So often I find myself seething in anger and frustration. My kids drive me insane so much of the time. I am easily exasperated and annoyed. I pray to win the lottery so that I can get a bigger house with a separate wing that houses the menagerie of children that live with me and so I hardly have to see them.
I’m burnt out. I need to escape. Locking myself in the bathroom just isn’t cutting it anymore.
It always amazes me that, for as much as you can possibly love your child, the feeling of not wanting to be anywhere near them can be somewhat overwhelming.
But then I hear about a friend of my daughter. Someone she has gone to school with since 1st grade. Her entire story isn’t mine to tell but, in a really crappy nutshell, she is a beautiful 12 year old girl and she is dying of cancer. And for a moment, I stop my bitching and hold my children so tightly.
Death is not the type of distance I would ever want.
I can’t imagine never having them here to touch or to roll my eyes at.
I can’t imagine them not making their noises and messes.
I can’t imagine not watching them excitedly get ready for prom, a first date or walking the stage at their high school or college graduation.
I can’t imagine them not growing up, getting married and producing babies for me to be expected to babysit.
I can’t imagine standing helpless while my child battles killer dragons with swords made of poison.
I can’t imagine living without my heart.
Words can not truly express how I feel. How my heart breaks for a life that will never be fully lived. And how sorry I am for her parents who are dealing with a horrific nightmare that they will never truly and fully wake up from.
Words can not express how much I fucking hate cancer or how much I love my children.
And I just can’t imagine.
It took me several minutes after reading this to be able to compose myself enough to leave a comment. I’m still having trouble.
I connected with this post on a number of levels…not just because I’ve been there and been so completely irritated with one of my kids that I just wanted them to get out of my immediate space, but because, I am have lost a child – a little boy who I tragically lost when he was two. It wasn’t a long drawn out illness. It happened almost literally in the blink of an eye. Car meets pedestrian and then he was gone. I’m not sure I could have handled having to watch him slowly battle a viscous disease, knowing that I couldn’t do anything and had to stand by as he slipped away, a little more each day. I don’t think I possess that kind of strength.
This is a beautiful post, in it’s honesty and love.
.-= Audrey at Barking Mad´s last blog ..Answering Some Questions =-.
this is heartbreaking. I too feel those feelings, I’d lying if I said I did not but at the end of the day when my little girl wraps her arms around me and says, “mommy, I love you” my God, I cannot imagine my life without her.
She is my heart.
Thank you for a realistic somber moment. We take so many things about being a mother for granted, that it is times like these that we realize how lucky we really are.
There is a boy in our elementary school here that is suffering from a rare brain cancer in which the whole town has rallied around. We are holding a Relay For Life race soon, and all the trees are delicately wrapped in purple ribbons in honor of his fight for life.
I read this, and I thank God for every moment he gives me with my kids because I’ll never know which day may be my last with them, or they with me.
.-= Carolyn´s last blog ..Blogging Impeded by "Sleepwalking" =-.
Two years ago a friend lost my baby before she was ever born. It was one of the saddest things I’ve been through. Even two years later it just makes me want to hold my babies tight.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..My baby is two =-.
Thank you. I needed a reminder that the little lives that I take for granted day in and day out are more fragile than they appear to be. I will be conscious now to count my blessings and hold them a little closer to my heart. I pray that your daughter has the strength to handle this and I know that you will be extra aware to her emotional needs. Give her an extra hug for moms everywhere.
Agree, agree, agree.
.-= ascapecodturns´s last blog ..Boston You’re My Home =-.
I suppose if there is even one molecule of positive spin to a story like this, it’s that it reminds us to hug our kids harder and smile at them longer.
.-= feefifoto´s last blog ..Dear State Senator =-.
Now I’m getting all weepy. My heart goes out to the family. I have to admit every time I hear about a child with cancer I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and “la la la” incredibly loudly until the possibility leaves my imagination.
.-= Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Random Dozen =-.
Nothing like a little reality to offer a lot of perspective.
.-= Dani G´s last blog ..my darling honey bee =-.
First and foremost my heart goes out to your daughter’s friends family.
if we didn’t have those up and down feelings with our own kids, we wouldn’t be human. We grow from our emotions whether it’s up or down. I know I get frustrated with my kids too, but no matter how much or how angry I get, I love them more than anything in the world.
It’s funny that you wrote this post now. I have been reeling in emotion the last week and a half because a friend of mine lost her 4yr old boy to Leukemia. Why would this happen to a child? Why does that child deserve to get so sick and suffer for 9wks before losing the battle??? I just don’t get it. :-/
I love this post, because it’s such a perfect description of how I feel most days. Thank you.
.-= Jerseygirl89´s last blog ..Now With More Suckage =-.
You say what most of us feel, my friend.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
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