I’ve gained 25 pounds since last July. Twenty. Five. Pounds. Even worse? I’ve gained 45 pounds in two years. Forty. Five. Fricking. Pounds.
I went from a six to a I’msureashellnottelling.
My husband has a fat wife.
My kids have a fat mom.
The worse part is…I have a fat me. I’m stuck in a body that is under siege by fricking thyroid warfare. And no matter how I limit the carbs or sugar or calories, or not…
I gain weight.
I just want to wave the white flag or cry. But that would probably make me gain weight too.
Today, it’s in the 80’s. Unseasonably warm and absolutely gorgeous. I went to just THROW ON a shirt and a pair of capris from last summer. So that I could play outside with my son. And they don’t fit. The sleeves are made for arms, not thighs…which is what the size of my upper arms have become. My pants don’t fit. And I won’t even tell you what size they are.
My Spanx don’t fit. My bras don’t fit. It’s a good thing I don’t wear underwear because I guarantee that those wouldn’t fit either.
I’m a gelatinous mess.
I couldn’t be more miserable being me.
My husband tries to make me feel better by reassuring me that it’s nothing I’m doing. It doesn’t matter that I know that. It doesn’t matter that he still loves me and wants to be with me.
Because, I still have to catch a glimpse of myself in the steam filled mirror when I exit the shower. I still have to try to maintain a facade of confidence when I put on my clothes that are not hiding the craters and dimples in my legs and arms. I still have to be insecure and worried that people are snickering at me and wondering how HE is with ME. I still have to be me trapped in this disaster. And if I am not comfortable with what I see, how can I feel confident thinking that no one else sees me that way? I can’t. I feel like I should wear a t-shirt that explains “It’s Not Me, It’s My Thyroid”.
It’s not me. It’s my thyroid. It sounds so lame. An ill-fitting excuse. Yet, I have to wear it until some sort of control can be found.
Ironically, a very good friend of mine has Graves Disease too. And we were lamenting over the fact that most people get smaller because of this. But we haven’t. We are both part of a small statistic that gains weight from hyper-thyroid. Great. Awesome. Outstanding. But at least we know we aren’t alone in this.
In the meantime, I’m trapped in this uninvited and unwanted body that doesn’t feel like it is part of me but yet, is tagging along everywhere I go. It’s my own personal third wheel. That unwanted friend that annoys everyone.
I really, really wish it would take a hint and leave…and take those 45 or 50 pounds with it.
I have hypothyroid problems and can’t lose weight either. I have felt and sometimes do feel the exact same way as this. It feels so yucky to feel this way about myself. Good luck!
.-= Aunt Crazy´s last blog ..Letters of Intent =-.
I KNOW what you mean. I was actually part of the many when I had Graves disease, I lost weight like a crackhead. I ate ALL DAY LONG and lost 20lbs. BUT. (and isn’t there always?) I got my thyroid removed and gained 40lbs. SIGH. And I can’t get rid of it, no matter how hard I try. Thyroid diseases can #suckit
.-= briya´s last blog ..The joke that probably almost gave my husband a heart attack, or at the very least several small strokes =-.
You are not alone. I hope you and your doctor(s) find the right treatment/medicines to ease your discomfort. I was diagnosed many years ago with an enlarged thyroid that — according to doctors — someday will stop working properly. So far I’ve been lucky although I, too, have been gaining weight in spite of a rather rigorous exercise regimen and reduction in food intake.
.-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
It’s a sad world where people are judged by their weight. Take heart; there will be a solution, and in the meantime, YOU are still YOU.
.-= Daisy´s last blog ..Ah, coffee. Such a history! =-.
Is your doc treating it with meds?
Once my doc got me on the right dose of meds, the weight slowly dropped off. Not all of it, like I had hoped, but most of it.
Good luck!
I have hashimotos thyroiditis. It’s part of the reason I gained 75 pounds with each pregnancy. The other part of it was chili cheese fries.
When your thyroid is off you’re also prone to depression. Knowing this won’t make you more cheerful, but it might make it easier to stomach.
.-= Jessica Gottlieb´s last blog ..Friday Confession: iPad =-.
What Jessica Gottlieb said. I caught the thyroiditis post my 2nd kid. Totally sucked. The weight gain sucked. The being a raving fucking bitch to husband sucked. But mostly the not feeling like myself sucked. Turns out, I kinda like me. Hope it all gets sorted out. Fat or thin, unless you’re happy, none of it matters.
.-= Kami´s last blog ..Working Mother’s Syndrome At Large =-.
I think you wrote this post about me…..sucks, doesn’t it??? I hope you get it controlled soon! Hugs!
.-= Terry´s last blog ..Undecided on my Confessions =-.
At least you have a reason other than being too weak to stop putting food in your mouth and not knowing how to stop this addiction you have. I was just thinking about this tonight. I hate being fat, but obviously not enough to do anything about it. I feel trapped, and sick, and tired, and…. just I don’t even know. I don’t even really know what to do anymore.
But I guess none of that really helps. I’m sorry. It does suck to be fat. I hate it.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Sunday’s Comin’ =-.
I know everybody SAYS this and doesn’t really believe it, but seriously… your health is top priority. Take care of you. When you feel better physically, the rest will fall into place. Be kind to yourself. You’re a mom, you DESERVE that.
