I grew up with parents who were ultra strict. We weren’t allowed to do anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything.
I remember my 6th grade, end of the year party. It was going to be at one of my classmates pool. Fully chaperoned.
But, because there were going to be boys, I wasn’t allowed to attend. I was pissed.
My parents knee-jerk reaction was to say “no”. Then, while I was having a full blown temper-tantrum, slamming my bedroom door multiple times (I was notorious for that and eventually my dad took my door off the hinges), they “discussed”. Sometimes they would come back and say that what I was asking for was unreasonable and give me reasons other than the original, flat out no. But other times, they would allow me the privilege of getting what I wanted or needed or longed for. A lot of times it was a fight of begging, pleading and crying until they just gave in.
God, they were so unbelievably strict and a tad bit controlling. OK, maybe more than a tad bit.
I realize now that it was out of love and fear. But as a kid, it was exceptionally frustrating watching my friends get to go places and do things that I wasn’t allowed to do.
But then…
I got older and I learned ways around their rules. Despite a WAY earlier curfew than 99.9% of my friends, I still managed to squeeze in both the good and the bad. Never really bad though, just for the record. I was too worried about getting caught and getting grounded.
I became a little rebel. And slightly wild. My favorite was drinking and dancing. Doesn’t sound that wild but that’s OK, this is a family friendly-ish blog.
As a parent, because we are fast forwarding now, I find myself fighting my inner super strict parent.
I don’t want to let my kids do a bunch of the things I’ve been allowing them to do. Going to the mall with friends. Riding their bikes to school. Leaving the house without being fully armed.
I get panicky. Sometimes. I do. But I always do it with a fake smile and a racing heart.
I used to worry that the garbage men were going to kidnap my daughter while she waited at the bus stop. So I would stare out the window…I mean STARE…until she was safely on the bus and the blinking lights were turned off.
I’m sick. There is something wrong with me.
So today. My 14 y/o daughter announced that she is going to the fair this weekend with a girlfriend. The same fair that I used to hang out at with friends, back in the day of Aqua Net and blue mascara (good god, what were we thinking?).
My insides are screaming “No, absolutely not. You’re just a little girl”, ignoring the full on woman figure standing before me, impatiently waiting for an answer.
“Um.”
“Cool. Thanks. Her mom will drive us.”
“UMMMM.”
And all I could think about was me at her age and my parents telling me no. Absolutely not. Not without them taking me.
But, there is no way in hell that I’m going to that crowded, stinky fair over Memorial Day weekend. For no other reason than…cotton candy. Oh, I’m a sucker for it. And I’m trying to stay away from sugar. I think I digress though…
So yeah. Despite some inner turmoil and hard core debating with the voices in my head, she’s going to the fair with her friend. Because that’s what she wants to do. And really? There is no reason she shouldn’t be able to. It’s my parents voices whispers and echos that I have to listen to. She shouldn’t be punished for how I was brought up.
One major and reassuring difference between then and now…
Cell phones.
If there is a problem, she can call us.
Back then, we’d have to find a what where they called…payphone. And scrounge for a quarter. It was a lot of work.
I know she’ll be fine at the fair.
I know my other daughter will be fine riding her beautiful new Schwinn bike to school or walking to the corner to get a mani/pedi.
I know that they will all be fine doing their thing.
I turned out fine. Albeit, a little crazy.
But, like my parents before me, I worry. I can’t help it. It’s par for the course of being a parent.
I think I’m going to need to start buying Tums in bulk for this ulcer in the making.
There is strict. And there is reasonable.
I think I’ll fall somewhere in the middle.
I think your parents and my parents operated from the same parenting book.
Are you finding that, as your kids age, you question whether you yourself are making reasonable choices for your kids? I know that my parents were too controlling, but a result of that is that I now doubt myself and wonder if I’m too strict or too lenient when issues come up. I never saw an example of “normal.”
I just hope I don’t mess up my kids.
.-= Michele – The Professional Family Manager´s last blog ..Getting a Helping Hand from My Blog Buddies: Great Writers Offering Support and Inspiration =-.
I think the middle will be just fine. Really. Too controlling, they rebel. Too lax, they go out of control trying to find the boundaries.
But yeah. Tums.
.-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..I’ve Got Them Under My Skin. Kind of Like Chiggers. =-.
I raised my daughter to be self-sufficient by giving her reasonable opportunities to enjoy her independence. I think it really is – each in our own way – what we’re supposed to do as parents. You raise your children to leave you, that’s the whole point.
