My oldest son always loved his Dad. From the time he was a tiny little guy, his internal digital clock would alert him of the impending arrival home from work and he would wait with his sticky hands pressed on the glass front doors like an excited puppy. I imagine that if he had a tail, it would have been wagging frantically, along with fog expanding on the glass from panting hot breath.
His Daddy would be home soon and all would be right in the world once again. Well, for my son anyways.
Even after the divorce was final, my son maintained his attachment to his dad. He loved being with him. He was the calm and our home was a chaotic storm. And my son, being a quieter child, liked to escape to that quiet place as often as he could.
Things started changing though. My son went from waking up excited on Saturday mornings because he was going to be with his father overnight to becoming a moody, brooding, unhappy boy and for no open and obvious reason. He wouldn’t talk about it either. It was a very frustrating time.
Finally, we were made aware of what was going on.
My ex-husband started talking crazy to my son a couple years ago. Conspiracy crap. Stuff that is nightmare inducing for a sane adult not to mention a young teen with a very overactive imagination. Then, he started “enlightening” us as well as anyone that was unlucky enough to be near him when he started in on his lunatic meandering prophecies.
The paranoia progressed and unsolicited information was given to my son and anyone else by this point. Lizard aliens living under L.A, the Denver Airport Conspiracy, the end of the world in 2012 and other scary, insane stuff…
Crazy talk.
Which made my son emotionally check out and flunk out of his classes. He questioned, as I recently found out, what the point of doing well was if, come 2012 civilization would no longer exist. I tried to explain to him that his dad is very ill and none of the things his father was telling him was coming from reliable and sane sources. Intellectually he realized the extent of everything his father is and says. But still, it’s his beloved daddy, and if he says that the end of the world is near then, well, the end of the world must really be near.
Until one day, a few days ago.
My son and I were sitting in my car at a red light. Aside from music playing quietly, we had been driving in silence. Suddenly he says to me as he was staring out his window “I realized the cause of all my nightmares.” And he turns to me, his eyes meeting my peripheral gaze. I noticed a look on his face that I was not familiar with.
I asked him what he was talking about. He responded, “Mom, it’s my Dad. Dad is the cause of everything that has been going on inside me. My nightmares. My anger. My not doing well in school. It is because of everything he has been telling me and I don’t want to see him anymore.” Determined. Strong.
I glanced over at him again, quickly. After all the light had turned green again and I didn’t want to take my eyes off the road for too long. He was serious and sure.
I promised him that I would never force him to go with his dad, particularly because of how worried I was every single time he left with him. It was awful sending my child with his father KNOWING how crazy he is becoming.
And that was that. He has talked to his dad on the phone a couple times. He has been dropped off at a movie by his dad because we couldn’t take him.
Most importantly, he seems happier. My son, who has refused to wear shorter hair for YEARS, finally decided it was time to get his hair cut short. My son, who has been flunking out of school is finally getting his act together and I’m receiving positive reports about him from his teachers. He isn’t fighting with everyone in the house anymore. He is making an effort to get along with his step father.
His nightmares are lifting, dissipating, fading. Because he is finally talking about the horrors that his father was filling his young and impressionable mind with. Taking the burden off his mind and releasing them onto us. Things that are so petrifying that I can now understand why my son was behaving the way he was…defiant, moody, angry and depressed. Due to the ominous news regarding the worlds future, or lack thereof, his knee jerk reaction was to simply emotionally check out of life and display negative behaviors.
I think we are finally headed towards a positive, happy place. I hope its a permanent move. I truly hope that, as long as his visits with his dad are limited to non-existent, that this was what needed to be done.
According to the court, I’m not permitted to insist on a psych evaluation on my ex-husband due to the fact that I’m not family anymore. And he is too far gone to realize that youtube and google and whatever other websites that he is finding his information from are filling him with lies and exaggerations.
We can’t help my ex-husband, who believes that the government is onto him and to not be surprised if we find him dead on his balcony. The only thing we can do is feel sorry for him.
My main priority though? Keeping my children safe from him and his emotional apocalypse. Because the only thing that is going to end by 2012 is his sense of reality and he isn’t taking my children with him into his googled paranoid hell.
