing you can do about it unless you find the right doc. You have the best right in your area. My heart goes out to you it is a long journey. No one understands. I chat online helping others with their health issues. I would love to chat with you and share all the info I have learned.
Stacey