I second the Tums suggestion. And you might want to keep some Tylenol PM on hand…
.-= Joni Golden´s last blog ..Child’s rare disorder fuels mom’s desire to help national non-profit =-.
Middle way is good. Be strict when it is absolutely necessary: Safety first! If my child’s life depends on a certain strict rule of mine, I would definitely insist it be followed. Be open for suggestion when there is room for discussion & opportunity to teach responsibility & allow for independence. It’s funny how I always fall back on my parents’ advice even though I didn’t exactly agree when I was my children’s age. They were right, after all, even if they were strict. It has taken years for me to admit this 🙂
Keep on blogging! I love your posts! I am your new fan!
.-= Marilyn from Borneo´s last blog ..Stop! You are bulldozing over my memory lane! =-.
I am going to HAVE to try not to channel my parents as my son gets older. They were also very strict, and naive, and I took advantage of it. And par-tayed. And I don’t want my son doing half the things I did. Yikes.
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..Creamy Baked Ziti =-.
i think my kids are operating as you did…throw a fit til mom caves…well, guess what missy not happening.
oh sorry. lol.
My parents weren’t super strict…I’m probably more strict than they were…but I hope that I am as reasonable as they were…sometimes.
.-= staciesmadness´s last blog ..Where is the F-U friday??? =-.
I had one super strict parent who said “no” to every request, no matter how small. I had another parent who rarely ever said “no” to anything. Image the outcome!
.-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Guests and gifts =-.
My parents were mid-way strict denialists. We could go out but had to call from wherever we were at midnight. We had friends over all the time. Like in packs. Our friends were all chatty with my folks. And yet, we were shrooming, drinking, dropping acid, and engaging in blow jobs right under their noses. I never envied them. But, we were honor roll students who all got into great colleges and are all happy, contributing members of society. Meanwhile, there’s no way in he’ll I’ll allow my kids to pay football no matter how bad they want to…
.-= Kami´s last blog ..Tell Me A Story. Make It A Good One. =-.
Yeah, that should read: there’s no way in hell I will allow my boys to play football no matter how badly they want to. Head injuries freak me out.
I am much stricter than my mother ever was but I’m learning that I have to back off and let my little guy have some freedom. Thank God he’s only 2. I still have time. lol Great, thought provoking post!
Stopping by from SITS!
Cheers 🙂
– CoconutPalmDesigns
.-= CoconutPalmDesigns´s last blog ..A Crafty Family =-.
I think my parents fell “into the middle” like you are speaking of. Yes there were times that we wanted to go out and couldn’t… or (in my case) got back WAY too late and then couldn’t go out again for a really long time. There were also times that they encouraged us to do things that we didn’t necessarily want to do, but were good for us.
Coming from the non-parenting side of things, I can only imagine what the feelings are when you are seeing your teenage daughter go out with her friends to the same places you hung out.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..5QF: The hundred dollar question… =-.
I’m so not ready for teenagers- my anxiety can’t take it.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..The One =-.
My DD (affectionately referred to as “The Girl” in the blogosphere and by my 98 yr old grandmother) is also 14. She also likes blue eyeliner (she found my last stub of it in my scrapbook).
I sooo sympathize.
Worse yet, and I am sorry for the TMI here, but we are in sync hormonally. The good part is, we are both emotional messes for the same few days and then Skeeter (DH) and “The Boy” (7 yo son) are scott free for a while.
And the shoe “borrowing”, makeup “borrowing”, dad’s sweatshirt “borrowing”.
When you come right down to it, some teen age traditions just never change.
.-= NikkiFGL´s last blog ..What are you doing this Memorial Day? =-.
oh, I think we had the same sort of parents although my mom just said no to plain be a bitch! b/c she was. I NEVER was able to do anything – and I mean nothing – I missed out of sooooooooo much. I will never do that to my kids – or at least I hope that I do not. I’m a really laid back mom now – perhaps too much so my husband tells me. But I know it was because I never was allowed to have or do anything as a child. I don’t know what sort of parent I will be to teenagers?? humm – I’m super neurotic though outside my home, like I don’t allow my kids to go over to anyone’s house unless I am with them – not being strict – just too many sickos out there -so – I will probably have loads of doors slammed in my face hugh??
.-= Tiaras´s last blog ..Why I hate to run . . . cool running =-.