I have to turn in a surreal, monologue type, 1-3 page play for my creative writing class. I would love some feedback on this. It was
inspired by my sisters idea. It’s due tomorrow!! Please…critique away!
Woman: mid to late 30’s, attractive, perfectly coiffed.
Umbrella: your standard, run-of-the-mill purse sized, black umbrella.
The woman exits a fancy hair salon after just having her hair and make-up done for an evening affair. She steps
under the awning of the salon and feels around in her purse for her umbrella so she doesn’t get her hair ruined
due to bad weather. She opens it and steps outside into the pouring rain.
Umbrella: Excuse me. Excuse. Me.
The woman looks around, trying to figure out where this voice is coming from.
Umbrella: Up here, lady. It’s me. Your umbrella.
The woman stops in mid pace and turns around, looking to see if someone is tricking her.
Umbrella: Please. Put me away. I really, really don’t feel like getting wet today. I have been feeling under the weather lately and I don’t need to get rained on right now. If it’s all the same to you, I’d appreciate you closing me and sticking me back in your bag. I do notice that you got your hair done and it looks very stylish. I wish I could say with utmost sincerity that I am sorry for any inconvenience I may cause you when you fold me back up, but I can’t. You never seem to take into mind the discomfort that you put me through every single time it slightly precipitates. All this opening, closing and cramming me into dark spaces is very disconcerting as well. So now, if you don’t mind, please shut me and put me back into your purse so that I may get some more rest. Don’t make me slam myself shut. You know you hate when I do that. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. On windy days? When I suddenly shut. Oh please, you don’t think that’s the wind doing that, do you? C’mon, I’m much stronger than that. I just don’t feel like being blown on and I despise the chill.
Listen, do us both a favor. Shut me, put me away and grab a cab so you don’t get all messed up. Because I promise you, I will make myself shut and impossible to open.
The woman who is a little freaked out and angry, hails a cab, closes the umbrella and throws it onto the sidewalk as she enters the cab.
Umbrella: Hey. Hey!! This isn’t what I meant. Wait! I’m sorry. You can
keep me open, just don’t leave me here, PLEASE.
The woman gives the middle finger to the umbrella, shuts the cab door and the cab drives off.
Umbrella: Oh, crap.
I like this, but it doesn’t quite have a true quality of the surreal about it. If it was truly surreal, I don’t think the woman would react with as much shock. It wouldn’t be like she heard umbrellas talk every day, but she wouldn’t react quite like this, either. Also, I would suggest having actual dialogue between the two characters.
I like the humor, though.
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Very entertaining, unique and interesting idea. I enjoyed reading it and thought it was well written. I’m not a writer and wish I had the knowledge to give you the constructive criticism you’d like. All I can say is that reading your play brought 5 minutes of enjoyment to my otherwise very drab day.
Well I was going to say that there should be some dialouge, but I guess that really isn’t the assignment. Maybe if you could break up the monolouge with more action by the woman, like looking around to see if someone else is listening, darting back under the awning. Otherwise I do think it is surreal.
How about, “why don’t you ever take me out when it is sunny? I would love a little sun on my back…” I don’t know. I’m not a very good critquer.
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