.-= Joni Golden´s last blog ..OCC Womencenter, AAUW Farmington Branch offer guidance in attending college =-.
That sucks, PH! But you’re still the same person! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that your doctor figures out a solution for you, but in the meantime, keep your chin up!
.-= Melisa with one S (PH)´s last blog ..Aaaaand…This Is How It Begins. =-.
Just wanted to make a late comment, I have hypothyroidism also and its terrible. Weight gain, moody, etc. Sometimes the meds work well, other times they are too much and I feel like I am in a fog! None of it makes me happy especially the extra 30 pounds I am carrying! BUT here is something I just found this week that I am reading and hopefully I can follow some of it. Try reading Master Your Matabolism by Jillian Michaels, from biggest looser! Its NOT just another diet book at all, it is all about our hormones, thyroid etc and how what we think is right to do is actually making us sicker! Hormones are the key to most of women’s problems and there is actually something we can do about it! Hopefully in my overweight, crabby,foggy state I can start doing some of her suggestions and loose weight and feel better! Hope this helps!
I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM, PEOPLE!! At least, that’s what I want to wear on a shirt sometimes.
I have thyroid disease too, and it always gets worse after I have my babies. REALLY bad, actually. Like, my hair falls out, I gain 25 pounds out of nowhere. I’m actually pushing the edge of the highest dose of Sythroid that they make right now.
Here’s my ADVICE to you. Take it or leave it (and please know that I will always talk to you at length at how much I hate this disease and I will never tell you to try some weird ass diet):
Get an endocrinologist. It was THE BEST decision I made. My GP didn’t cut it. Loves him, but he didn’t cut it. My endo listens to me and isn’t concerned ONLY about the numbers from the lab tests.
The generic drug isn’t as good as the real stuff.
Listen to your body and fight for yourself.
Love you and drop an email ANY TIME you need it.
xoxo,
Aunt Becky
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Blue, Baby, Blue =-.
A friend of mine has hashimotos thyroiditis also. I have seen her first hand suffer some sad times with this as she is learning how to deal and cope. I have no excuse. I am WAY over weight and I have no one to blame except me. It was so much easier to blame the baby weight… but now since my last one is 5 … sigh…. that excuse went out the door. I haven’t lost either one of my children’s baby weight on me actually.
girl. I hear you. I love you regardless too. 🙂
I don’t have Graves, but do have Hashimoto’s. I think the only way I will ever lose weight is to cut off a limb. I feel your pain. Seems the only thing I’m losing is my hair.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..We’re cooking now… =-.
This is tough. I am having the OPPOSITE problem now. (I am thin and still losing.) However, two years ago, I was the heaviest I’d ever been and UNhappy about it. I wasn’t overweight, but with my small frame I was almost there. No matter, I felt uncomfortable PHYSICALLY and emotionally.
I finally got myself on the road to losing some weight. But I was still wearing the clothes from the Land of 15 Pounds Ago, a really bad look on someone with my frame.
I felt SO MUCH BETTER when I finally bought some clothes that fit the body I had. Since then, I’ve bought more clothes that fit the body I have a couple of times. It always helps.
Hang in there…
.-= Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..“Happy Birthday” greetings from my nephew Francis =-.
This is actually the same problem that Oprah had. I remember reading about it in her magazine.
If you can afford it buy some things that fit, even if its killing you. You will feel better in properly fitting clothes.
Hopefully your doc will work out some magic medical mixture that will help you get back to where you want to be weight wise.
Hugs!
.-= Another Suburban Mom´s last blog .. =-.
Sucks big time. I can’t relate because I don’t have that health issue, although I have many others. And I detest how many people judge me based on how I look, instead of believing me when I say I feel crappy even if I look fine. Not fair.
The nice weather always brings that smack in the face that forces you to deal with any weight that has been gained over the winter. I am struggling with that now as well. I’m so tired of waking up and thinking…why did I let myself get to this point. I know it doesn’t make it any better that you aren’t alone…but it’s true. I feel for ya!
.-= Candi´s last blog ..iPad =-.
Oh sweetie, it does suck. I gained 40? 50? lbs with my adenoma and it’s associated medications. My blood sugar was too low to exercise, or even stand up, so I’d have no choice but to push the glucose and eat basically all day just to avoid seizures.
Buy some clothes that fit. That flatter your new shape. Yes, you’ve gained weight, but sometimes if you can find the right outfit to make yourself feel more attractive, the rest of the world can see it.
(Also? I’ve never been a size 6. My ass has always been too big.)
.-= Jill´s last blog ..All Apologies =-.
I can only echo what everyone else said, but especially the part about the endocrinologist. If nothing is helping, you need a new doc.
And from your picture in the article, those extra pounds aren’t showing!
I’ve never been a size 6 either. Well, except when I WAS 6.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Decompression =-.
Hopefully your doc can help you out with some solutions…I’m sure that is no fun to experience but there has to be some answers and I hope you can find them soon.
Also, I’m wondering if you would be interested in participating in my Mom Blogger Contest for $100 Cash prize during the month of April for MissTutu.com?
The details are here http://www.misstutu.com/mom-blogger-contest.html
Thanks for considering! I think your readers will really enjoy this too!
Jenni