So often I find myself seething in anger and frustration. My kids drive me insane so much of the time. I am easily exasperated and annoyed. I pray to win the lottery so that I can get a bigger house with a separate wing that houses the menagerie of children that live with me and so I hardly have to see them.
I’m burnt out. I need to escape. Locking myself in the bathroom just isn’t cutting it anymore.
It always amazes me that, for as much as you can possibly love your child, the feeling of not wanting to be anywhere near them can be somewhat overwhelming.
But then I hear about a friend of my daughter. Someone she has gone to school with since 1st grade. Her entire story isn’t mine to tell but, in a really crappy nutshell, she is a beautiful 12 year old girl and she is dying of cancer. And for a moment, I stop my bitching and hold my children so tightly.
Death is not the type of distance I would ever want.
I can’t imagine never having them here to touch or to roll my eyes at.
I can’t imagine them not making their noises and messes.
I can’t imagine not watching them excitedly get ready for prom, a first date or walking the stage at their high school or college graduation.
I can’t imagine them not growing up, getting married and producing babies for me to be expected to babysit.
I can’t imagine standing helpless while my child battles killer dragons with swords made of poison.
I can’t imagine living without my heart.
Words can not truly express how I feel. How my heart breaks for a life that will never be fully lived. And how sorry I am for her parents who are dealing with a horrific nightmare that they will never truly and fully wake up from.
Words can not express how much I fucking hate cancer or how much I love my children.
And I just can’t imagine.