What an impressive young man you have to recognize where his own issues are and being able to put a name or face to them. I’m a grown up and still haven’t figured out how to do that.
Wow, Melissa, that is huge. I’m so glad your son opened up. Do you think the ex will fight to have visitation? That is just so scary. I hope your son continues on this positive path.
Wow, this made me weep a little bit. Such a huge realization for a young guy, and a heavy one, and SO great (to say the least) that he is making some changes in his own life. Things are looking up! đŸ™‚
#lovemyph
.-= Melisa with one S (PH)´s last blog ..Apparently I Need My Religious School Teaching License Revoked. =-.
That is a huge decision for you son to make, but seems to be the best solution for him, especially since so much positive is happening now.
Maybe this separation from his son will be the push your ex needs to find some help.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Love is patient… =-.
Yes, it sounds like paranoid schizoprenia. A member of my extended family is ill with this. The biggest challenge is getting him the treatment he needs because as an adult, we cannot “make” him seek treatment. He has to voluntarily offer to go himself. But, he is ill and does not recognize he needs treatment. It is a major Catch 22. For us, it came down to a crisis situation, where he had left his apartment and all his belongings behind to run away from his delusions. Eventually, months later, the police found a man living in a carpet at a train station a few states away from home. Only then, because he was a public nuisance, could treatment be made mandatory.
It’s too bad someone can’t insist on a pscyh eval acting on your son’s behalf. At least you can take comfort that your son has seen the light.
.-= patois´s last blog ..But I Think I’m a Dumb Cow =-.
Oh, sweetie, how awful for all of you. I’m SO glad your son finally opened up to you about what was bothering him, and that he is doing so much better. Hopefully his father will someday get help before he further damages himself and other people around him.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Perhaps I Quoted the Wrong Poet =-.
That is so sad that people would actually say things like that to their children. At least your son was smart enough to say he didn’t want to see him anymore. You have a really bright child and it sucks that he has to have a dad that has completely lost all sense of normalicy.
what a hard thing to be going through. Your son is a remarkable young man.
.-= kate´s last blog ..2-18-10 =-.
I’m sorry that your son had to be exposed to that. For his sake, I hope your ex gets the help he needs.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..After three hours of LOST =-.
I am so sorry to hear that it has gone that far with him–and so relieved to hear that your son had this realization and made this choice. It wasn’t one you could make for him without causing emotional damage and a rift between you, and I’m so grateful you didn’t have to! I pray that he will continue to heal and grow.
Mwah!!!
.-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..discovery =-.
It is pretty impressive that as a teen, he knows what he needs to change in his life to make himself feel better and that he has the strength to follow through. And a haircut to boot!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..My Birthday Girl =-.
Bravo to your son. He’s growing up and maturing into a fine young man. You should be proud. hugs.
Your son is a young man to be proud of. How insightful of him to realize what was causing his nightmares and coming up with his own solution, as painful and sad as it must have been for him. I’m sorry he went through such torment and that he has to break off relations with his father. I hope his father notices and gets the help he so desperately needs. It is a sad situation for him, but your son looks like he has a very bright future. Good for him. I’m glad the situation is easing up for everyone in your household.
.-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..29~ish =-.
Wow, terrible stuff for a child — for anyone — to have to deal with. My mother had many issues like that, and it was so difficult. Your son sounds like a very strong and wonderful little man, and has all the support he needs to make it through this.
Your poor boy. I would be having nightmares too. I hope your ex does not get excited about custody.
.-= Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Friday Foodie- Pork Tenderloin =-.
Jesus Christ. Well, you’ve got a great kid. (Tell him to look up the Mayan calendar if he’s still nightmaring on 2012. It was, ahem, wrongly interpreted. By someone.) And also, the movie Mars Attacks is really funny…and stars Luke Haas, what happened to that guy?
.-= Kami Lewis Levin´s last blog ..I Heart Roma =-.
Wow. I am in awe at your son’s strength and his self-awareness. That is a testament to you as his mother. And it is a good reminder that my own children are their own people with their own opinions, and I need to listen to them.
.-= Ironic Mom´s last blog ..Bizarre Search Engine Terms =-.
You are an amazing mother, and it shows in the miracle of your son. xoxo