The spring morning is crisp with blue skies and cotton-candy fall-like clouds. The early day sun, almost a tad too bright for my cheap sunglasses and hyper-thyroid sensitive eyes causing me to squint, thus putting me at risk for crows feet.
We are driving, my youngest son and I, towards his school. Our Silky Terrier, Oscar, panting and slobbering on my sons lap in the back of the SUV. I’m switching the radio stations in search of something other than Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga and trying to remember whether or not I took the dog out to pee before we left.
“Mommy! Mommy!” I’m brought back to reality with the comforting knowledge that there is less likely to be a puppy accident in my car because I remembered that I DID take him out. But then wondering if I turned off the lights and locked the door.
“What, dollyboy?”
“Mommy. I see G-d!” I look in my rearview mirror at him. (Because it really wouldn’t be very safe if I turned my whole body around, now would it?) He is pointing at the window, out his window.
“Where do you see G-d?” I ask him. Wondering what sort of story my very imaginative kid was going to come up with to amuse me for the last few minutes of our car ride.
“He’s up there, dancing in the clouds!” And he stares out the window, quietly watching his G-D doing a cloud dance. “Don’t you see him Mommy?”
“I see big, beautiful clouds in the big, beautiful sky. And G-D made the sky and the clouds, right? So I guess yes, then I must see G-D.” Hopefully he can’t hear the lack of conviction in my voice. He isn’t aware of the fact, at this point, of my struggles with believing. I don’t want to influence him they way I’ve seemed to unintentionally instilled my lack of beliefs onto my oldest son.
He nods and stares out the window once again. I’m prepping myself for a age appropriate conversation on G-D…again, thinking of ways, in the more than likely temporary silence, to explain things without pushing my true thoughts onto him. It’s not easy for me to explain things to kids in a way for them to understand.
He breaks my scattered thoughts…
“Mommy, can G-D kill Zombies? Would they be dancing in the clouds with G-D right now? Because I really think I see a Zombie too. And if G-D killed Zombies, how would he do it? The same way peoples do?”
Thankfully we finally arrive at school as I’m finishing up my reassuring talk on the fact that there is no such thing as Zombies and if there were, we would just drive over them and Daddy would cut their heads off. And also thankfully, there wasn’t time for him to ask me if G-D really exists because instead, he had a tantrum due to the fact that we weren’t able to bring the dog into his class for a visit and so he had to be left panting in the car.
The problem is, I have to pick him up from school now. And he never, ever forgets a conversation. Which I know is going to be the continuation about G-D. And if Zombies don’t exist, does G-D? Whether it be right when he gets into the car from Kindergarten pick up or at a random time like when I am carefully rinsing shampoo out of his hair.
I will tell him that if he believes there is a G-D then yes, he does exist. All around us. In clouds, in trees, in dragonflies. And G-d will know if a Zombie or a bad guy is going to bother you and he will protect him and keep him safe from getting his brain sucked out or his action figures stolen. And I know that, while I am telling him this, I will also be trying to convince myself of that.
And then, I will stare up into the clouds and wish that I could see G-D happily cloud dancing so that I could tell us both, without any doubt, that while Zombies do NOT exist that yes indeed, G-D truly does. And I could really mean it when I tell him because I saw him with my very own eyes, dancing on a cloud the shape of a heart.
This is a really lovely post, even with the zombies. Faith is such a hard thing to talk about, especially when you are wavering. Even believers have a hard time with it sometimes, so don’t feel bad.
.-= Kassi´s last blog ..…gah… =-.
Lovely. So very lovely.
.-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..Clearing the Air =-.
My wife is a believer, and I am not. That’s my disclosure to begin with.
But the real thing I wanted to say is this: why is it that people are so quick to be apologetic for being non-believers, instead of believers? You will never hear a person of faith say, “I don’t want to unintentionally instill my personal beliefs in my child” the way you seem to feel guilty for imparting a lack of belief in your other child.
If you are not a believer anymore, it is NOT your responsibility to still shape your children into being believers. That’s hypocritical and it won’t work out anyhow. Kids aren’t stupid, and we shouldn’t treat them with… er… kid gloves… all the time! You don’t have to apologize for or feel stressed out about a conversation in which you might be more inclined to say, “I don’t believe in God” in either certain or uncertain terms.
Now before anybody gets in and wants to flame me, I also do not think it’s a believer’s responsibility to necessarily provide an “objective” or “sheltered” view either. Much as I PERSONALLY feel that the teachings of the church are largely self-serving, I fully think that if you have firm faith, you have every right and responsibility to share those feelings with your child as well. That’s the great thing about being parents. Our children get to look up to us, and we get to provide the best example we can, in the most honest way we can, without having to apologize for it.
.-= Greg´s last blog ..The PhineasGrace (Etsy Store) Don Cherry (hockey legend) connection =-.
See you are looking in the wrong place. Look into his eyes while he looks into the clouds and that is where you’ll see the reflection of God.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Information for new moms. =-.
Ahhh… these sweet, precious discussions. I’ll take them ANY day over.. (please see your OTHER post about TEEN yuckness) THAT. Where is the tape recorder when we need it?
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..THE GRANNY DIARIES =-.
I would say keep the discussion open-ended. If your son sees G-d in everything or nothing, keep him talking about what he sees. To me, that kind of validation and a discussion about faith makes more sense than simply requiring that your child believe what you believe, no matter what he sees.
But I would try to talk him out of seeing the zombies, only because they’re really scary.
My daughter had some very difficult experiences in life and although she was raised with Christian beliefs, considered herself an agnostic at age 14. We just kept talking about it, and we still talk about it – I don’t try to convince her of anything, I just try to reflect back what she’s saying, so that she can find her own way. That’s what it’s all about, IMHO.
.-= Joni Golden´s last blog ..I’m asking YOU to Go Run =-.
When I saw the title, I really thought you were talking about G-D, as in God damn!!! LOL! Even once I started reading, I was thinking “Oh how cute… Her son thinks G-D means God.” Duh!! I’m a blonde having a blonde day. I say you be as honest and truthful with him without getting too deep. My reply? Yes, God kills Zombies.
I’ve gone back and forth on this issue several times in my life. My faith never disappeared, though. It merely took a backseat to my living. Each time I lose sight, something happens that reminds me of God’s power. I’m no holy-rolling, Bible thumper, but I do believe in the big G and His awesomeness. It’s taken me a long time to get here, though, and I still find myself struggling with faith from time to time. I am way far from perfect! I cuss like a sailor, drink to excess on occasion, don’t tithe or pray as much as I should, and can be downright mean to my neighbor sometimes. Those imperfections, however, are exactly what keep me close to God.
Having said all that, I respect everyone’s right to believe or not (another one of my Christian imperfections). I don’t abmonish non-believers, and get very defensive when others try to do so. (That’s the Democrat side of me.) You have your journey through life as I have mine. At the end of the day, we have to persevere and live it on our own terms.
Phew! I didn’t mean to write a book. I never get that deep about anything!!!! G-D must have really done a number on the Zombies today.
Cute…I agree with Jennifer!
.-= Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog ..There are some days when my children are cherubic little angels… =-.